We're having a BOY!  Honestly, I never really knew how much hearing those words from the ultrasound tech would mean to me.  Even after losing my firstborn son shortly after birth and having four girls since.  For JR, my husband, he was moved to tears at the news and told me how much he wants this for me.  I told him how much I want this for us.  The whole family is very excited - extended family included.   Though we would have welcomed a girl, this is a special blessing for us.  I know it will be different because of the feelings that emerged in me those several short days I had with my baby boy before he left us.  There is something special in having a baby boy - different special than having a baby girl.  A few days after receiving the news, I pulled out the box of boys things I have been saving since the loss of BP.  I have never much attributed those things as being his but they are somewhat tied to him naturally.  I was amazed that as it's coming on 10 years later that many of the things are classic and not out of style and they seem new still.  The reality of what it means to have a son of my own from birth (hopefully to raise) has been coming to mind.  He will certainly have lots of little mommies.  Even AJ, my full-time stepson who will be 16 years old talks of things he will do with his brother.  I respond by telling him that the relationship will be whatever he makes of it.  :)  I also think in regards to the boy toys and activities - perhaps different than AJ.  I think of the help he will be to his dad later on.   We are just getting serious about names.  I pray we have inspiration and will feel convicted in a name together. 

Homeschooling AJ is going well.  His scores are good.  I have been pleased with most of the curriculum I picked out and it is an amazingly free feeling to have chosen the mix of it mostly on my own with some inspiration from others rather than a set curriculum or choosing an online school. The Biology text is okay to me but not so much to AJ.  So we'll probably switch into something else if we continue next year.   I even write my own tests for that since they don't provide any.  For writing, I have written a few quizzes also.  I plan to have lots of fun and creativity in Geography though I understand that many don't give that subject much emphasis.  I can see how that could happen but I personally love Geography and all of it's components including some culture.  I plan to overlap World History with World Geography and Writing.  AJ is a good kid though in some ways he is the typical teenager in ways I wish he wasn't.  He has some strong negativity which I hope to help him with if I can.  This includes being negative about many small things.  He is often a good deal negative with his sisters though not always.  I know this is normal.  I just wish he could see that it doesn't have to be that way.  Thankfully, he's busy between working for Grandpa in the mornings and homeschooling in the afternoon.  But this negativity can come through in his attitude about his school work.  I don't appreciate it but I feel more concerned than affected I guess.  I pray for him and I plan to give him some tools though I don't claim to be much capable.  I pray the Lord will lead me and one tool I am starting to use tomorrow is giving AJ a weekly Scripture verse which I'll incorporate into his school work that week.  As I have mentioned before, there is great power in Scripture - after all it is the two-edged sword.   Plus there are great messages of truth and offer of healing.  I sense with AJ that though he has some strong moral and religious convictions about life, society and the Catholic or Christian faith, he lacks a personal relationship.  We could do more to cultivate it in our home but Jason and I bring in faith into life lessons which come up a lot and JR's story of his experience of Jesus is powerful.  I try to set an example.  AJ prefers many secular distractions and even currently rejects more Christian ones.  I guess when I was his age, I already had my conversion experience.  With JR, not so much yet but some foundation was laid.  I pray that foundation for true conversion is there and will take hold in AJ.  

