Baby and family news and more

We welcomed a new precious boy, RM in January.  I wish I could say things were not complicated but he had low blood sugar and had to spend an extra couple of days in the hospital.  How I wish that weren't the case while we watched him being poked too many times.  We were sick in our house before, during and after his birth and he ended up developing RSV and possible pneumonia.  His color wasn't good and we ended up bringing him to the emergency room of our small town hospital where it became clear he needed treatment at a larger hospital and would need to be air-lifted.  This was very difficult for us and again RM had to be poked too many times.  He made a quick and strong recovery and we were able to come home after just a few days.  In between his birth and being hospitalized for being sick, I was having anxiety or panic attacks.  I had experienced anxiety and panic in the last trimester with my third daughter but it affected really only my sleep.  I was having some hints of this same thing in the last part of my pregnancy with RM too but it was not too difficult to deal with.  But his anxiety after he was born WAS difficult and it was not during the night but while I was awake during the day.  I did not feel good and after several days I called my OB and they had me come in.  I knew that I would be given some medication and though I don't like to take anything more than a mild pain killer, I was desperate for the anxiety to stop.  He put me on a low dose of Zoloft.  Within hours I felt completely back to myself.  It was quite a relief.  I couldn't continue that way another day - my whole life felt skewed.  I was agitated within and it was not really because anything anyone would do but I was just not myself.  I lost my appetite too and felt I had to cope alone which was isolating.  Jason was home a lot during that period and he barely saw me.  I don't think he realized how bad it was until after I was "back to myself" which I really hadn't been until before I was pregnant.  While pregnant, I was coping but not having anxiety but everything was a push for me.  Now I am back to myself.  We are finding a new normal with another person in our family.  I am very happy and glad to have energy again to get to projects, get outside with the kids on nicer days and exercise.  During my postpartum appointment, my OB and I decided I would only remain on the drug for a total of three months which I feel is reasonable giving time for my hormones to return to normal.

As for homeschooling, AJ has been back to public school since soon after Christmas break.  He just didn't have it in him to put the effort forth.  He depended on the idea that homeschooling would be easier than regular school.  It wasn't.  It was a challenge though I made it easier for him in ways he needed it to be - like in Biology, making it less college prep and more basic.  I was putting forth all my effort and he was not.  I have seen growth in him because of being homeschooled though.  Now that he's back to regular school, he's actually doing quite well.  But I know it's easier there.  He's hanging out with his friends again and is in robotics and metals classes which compliments his work with his grandpa getting trained in machining.  He's pretty excited about this and will be going to a competition with a team.  I feel good that I made an honest try of homeschooling him since he consistently wanted it.  I am letting go of his lack of effort which was really quite apparent and disappointing.  It cost us some money and for me, time and energy but those are the sacrifices we make for our kids even if things don't work out.  I wish it would've turned out differently. 

Spiritually, the whole episode at the birth and after with RN took its toll on me.  I have been rather dry even before that time for a few months - probably since after fall time or maybe after the election which was disappointing.  I felt burnt out.  I was really trying to reach out to others to share the truth but hearts are cold and minds are made up.  I can hope a seed or two was planted.  Regardless, I felt tired and deflated.  I was in a parish program with my mom and husband at the time.  It was beneficial but I didn't "feel" much from it.  My husband, JR had a major transformation though.  My mom too has had one in the last year.  For these, I praise God.  I told the Lord too that if I didn't feel Him for a time, I would persist and have faith and know He was there.  I am persisting.  JR and I are praying together now and sometimes as a family. I am watching him grow.  This is enough for me for the time being.  I will wait on the Lord to show Himself to me in the which ever way He may choose. 

Next month RN will be christened on the same day our oldest daughter, MT will receive her sacraments.  JR's mother is making both garments.  She also made the girls' baptism gown.  The bishop will be presiding.  It will be a special day.  Eight years ago AJ received his sacraments when MT was baptized.  Now she will be receiving them when her baby brother will be baptized. 

