Pregnancy and my dad (Part 2 and update)

Too much time has passed since I last posted here.  I admit that I have been unsure if I would continue and I can't say what my future is as a blogger but for today, I feel some conviction to proceed for awhile.  Since my last post, we have been blessed with the healthy birth of our fourth daughter, HC.  She is now one year old and it has been a great joy to watch her grow and savor all of her littleness.  She is still little.  Though she fits into 12 month clothes, she has tiny feet and she is just now standing with the help of holding something.  She is the sweetest baby ever and her sisters and big brother love her tons.  The whole family does.  The pregnancy was pretty uneventful other than she was in and out of a cord wrap every few days at the end.  This made me nervous.  The day I was induced, her non-stress didn't go so great.  She was not very reactive and I was going to be induced a few days later but my OB thought it was time to go ahead.  I had an ultrasound previous to the test and knew I saw the cord around her neck though the technician didn't mention it.  I passed this info on to my doc.  Like all my babies, she was born fast and I pushed out fast.  Though she didn't cry right away, she was breathing and there was a cord around the neck just as I knew there was.  She was a pretty baby from the first moment I saw her.  She has had more hair since birth and through infancy than any of my others.  I was so happy she was out safely.  But, then they tested her blood sugars and they were low, dangerously low.  She ended up in the NICU. This was painful for me to go back into a NICU after what happened with my first born. I had to be strong.  The other part that was hard was though her situation was not so critical compared to many of the other babies there, I felt responsible for her having to be there because I have gestational diabetes when pregnant and I could've managed it better.  Me, who is very proactive in my pregnancy failed in this area and it was very hard to swallow.  I felt guilty and sad about it.  Thankfully, she was only in the NICU for a day and a half but it was still hard.  She had to be given formula to keep her blood sugar up.  I tried to express my colostrum and I did but it wasn't enough.  Therefore, when she was released from the NICU she had nipple confusion.  This lasted a good few weeks but I didn't give up.  I actually broke the rules and allowed her to latch on incorrectly if it meant her latching on at all.  And you know, she worked it out though I was sore in the meantime.  Everything has evened out in the scope of things.  Since her birth, I have been determined to lose a significant amount of weight to help avoid gestational diabetes in a future pregnancy but so far, I have failed.  I am exercising and try to eat better but only have lost several pounds.  It's better than gaining, I know but I need to see the change for reasons than beyond myself and I seek the Lord's help to "die to myself."  Being a homemaker, it's a lot harder to make food and not eat it than when I was single.  Somehow, I trust in the Lord that in His time, He will help me and I pray that it's before I fall pregnant again.  No, we are not done having kids even though we have five together that we are raising and I am now well on my way to turning 39 but I do hope have a good space between HC and the next one.  Family planning has been an area of growth for me too but I'll save that for another post.

The second part of this update is concerning my dad.  He does have bladder cancer and it is ongoing.  He has not reformed his life and still smokes to some degree which doesn't help things.  He also has developed emphezema.  This is on top of his chronic pain that he's had since his quadruple bi-pass some 12 years ago.  He is living a housebound life at the age of 63.  His quality of life is really lacking.  He recently finished chemo and had surgery and is recovering but today he was found to have an infection from the surgery and we're not sure what that's about yet.  My step mom, is good to him but busy with her work and now her mother has just suffered from a stroke leaving her also housebound.  She visits her every other day after work and on Saturdays.   My dad is in his own world which is natural for someone dealing with ongoing illness.  It is not the best situation.  With living out of state with a large family, I have limits on visiting.  I did visit last spring. I continually pray that the Lord will shower his healing Love on my dad and that he will accept and love Him in return.  It is difficult to know his spiritual state but I sense there is still work to be done and I pray in God's mercy, He will fulfill the good work he has begun in my dad. (Phillipians 1:6)

Reflection on Heaven

I have come to have great hope through losing my son, BP and my Baby H, that heaven will more than make up for what is lost in any relationship.  Though I think, that heaven is more about God than about any relationships among the communion of the saints, but is that true really?  It is a mystery.  Somehow it is about God in His fullness and about relationships among the communion of saints in its fullness too which the latter is only because of God anyhow.  Love, Love, Love.  All Love comes from God and in heaven all will be clear and Love will flow without obstruction of sin, of time or of space.  These things bring me peace and all will be revealed once I pass through this veil that sometimes drives me crazy!  This world is for the insane and the "king of confusion" does his best to make that happen.  By the Grace of God, we see clearly and fall away from the risk of insanity and life can be meaningful and at times, beautiful. 