Blessed Christmas

Just as I sat to write, I saw five deer come across my line of site as they scampered down the street.  Even though we live in town, we are on the edge of town and so we often see deer and sometimes wild turkeys. On Sunday, The Feast of the Holy Family, we discovered that we were blessed with a new life - I'm pregnant.  This is my sixth pregnancy in seven years!  It was a little earlier than we would've have planned but life is a miracle that I will never take for granted and we wanted more children.  I recently read in the catechism the churches stand on family planning and I understand to read that a couple should never be "done" have children except for very good reasons.  I suppose having more kids than one could handle or provide for could be considered a good reason however I think it's important not to stretch this for one's convenience.  At the same time, I wonder if I will even get the family planning thing down or if I will be having children all the way up until menopause.  I have had some adjustment to do (I'm still adjusting) to the idea of having another baby which will bring me once again this summer to having three children 3 1/2 and under though they will all be a bit older and I will have one other (MT) that will be 5 1/2.  I wonder if I will attempt going places or having the older children in activities next fall.  When I found out I was pregnant with JM (she is now almost 18 months) I wondered how I would do anything then but I found a way and I didn't do too much.  The Lord has already been calling me to a family/home centered life for me and my children and maybe He is taking me another step into the simpler life - one that is not full of any or all of the "stuff" and "fluff."  I have been thoughtful and a little melancholic, I will admit.  But I also have joy.  Could the mixed emotions have something to do with hormones or just the meaning of this new life to all of us?  I haven't shared this news with my family yet which is really unlike me.  I have only shared with two friends who are not much connected to anyone.  It's ironic that I'm pregnant now because my project was just getting wrapped up -- and I will reveal now that is is a book about pregnancy for parents based on my own experiences -- and I guess I will have something to add with the happenings of this pregnancy.  If all goes well (and I find I have to say this after loss) I will be the mom to many children and it changes my identity a bit.  I wanted this identity but I wasn't quite there yet -- now, I guess I have to be and God will show me how to do it.  I have to learn better how to do it all.  I pray for grace.  I pray for this little soul.  Ofcourse, I long for a son but my focus is on a healthy baby and either gender is just fine.  So I pray for a healthy pregnancy for the baby and for me as the mom.  I need help from God for improved health and I'm sure any improvement will positively affect the pregnancy.  I have been exercising regularly and I don't want to stop.  I also hope to purify my diet with more whole foods.  I don't want to experience that panic and anxiety again and more than that, a pregnancy loss.  I lift it all up to the Lord who is the giver of all things.

My story: Part 1

I was born of two who only knew each other about two weeks when they were married by the Justice of the Peace.  They became pregnant with me just a few months later.  I was born premature likely as a result of my mom smoking which at that time was not taught to be harmful to the baby.  I was okay though except for having to be kept in the hospital a short time.  My mom was of Catholic background; my dad of protestant.  My dad was active in his church and it wasn't long after I was born that mom went to dad's church and felt compelled to answer an "Altar Call."  This was a life changing experience for her.  She was suddenly able to quit smoking and knew it was the Grace of God.  She began to pursue getting to God through the Bible and anything else she could get her hands on.  She comments that she often would push me in my swing while reading.  My dad never experienced this kind of faith as far as I know.  He would go to church and be involved but it never seemed to transpire into a real relationship.  As my mom sought to learn the Bible and the truths there, she found that she started having questions that seemed to lead to the Catholic Church teachings.   She and my dad decided they would try going to Mass.  It felt right to them both and when I was eight years old, my family became Catholic and my parents had their marriage blessed.  As usual, dad found ways to get involved.  My mom continued to grow and pursued her education in religious studies.  Over the years, she was Director of Religious Education for a few different parishes.  She also became a lay Carmelite following the spirituality of Saint John of the Cross and Teresa of Avila.  Her faith was a gift to me.  I would often go with her to her Carmelite meetings.  But at the same time, I was a normal kid who caused my parents a good amount of headaches in the middle schools years.  In high schoolI evened out and I felt the draw of God and decided to pursue joining Carmel as well.  However, when I went to Catholic university, the director of our Carmelite chapter told me that I would not be able to continue to pursue my Carmelite vocation at that time since I would be out of the area.  Not long after, I found myself drawn to religious life (though I was also naturally drawn to marriage and motherhood.)  The particular order was a teaching Dominican order. I was drawn to the lives the community led and to the joy there.  I visited a few times before deciding I would join.  However, upon entering I did not feel the peace and grace I anticipated.  Instead, I was a wreck and lasted there only five days.  I was 21 at the time.  I was in my own way worldly and it wasn't my true calling. 