It was interesting to learn that the pope announced his resignation.  Presently our world waits to have a new pope elected.  I pray for the Lord's will and for guidance of our cardinals.  I continue to pray for the state our world and for our country.  I continue to have hope in the Lord's mercy. 

We're having a BOY!  Honestly, I never really knew how much hearing those words from the ultrasound tech would mean to me.  Even after losing my firstborn son shortly after birth and having four girls since.  For JR, my husband, he was moved to tears at the news and told me how much he wants this for me.  I told him how much I want this for us.  The whole family is very excited - extended family included.   Though we would have welcomed a girl, this is a special blessing for us.  I know it will be different because of the feelings that emerged in me those several short days I had with my baby boy before he left us.  There is something special in having a baby boy - different special than having a baby girl.  A few days after receiving the news, I pulled out the box of boys things I have been saving since the loss of BP.  I have never much attributed those things as being his but they are somewhat tied to him naturally.  I was amazed that as it's coming on 10 years later that many of the things are classic and not out of style and they seem new still.  The reality of what it means to have a son of my own from birth (hopefully to raise) has been coming to mind.  He will certainly have lots of little mommies.  Even AJ, my full-time stepson who will be 16 years old talks of things he will do with his brother.  I respond by telling him that the relationship will be whatever he makes of it.  :)  I also think in regards to the boy toys and activities - perhaps different than AJ.  I think of the help he will be to his dad later on.   We are just getting serious about names.  I pray we have inspiration and will feel convicted in a name together. 

Homeschooling AJ is going well.  His scores are good.  I have been pleased with most of the curriculum I picked out and it is an amazingly free feeling to have chosen the mix of it mostly on my own with some inspiration from others rather than a set curriculum or choosing an online school. The Biology text is okay to me but not so much to AJ.  So we'll probably switch into something else if we continue next year.   I even write my own tests for that since they don't provide any.  For writing, I have written a few quizzes also.  I plan to have lots of fun and creativity in Geography though I understand that many don't give that subject much emphasis.  I can see how that could happen but I personally love Geography and all of it's components including some culture.  I plan to overlap World History with World Geography and Writing.  AJ is a good kid though in some ways he is the typical teenager in ways I wish he wasn't.  He has some strong negativity which I hope to help him with if I can.  This includes being negative about many small things.  He is often a good deal negative with his sisters though not always.  I know this is normal.  I just wish he could see that it doesn't have to be that way.  Thankfully, he's busy between working for Grandpa in the mornings and homeschooling in the afternoon.  But this negativity can come through in his attitude about his school work.  I don't appreciate it but I feel more concerned than affected I guess.  I pray for him and I plan to give him some tools though I don't claim to be much capable.  I pray the Lord will lead me and one tool I am starting to use tomorrow is giving AJ a weekly Scripture verse which I'll incorporate into his school work that week.  As I have mentioned before, there is great power in Scripture - after all it is the two-edged sword.   Plus there are great messages of truth and offer of healing.  I sense with AJ that though he has some strong moral and religious convictions about life, society and the Catholic or Christian faith, he lacks a personal relationship.  We could do more to cultivate it in our home but Jason and I bring in faith into life lessons which come up a lot and JR's story of his experience of Jesus is powerful.  I try to set an example.  AJ prefers many secular distractions and even currently rejects more Christian ones.  I guess when I was his age, I already had my conversion experience.  With JR, not so much yet but some foundation was laid.  I pray that foundation for true conversion is there and will take hold in AJ.  

The Lord's mercy and help

I realized yesterday that it has been awhile again since I last posted.  Honestly, life with five kids makes me forgetful.  Somehow, I manage to not forget for long and keep up with what is going on around here but I am less able to be thinking of everything so thoroughly and things come up and surprise me more.  Then I thank God and my Guardian Angel that I didn't forget all-together!  I used to be so good at this and keep up with everything better.  But it gets done - whatever it is and I don't ever really miss things but I'm sure my time with come just because I am human, after all.  