My story: Part 1

I was born of two who only knew each other about two weeks when they were married by the Justice of the Peace.  They became pregnant with me just a few months later.  I was born premature likely as a result of my mom smoking which at that time was not taught to be harmful to the baby.  I was okay though except for having to be kept in the hospital a short time.  My mom was of Catholic background; my dad of protestant.  My dad was active in his church and it wasn't long after I was born that mom went to dad's church and felt compelled to answer an "Altar Call."  This was a life changing experience for her.  She was suddenly able to quit smoking and knew it was the Grace of God.  She began to pursue getting to God through the Bible and anything else she could get her hands on.  She comments that she often would push me in my swing while reading.  My dad never experienced this kind of faith as far as I know.  He would go to church and be involved but it never seemed to transpire into a real relationship.  As my mom sought to learn the Bible and the truths there, she found that she started having questions that seemed to lead to the Catholic Church teachings.   She and my dad decided they would try going to Mass.  It felt right to them both and when I was eight years old, my family became Catholic and my parents had their marriage blessed.  As usual, dad found ways to get involved.  My mom continued to grow and pursued her education in religious studies.  Over the years, she was Director of Religious Education for a few different parishes.  She also became a lay Carmelite following the spirituality of Saint John of the Cross and Teresa of Avila.  Her faith was a gift to me.  I would often go with her to her Carmelite meetings.  But at the same time, I was a normal kid who caused my parents a good amount of headaches in the middle schools years.  In high schoolI evened out and I felt the draw of God and decided to pursue joining Carmel as well.  However, when I went to Catholic university, the director of our Carmelite chapter told me that I would not be able to continue to pursue my Carmelite vocation at that time since I would be out of the area.  Not long after, I found myself drawn to religious life (though I was also naturally drawn to marriage and motherhood.)  The particular order was a teaching Dominican order. I was drawn to the lives the community led and to the joy there.  I visited a few times before deciding I would join.  However, upon entering I did not feel the peace and grace I anticipated.  Instead, I was a wreck and lasted there only five days.  I was 21 at the time.  I was in my own way worldly and it wasn't my true calling. 


I was then given the opportunity to go back to the Catholic university.  Soon after, I learned that my parents were divorcing.  This was not easy news.  It was difficult too watching them struggle to get their bearings in their new reality.  My mom was irrational and they both were depressed.  My dad started to behave like a teenager and my mom entered into a serious relationship a little quicker than I could handle.  She ended up living with her boyfriend which was a shock.  She was still working for the church at the time too.  They were married in the church just several months later (after the annulment of my parents marriage on grounds I am not sure of though I could guess a few things - still it in a way hard to accept to think that their marriage could be annulled especially to me being the child of their marriage.)  I showed my support by standing up for my mom and her new husband.  Not long after, my dad met who would be his future wife and they were married just about a year later.  This period brought about a lot of change for me and I had to try to adjust.  Even with the safe harbor of my Catholic university community, certain things and people began to have a negative influence on me.  I entered a period where I liked to party.  I left the Catholic school for a state school and eventually completed my degree.  The Lord protected me during this time over and again in many ways.  Thankfully I never experimented much with drugs but alcohol got me into my own share of trouble...and fun.  I learned to Salsa dance and developed my ability to cook.  I never fully turned my back on God during this time though - I guess it may be better to say that I still felt a longing for Him.  My soul still felt His presence.  In His great Mercy He would not let me go.  After about five years of going around living mostly my own way, I felt something stir in me bringing me slowly back to Him.  It wasn't too surprising then that I then met my future husband, JR.  He is a man who not only shares my faith foundation but has similar spirituality and also similar life experience having had some joys and failures.  He was just ending a failed marriage.  He had full custody of his 2 year old boy.  He was also experiencing God in a profound way at the time of meeting each other.  We began to know one another and it appeared what we had was real.  We were growing in God though both coming from having lived our own way for some time.  Our dating time was rocky in terms of staying in God's grace but we would continually strive towards a life together in Christ and would seek reconciliation through Confession.  We were married and I was an instant mother to his son, AJ.  We also had to move across the state for a new job for JR.  He lost that job several months later and then we moved back to my home state to work for parents and for him to get a job in his field.  My job allowed me to work from home which was nice for having children.  As much as I cared for my stepson, the dynamics were not easy for us.  Thankfully he was only four when were married and for me that his natural mother was on the periphery of his life.  Though my heart ached for him over his lost relationship with her and I wanted to do right by him and be the best I could be.  My husband and I struggled through all of this.  It was not an easy first year.  

Shortly into the second year, we conceived and were elated.  Everything went along as it should and was uneventful until the birth.  Our son, BP was born with an umbilical cord issue and had to be revived.  He lived six days before it was determined he was brain dead as a result of the umbilical cord accident.  This was devastating to us.  For the first time in my life, I questioned my faith and wondered if it was true that heaven exists and that Jesus was God.  I asked for a sign.  Within a few weeks, I experienced the familiar presence of God and it comforted me and gave me grace to believe with a new stronger faith.  I had a long road ahead towards healing from my loss.  Just six months after this loss, I miscarried a baby at 8 weeks gestation.  Losing Baby H magnified my grief.  I wondered if I would ever have a child of my own.  However since we have been blessed with three little girls; MT, ER and JM.  

As for my two sets of parents, during this period, I began to really know and love my step parents and recognize how good they were for our family.  My brother also was married and has one little girl so far.  JR's brother was married the same year we were and they have three children the same ages as our little girls.  

September 11th

While most (including me) today reflect on the day in 2001, I also remember my baby H who I miscarried this day in 2003.  This was a difficult year for me though it marked the year that the Lord was calling me closer to him as an adult. In March of that year, I had lost my first born and only son to an accident at birth.  This was very heartbreaking and trying for many weeks and months - even years to come.  I struggled also with my faith and wondered if I ever would have a living child of my own.  I was already raising my husband's son A who calls me mom.  But I longed for a baby.  Since then, I have been blessed with three beautiful girls, all three under five years old.

My heart has been a little heavier this week as Baby H's day approached and how inevitably it raises feelings about both of my babies in heaven.  But I choose today to rejoice in that I have two additional children to know for all eternity when I pass into the other world.  I have come to believe that heaven will more than make up for what I have lost here on earth with my children who are not with me.  What a consolation!  Perhaps they will each be the baby, the child, and the adult I never knew when I am with them again.  More importantly I will be with them amongst the communion of Saints praising God and in union with Him.