I was then given the opportunity to go back to the Catholic university.  Soon after, I learned that my parents were divorcing.  This was not easy news.  It was difficult too watching them struggle to get their bearings in their new reality.  My mom was irrational and they both were depressed.  My dad started to behave like a teenager and my mom entered into a serious relationship a little quicker than I could handle.  She ended up living with her boyfriend which was a shock.  She was still working for the church at the time too.  They were married in the church just several months later (after the annulment of my parents marriage on grounds I am not sure of though I could guess a few things - still it in a way hard to accept to think that their marriage could be annulled especially to me being the child of their marriage.)  I showed my support by standing up for my mom and her new husband.  Not long after, my dad met who would be his future wife and they were married just about a year later.  This period brought about a lot of change for me and I had to try to adjust.  Even with the safe harbor of my Catholic university community, certain things and people began to have a negative influence on me.  I entered a period where I liked to party.  I left the Catholic school for a state school and eventually completed my degree.  The Lord protected me during this time over and again in many ways.  Thankfully I never experimented much with drugs but alcohol got me into my own share of trouble...and fun.  I learned to Salsa dance and developed my ability to cook.  I never fully turned my back on God during this time though - I guess it may be better to say that I still felt a longing for Him.  My soul still felt His presence.  In His great Mercy He would not let me go.  After about five years of going around living mostly my own way, I felt something stir in me bringing me slowly back to Him.  It wasn't too surprising then that I then met my future husband, JR.  He is a man who not only shares my faith foundation but has similar spirituality and also similar life experience having had some joys and failures.  He was just ending a failed marriage.  He had full custody of his 2 year old boy.  He was also experiencing God in a profound way at the time of meeting each other.  We began to know one another and it appeared what we had was real.  We were growing in God though both coming from having lived our own way for some time.  Our dating time was rocky in terms of staying in God's grace but we would continually strive towards a life together in Christ and would seek reconciliation through Confession.  We were married and I was an instant mother to his son, AJ.  We also had to move across the state for a new job for JR.  He lost that job several months later and then we moved back to my home state to work for parents and for him to get a job in his field.  My job allowed me to work from home which was nice for having children.  As much as I cared for my stepson, the dynamics were not easy for us.  Thankfully he was only four when were married and for me that his natural mother was on the periphery of his life.  Though my heart ached for him over his lost relationship with her and I wanted to do right by him and be the best I could be.  My husband and I struggled through all of this.  It was not an easy first year.  

Shortly into the second year, we conceived and were elated.  Everything went along as it should and was uneventful until the birth.  Our son, BP was born with an umbilical cord issue and had to be revived.  He lived six days before it was determined he was brain dead as a result of the umbilical cord accident.  This was devastating to us.  For the first time in my life, I questioned my faith and wondered if it was true that heaven exists and that Jesus was God.  I asked for a sign.  Within a few weeks, I experienced the familiar presence of God and it comforted me and gave me grace to believe with a new stronger faith.  I had a long road ahead towards healing from my loss.  Just six months after this loss, I miscarried a baby at 8 weeks gestation.  Losing Baby H magnified my grief.  I wondered if I would ever have a child of my own.  However since we have been blessed with three little girls; MT, ER and JM.  

As for my two sets of parents, during this period, I began to really know and love my step parents and recognize how good they were for our family.  My brother also was married and has one little girl so far.  JR's brother was married the same year we were and they have three children the same ages as our little girls.  

September 11th

While most (including me) today reflect on the day in 2001, I also remember my baby H who I miscarried this day in 2003.  This was a difficult year for me though it marked the year that the Lord was calling me closer to him as an adult. In March of that year, I had lost my first born and only son to an accident at birth.  This was very heartbreaking and trying for many weeks and months - even years to come.  I struggled also with my faith and wondered if I ever would have a living child of my own.  I was already raising my husband's son A who calls me mom.  But I longed for a baby.  Since then, I have been blessed with three beautiful girls, all three under five years old.

My heart has been a little heavier this week as Baby H's day approached and how inevitably it raises feelings about both of my babies in heaven.  But I choose today to rejoice in that I have two additional children to know for all eternity when I pass into the other world.  I have come to believe that heaven will more than make up for what I have lost here on earth with my children who are not with me.  What a consolation!  Perhaps they will each be the baby, the child, and the adult I never knew when I am with them again.  More importantly I will be with them amongst the communion of Saints praising God and in union with Him.