I continue to follow the politics of things and praying for our country especially with the recent Mandate.  I pray for the Lord's mercy on our country and that perhaps things can get better before they get worse.  Many around me think more in terms of the latter.  It's good to be prepared just in case and be watchful for signs that things are about to change dramatically.  Mainly, I mean the economy but any kind of oppressive change.  Mostly, I pray but I am watching.  My husband is feeling the burden to prepare.  Though he hasn't yet. 

I have been praying for grace this Lent to die to myself in ways that are hurting me and even my relationship with the Lord.  I need to lose weight - about 80 lbs , not for vanity sake but so I can be healthier especially for when I get pregnant again.  I do not want to deal with gestational diabetes and see ill effects in my baby.  With the Lord's help, I can do it.  Plus He wants me to let go of habits that contribute to the problem.  So far this Lent, it has been different for me.  I feel His help.  The time is now and I want to do it for Him not just for me or anyone else.  

Pregnancy and my dad (Part 2 and update)

Too much time has passed since I last posted here.  I admit that I have been unsure if I would continue and I can't say what my future is as a blogger but for today, I feel some conviction to proceed for awhile.  Since my last post, we have been blessed with the healthy birth of our fourth daughter, HC.  She is now one year old and it has been a great joy to watch her grow and savor all of her littleness.  She is still little.  Though she fits into 12 month clothes, she has tiny feet and she is just now standing with the help of holding something.  She is the sweetest baby ever and her sisters and big brother love her tons.  The whole family does.  The pregnancy was pretty uneventful other than she was in and out of a cord wrap every few days at the end.  This made me nervous.  The day I was induced, her non-stress didn't go so great.  She was not very reactive and I was going to be induced a few days later but my OB thought it was time to go ahead.  I had an ultrasound previous to the test and knew I saw the cord around her neck though the technician didn't mention it.  I passed this info on to my doc.  Like all my babies, she was born fast and I pushed out fast.  Though she didn't cry right away, she was breathing and there was a cord around the neck just as I knew there was.  She was a pretty baby from the first moment I saw her.  She has had more hair since birth and through infancy than any of my others.  I was so happy she was out safely.  But, then they tested her blood sugars and they were low, dangerously low.  She ended up in the NICU. This was painful for me to go back into a NICU after what happened with my first born. I had to be strong.  The other part that was hard was though her situation was not so critical compared to many of the other babies there, I felt responsible for her having to be there because I have gestational diabetes when pregnant and I could've managed it better.  Me, who is very proactive in my pregnancy failed in this area and it was very hard to swallow.  I felt guilty and sad about it.  Thankfully, she was only in the NICU for a day and a half but it was still hard.  She had to be given formula to keep her blood sugar up.  I tried to express my colostrum and I did but it wasn't enough.  Therefore, when she was released from the NICU she had nipple confusion.  This lasted a good few weeks but I didn't give up.  I actually broke the rules and allowed her to latch on incorrectly if it meant her latching on at all.  And you know, she worked it out though I was sore in the meantime.  Everything has evened out in the scope of things.  Since her birth, I have been determined to lose a significant amount of weight to help avoid gestational diabetes in a future pregnancy but so far, I have failed.  I am exercising and try to eat better but only have lost several pounds.  It's better than gaining, I know but I need to see the change for reasons than beyond myself and I seek the Lord's help to "die to myself."  Being a homemaker, it's a lot harder to make food and not eat it than when I was single.  Somehow, I trust in the Lord that in His time, He will help me and I pray that it's before I fall pregnant again.  No, we are not done having kids even though we have five together that we are raising and I am now well on my way to turning 39 but I do hope have a good space between HC and the next one.  Family planning has been an area of growth for me too but I'll save that for another post.

