Baby and family news and more

We welcomed a new precious boy, RM in January.  I wish I could say things were not complicated but he had low blood sugar and had to spend an extra couple of days in the hospital.  How I wish that weren't the case while we watched him being poked too many times.  We were sick in our house before, during and after his birth and he ended up developing RSV and possible pneumonia.  His color wasn't good and we ended up bringing him to the emergency room of our small town hospital where it became clear he needed treatment at a larger hospital and would need to be air-lifted.  This was very difficult for us and again RM had to be poked too many times.  He made a quick and strong recovery and we were able to come home after just a few days.  In between his birth and being hospitalized for being sick, I was having anxiety or panic attacks.  I had experienced anxiety and panic in the last trimester with my third daughter but it affected really only my sleep.  I was having some hints of this same thing in the last part of my pregnancy with RM too but it was not too difficult to deal with.  But his anxiety after he was born WAS difficult and it was not during the night but while I was awake during the day.  I did not feel good and after several days I called my OB and they had me come in.  I knew that I would be given some medication and though I don't like to take anything more than a mild pain killer, I was desperate for the anxiety to stop.  He put me on a low dose of Zoloft.  Within hours I felt completely back to myself.  It was quite a relief.  I couldn't continue that way another day - my whole life felt skewed.  I was agitated within and it was not really because anything anyone would do but I was just not myself.  I lost my appetite too and felt I had to cope alone which was isolating.  Jason was home a lot during that period and he barely saw me.  I don't think he realized how bad it was until after I was "back to myself" which I really hadn't been until before I was pregnant.  While pregnant, I was coping but not having anxiety but everything was a push for me.  Now I am back to myself.  We are finding a new normal with another person in our family.  I am very happy and glad to have energy again to get to projects, get outside with the kids on nicer days and exercise.  During my postpartum appointment, my OB and I decided I would only remain on the drug for a total of three months which I feel is reasonable giving time for my hormones to return to normal.

As for homeschooling, AJ has been back to public school since soon after Christmas break.  He just didn't have it in him to put the effort forth.  He depended on the idea that homeschooling would be easier than regular school.  It wasn't.  It was a challenge though I made it easier for him in ways he needed it to be - like in Biology, making it less college prep and more basic.  I was putting forth all my effort and he was not.  I have seen growth in him because of being homeschooled though.  Now that he's back to regular school, he's actually doing quite well.  But I know it's easier there.  He's hanging out with his friends again and is in robotics and metals classes which compliments his work with his grandpa getting trained in machining.  He's pretty excited about this and will be going to a competition with a team.  I feel good that I made an honest try of homeschooling him since he consistently wanted it.  I am letting go of his lack of effort which was really quite apparent and disappointing.  It cost us some money and for me, time and energy but those are the sacrifices we make for our kids even if things don't work out.  I wish it would've turned out differently. 

Spiritually, the whole episode at the birth and after with RN took its toll on me.  I have been rather dry even before that time for a few months - probably since after fall time or maybe after the election which was disappointing.  I felt burnt out.  I was really trying to reach out to others to share the truth but hearts are cold and minds are made up.  I can hope a seed or two was planted.  Regardless, I felt tired and deflated.  I was in a parish program with my mom and husband at the time.  It was beneficial but I didn't "feel" much from it.  My husband, JR had a major transformation though.  My mom too has had one in the last year.  For these, I praise God.  I told the Lord too that if I didn't feel Him for a time, I would persist and have faith and know He was there.  I am persisting.  JR and I are praying together now and sometimes as a family. I am watching him grow.  This is enough for me for the time being.  I will wait on the Lord to show Himself to me in the which ever way He may choose. 

Next month RN will be christened on the same day our oldest daughter, MT will receive her sacraments.  JR's mother is making both garments.  She also made the girls' baptism gown.  The bishop will be presiding.  It will be a special day.  Eight years ago AJ received his sacraments when MT was baptized.  Now she will be receiving them when her baby brother will be baptized. 

It was interesting to learn that the pope announced his resignation.  Presently our world waits to have a new pope elected.  I pray for the Lord's will and for guidance of our cardinals.  I continue to pray for the state our world and for our country.  I continue to have hope in the Lord's mercy. 