The second part of this update is concerning my dad.  He does have bladder cancer and it is ongoing.  He has not reformed his life and still smokes to some degree which doesn't help things.  He also has developed emphezema.  This is on top of his chronic pain that he's had since his quadruple bi-pass some 12 years ago.  He is living a housebound life at the age of 63.  His quality of life is really lacking.  He recently finished chemo and had surgery and is recovering but today he was found to have an infection from the surgery and we're not sure what that's about yet.  My step mom, is good to him but busy with her work and now her mother has just suffered from a stroke leaving her also housebound.  She visits her every other day after work and on Saturdays.   My dad is in his own world which is natural for someone dealing with ongoing illness.  It is not the best situation.  With living out of state with a large family, I have limits on visiting.  I did visit last spring. I continually pray that the Lord will shower his healing Love on my dad and that he will accept and love Him in return.  It is difficult to know his spiritual state but I sense there is still work to be done and I pray in God's mercy, He will fulfill the good work he has begun in my dad. (Phillipians 1:6)

Pregnancy, parenting & The Shack

By His grace, I am getting through this period.  I say this because I'm finding that advanced pregnancy with caring for 4 kids is challenging.  I have felt fatigue since later in the 1st trimester but now it is that same fatigue but more deeply physical.  I also cannot multi-task as I usually can and hit a wall of frustration.  I'm giving myself room to not be perfect and be more needy where normally, I don't so much.  It can be difficult to feel okay with this and not to feel worried that I am falling into complacency or something.  But I have to stop those thoughts.  For me, when the baby comes, life gets easier again.  Truly it does.  I hope it holds true this time.  I haven't even had the easiest babies.  But I get myself back and with it my energy.  When I say "myself" I mean the very day or next day after birth, I feel myself again in ways that are difficult to explain.  Simple things even just because of no longer coping with pregnancy.  I get more of my personality back and verve for life.  I wish I was one of the women who love to be pregnant.  There are things I love about it and when I am not pregnant and I don't have a baby, life doesn't feel quite right.  But pregnancy is not easy for me just considering the physical aspects.  I have realized that pregnancy and parenting together at the same time is more difficult with each child.  Not only that I have a young teenager in my care who has specific needs and then the young children with their own needs.  It's hard to balance it all especially while pregnant.  It is challenging to get time to rest or just time to unwind which I need now more than ever.  The teenager wants to be up as late as me and JR and the young ones are up early enough and all may or may not nap or take a quiet time.  I'm still trying to figure out how best to find a solution where I can find better balance for me.  JR has had overtime and when not working has been building a garage.  I know this weighs in on the situation.

With all that said, I have had a surprise lately in that I picked up the book, The Shack having no idea what I was in for.   By the end of it, it really moved me and I felt it conveyed some messages I needed to hear.  It amazes me how the author was used to create such a unique work.  Somehow the book left me with the feeling of hope in a different, new way specifically in regards to our human condition.  Some of the classics I have been reading in particular, Imitation of Christ though inspiring and great to pray with, often leaves me feeling a bit of despair about this life and our quest for union with God.  The Shack somehow uplifts the reader maybe to show that God truly comes to us and we don't have to try so hard to be perfect or reach for Him.  Though one can't disregard the latter either.  I didn't agree with everything in book.  It isn't spiritual reading per say but a work of fiction but I take with me what helps me grow and know God.  Amazing truths are present in that book that reaches so many people.  I am also rereading parts that are particularly inspiring.  I will share more about specific parts if I feel led.  It was refreshing to read despite the tragedy part of the story which I hate tragedy.  It has become increasingly difficult for me to find books worth my attention.  I love historical fiction especially if based on known facts.  I like other books as well but I wont read trashy novels or ones that are too worldly in general.  I have felt God pulling me away from novels despite my love for reading.  He is truly weaning me of many things.  My life is very, very simple.  Even my mom who is now living close by and offers her help to me sees that I don't have many needs for help.  I just don't overextend our family with lots of busyness.  Plus, living in a small town there isn't so much offered.  I wish there was a bit more for the children and even for me.  My 13 year old, AJ has difficulty finding things to do.  I admit this drives me crazy.  I try to help by giving a list, in particular for the summer but he still is bored.  Today, I had to force it on him to choose something because I can allow so much hanging out and doing nothing or special privileges like movies and Xbox.  Even if he spends a portion of his time doing work or chores, I still expect him to use his spare time well.  AJ and I have different personalities.  Our dynamic is not an easy one.  I pray for an increase of love in regards to him.  I care about his well-being but I often feel frustrated by him.  Struggling with this relationship for the nine years of our marriage has not been easy on me and I know it's hard on him too and JR.  I cling to God through it all.  It keeps me humble.  And I entrust AJ to God to make up for where I lack.

Pregnancy and my dad

I have found that I have been more fatigued these last weeks than ever before in any of my pregnancies so that is the main reason for my quietness here.  Suddenly, I feel myself again which is amazing.  I have been doing my best to keep up with the duties of life but some projects have had to go a bit slower.  I had my first doctor appointment yesterday and the baby looks good.  I saw my baby moving around quite a bit though it is quite little still being that I am only not even 12 weeks yet. 

Late last week, my dad told me he has bladder cancer.  He has had failing health for about a decade though he's only now in his early sixties.  It all started with a heart attack and a quad bypass.  He never healed correctly and so he has been living in chronic pain and was forced to retire early and receive disability.  All of this has caused him anxiety and depression.  He has not improved his habits.  He has smoked all his life and continues to eat poorly.  Despite his issues, we have a loving relationship and he adores his grandchildren and they love him.  They are the light of his life.  JR and him have a special way of relating too and have affection and care for one another.  This new diagnosis is something very different though when I researched I found that the top cause is smoking which saddens me.  Next week, he has a biopsy.  I feel scared and conflicted.  In my human self, I would like to see this be nothing serious at all though he has had blood in his urine since November!  My spiritual self sees the possible value in the situation being complicated because my dad has many unresolved issues and he would maybe face them and turn to God.  He tends to keep God at arms length from what I can tell.  Additionally, I have been afraid of when he would die suddenly of another heart attack and that he would not be made ready or not come "see" God.  If faced with illness instead, there would be time to prepare and it could be a great mercy.  I leave him to the hands of God though it is one of the hardest things I've had to do.  As I approach Lent, I feel led to offer up my sacrifices specifically for my dad that he would have Grace to be weaned from himself.  We all need this.  I am no exception and I pray that Lent will help to do the same.  I feel God's presence since I have heard the news and I feel comforted.

"Help me O Lord in my trouble, for worthless is the help of man." Ps 60:13

Today, I faced temptation to speak with my SIL about a real ongoing struggle I am having with my MIL.  I decided to stop and pray first before calling.  It was my normal prayer time anyhow.  I often pray with Imitation of Christ.  I usually go in order from one lesson to the next.  But this time, it opened to a section that started with the scripture quoted in the subject heading and was entitled, "On Not Being Too Credulous Knowing How Easily We Offend in Speech."  It didn't take me long to realize that I would not be making that phone call and would instead turn the situation over to God in my time of prayer  and ask for His insight and help. This section also spoke about offering up these temptations to God and how useful it is to resist our human tendencies to the cause of Christ.  Later another scripture, Matt 10:36 is quoted: "a man's enemies are those of his own household."  This was not coincidental.  The author also cautions the reader about confiding in others and trusting them with secrets and that it is better to remain silent about situations concerning other people.  I recently read something that used the phrase, "Divine Vision."  Basically this is seeing things through God and His grace that comes in being close to Him.  This includes our own failings, the faults of others, the stuggles of life etc.  I have thought about it many times since I read about it.  It also spoke about if we are close to God, we will better see the ways to help others in their struggles and also the more we become like God, that others will see God in us and  grace will flow to others to change and be more like Him too.  As I reflect today on Divine Vision and my own struggles, I feel comforted by the hope that God will continue to work in me, that His Grace will spread to others in my life and that He will give the sight which will enable me to help those close to me.  In the meantime, I work at letting go.

My story: Part 2

We recently moved from my home state to JR's.  His parents and his brother and family live here and we are now in the area not far from them all.  I miss my own family who are mostly back in my home state especially since my dad has health problems and my brother is having children.  In the past few years, starting before the big move, I began experiencing a renewed relationship with the Lord.  This mostly happened due to inter-denominational Bible Study groups using Beth Moore.  The Bible really became alive for me and I understood "living word" in a whole new light.  The studies have led me back into prayer and to my roots in contemplation.  I now find that I am drawn to such classics as "Imitation of Christ" and "Cloud of Unknowing" and general Christian classics such as "God Calling" which I use in my prayer time.

As for family life...it's definitely busy with three little girls and an older son.  I have felt drawn to a more simpler life where I can be better focused on my husband and kids.  Because of time spent with God everyday, I find that I am more able to handle the demands on my life and I am finding more balance.  I recently have decided to home school my little children and am considering it for AJ.  I plan to spend the next year getting equipped and doing some preliminary and basic forms of homeschooling in the meantime.  I have peace about this decision.  I want to spend the days with my children where I can offer them formation.  I feel that school can challenge this process in our children where they are faced with too much unsupervised peer focused pressure and where little or no formation is offered.   I want a family-focused family and not so much emphasis put on friends and activities.  Having some friends and activities is healthy and good though.

I continue to love to cook and sometimes with a little Salsa music going.  :)  I am regular person who is pursuing God for Himself and for His Grace to flow in me and my household.  I look forward to having a secret, safe place to share my daily musings, reflections, struggles and joys.

Novena to Therese of Lisieux

I am starting a novena to St Therese today for the following intentions:

• For my first born daughter whose patron saint is Therese.  I hope to have a celebration for her on October 1st (St Therese's day.)
• For my dad who is suffering ill health and deep physical pain.  I pray that he will find the Lord in the midst of his trials and for his healing in every way.
• For my husband that he will seek the Lord in a deeper way.
• For my own call to holiness and for grace to learn better to die to myself.

Little Flower, please pray for me and offer my intentions before the Child Jesus.

My story: Part 1

I was born of two who only knew each other about two weeks when they were married by the Justice of the Peace.  They became pregnant with me just a few months later.  I was born premature likely as a result of my mom smoking which at that time was not taught to be harmful to the baby.  I was okay though except for having to be kept in the hospital a short time.  My mom was of Catholic background; my dad of protestant.  My dad was active in his church and it wasn't long after I was born that mom went to dad's church and felt compelled to answer an "Altar Call."  This was a life changing experience for her.  She was suddenly able to quit smoking and knew it was the Grace of God.  She began to pursue getting to God through the Bible and anything else she could get her hands on.  She comments that she often would push me in my swing while reading.  My dad never experienced this kind of faith as far as I know.  He would go to church and be involved but it never seemed to transpire into a real relationship.  As my mom sought to learn the Bible and the truths there, she found that she started having questions that seemed to lead to the Catholic Church teachings.   She and my dad decided they would try going to Mass.  It felt right to them both and when I was eight years old, my family became Catholic and my parents had their marriage blessed.  As usual, dad found ways to get involved.  My mom continued to grow and pursued her education in religious studies.  Over the years, she was Director of Religious Education for a few different parishes.  She also became a lay Carmelite following the spirituality of Saint John of the Cross and Teresa of Avila.  Her faith was a gift to me.  I would often go with her to her Carmelite meetings.  But at the same time, I was a normal kid who caused my parents a good amount of headaches in the middle schools years.  In high schoolI evened out and I felt the draw of God and decided to pursue joining Carmel as well.  However, when I went to Catholic university, the director of our Carmelite chapter told me that I would not be able to continue to pursue my Carmelite vocation at that time since I would be out of the area.  Not long after, I found myself drawn to religious life (though I was also naturally drawn to marriage and motherhood.)  The particular order was a teaching Dominican order. I was drawn to the lives the community led and to the joy there.  I visited a few times before deciding I would join.  However, upon entering I did not feel the peace and grace I anticipated.  Instead, I was a wreck and lasted there only five days.  I was 21 at the time.  I was in my own way worldly and it wasn't my true calling. 


I was then given the opportunity to go back to the Catholic university.  Soon after, I learned that my parents were divorcing.  This was not easy news.  It was difficult too watching them struggle to get their bearings in their new reality.  My mom was irrational and they both were depressed.  My dad started to behave like a teenager and my mom entered into a serious relationship a little quicker than I could handle.  She ended up living with her boyfriend which was a shock.  She was still working for the church at the time too.  They were married in the church just several months later (after the annulment of my parents marriage on grounds I am not sure of though I could guess a few things - still it in a way hard to accept to think that their marriage could be annulled especially to me being the child of their marriage.)  I showed my support by standing up for my mom and her new husband.  Not long after, my dad met who would be his future wife and they were married just about a year later.  This period brought about a lot of change for me and I had to try to adjust.  Even with the safe harbor of my Catholic university community, certain things and people began to have a negative influence on me.  I entered a period where I liked to party.  I left the Catholic school for a state school and eventually completed my degree.  The Lord protected me during this time over and again in many ways.  Thankfully I never experimented much with drugs but alcohol got me into my own share of trouble...and fun.  I learned to Salsa dance and developed my ability to cook.  I never fully turned my back on God during this time though - I guess it may be better to say that I still felt a longing for Him.  My soul still felt His presence.  In His great Mercy He would not let me go.  After about five years of going around living mostly my own way, I felt something stir in me bringing me slowly back to Him.  It wasn't too surprising then that I then met my future husband, JR.  He is a man who not only shares my faith foundation but has similar spirituality and also similar life experience having had some joys and failures.  He was just ending a failed marriage.  He had full custody of his 2 year old boy.  He was also experiencing God in a profound way at the time of meeting each other.  We began to know one another and it appeared what we had was real.  We were growing in God though both coming from having lived our own way for some time.  Our dating time was rocky in terms of staying in God's grace but we would continually strive towards a life together in Christ and would seek reconciliation through Confession.  We were married and I was an instant mother to his son, AJ.  We also had to move across the state for a new job for JR.  He lost that job several months later and then we moved back to my home state to work for parents and for him to get a job in his field.  My job allowed me to work from home which was nice for having children.  As much as I cared for my stepson, the dynamics were not easy for us.  Thankfully he was only four when were married and for me that his natural mother was on the periphery of his life.  Though my heart ached for him over his lost relationship with her and I wanted to do right by him and be the best I could be.  My husband and I struggled through all of this.  It was not an easy first year.  

Shortly into the second year, we conceived and were elated.  Everything went along as it should and was uneventful until the birth.  Our son, BP was born with an umbilical cord issue and had to be revived.  He lived six days before it was determined he was brain dead as a result of the umbilical cord accident.  This was devastating to us.  For the first time in my life, I questioned my faith and wondered if it was true that heaven exists and that Jesus was God.  I asked for a sign.  Within a few weeks, I experienced the familiar presence of God and it comforted me and gave me grace to believe with a new stronger faith.  I had a long road ahead towards healing from my loss.  Just six months after this loss, I miscarried a baby at 8 weeks gestation.  Losing Baby H magnified my grief.  I wondered if I would ever have a child of my own.  However since we have been blessed with three little girls; MT, ER and JM.  

As for my two sets of parents, during this period, I began to really know and love my step parents and recognize how good they were for our family.  My brother also was married and has one little girl so far.  JR's brother was married the same year we were and they have three children the same ages as our little girls.