Blessings

Pregnancy for me is never very easy though I have heard many stories of others who've had it much worse.  Still, I have had increased nausea and vomiting in the last week, regular headaches and fatigue.  I wonder how I'll ever get to some of my tasks.  Then after a rather rough day which included all of the above symptoms, I had a burst of energy.  The problem with this is that it was at 9:00 PM.  What am I going to get done at that time of day???  Actually, I was putting my girls down a little late and had a good amount of fun with them at bedtime.   Lately with all my symptoms, bedtime has been yet another task and it makes me sad that life is like that right now most of the time.  I decided I would simply enjoy feeling good once I said my goodnights and gave kisses, noses and hugs all around.  When I have had other energy bursts, I have gone for walks or really got a lot done around here.  It feels good. I thank God for those times of reprieve.  Ever since my first pregnancy I have said that I wish I could just hibernate for nine months - I'm halfway serious about this though I know that I really don't want this since I have children to raise.  I'm thankful that these symptoms lift when the babies are born.  The next day after giving birth, I feel "back to myself."  I almost forget what it feels like to be "me" during all those months.  It is actually easier for me once the babies are born. :)

Since my post last week, tensions have been lighter around here.  God is good like that not to allow things to be burdensome for too long.  I had to think why there was a change and it was actually - no surprise here - communication.  Naturally, an opportunity to parent arose that brought this out between me and AJ and then my husband, JR became involved.  Communication is key to easing tensions.  I have to remember this.  I don't mean nagging either - that's different.  I need to remember to not only pray in the midst of difficult situations which I was doing, but also pray for the divine opportunity for communication and healing. We'll see how the weekend goes.  :)

This week, I have been occupied with watching the Republican National Convention.  I continue to have hopes that our current president will be out of job after this election.  I also continue to have some reservations about Romney but I hope in him and continue to pray for God's mercy on our country.  I had to remind myself that as much as I watch politics, I need to be praying continuously.  At Bible Study, my mom pointed out that Billy Graham is calling the faithful of this country to fast for 40 days up to the election.  This would begin something like September 27th.  Though I am not in a position to fast, I am willing to give up something(s) and to make prayer commitments.  Perhaps others will join in this.  Fasting is a powerful means for the Lord to work and we cannot underestimate it.  It can be easy to forget in the culture we live which only reminds us from every angle of each and every last way of how to gratify ourselves. 

Temptation entering Holy Week

As shared in the previous post, I have experienced some graces and help during this Lent.  In fact, this has been one of the better Lents.  It is due to being committed to daily prayer, monthly Adoration on First Saturday, beginning Lent with Mass on Ash Wednesday and confession the following Wednesday and also finishing up an in-depth Bible Study on Jesus which has much personal application.  Additionally, I have been reading the book Consoling the Heart of Jesus: A Do-It-Yourself Retreat by Fr Michael Gaitley MIC since the onset of Lent.  This book is amazing and life changing and so down to earth as it is written for "little souls" as the author calls them.  This all sounds like a nice "laundry list" of good, essential things to do to have a good Lent.  But the reality is that despite this, these weeks have been still mixed with failings like the one mentioned last post.  Since then Grace has helped me in this specific area and I feel strength through your prayers.  But there are other failings.  I have come to realize that I am not making progress in the area that burdens me about my health, weight loss and hope for a better future pregnancy for me and the baby.  I am tempted to despair over my failings despite the grace to make better choices daily.  I still fail including to fully give up some things that I chose to give up for Lent.  But as the book above teaches, it is precisely at these times that we need to climb into the arms of Jesus.  This consoles Him rather than us hiding in shame.  He in turn offers us consolation, peace and help.  The fact is, we are sinners and will always sin no matter how close to Christ we may be.  We cannot give in to the temptation to despair.  So I pull myself up to make that climb but then remember what St Therese says about the elevator being Jesus and that we don't have to make that tough climb so instead I let him take me there to Himself.  

So what can this mean for this last, most Holy Week of Lent?  Maybe just in realizing more fully my dependence on Him, I will call on His Holy Name as I strive to do more for Him.  I will call to mind His Most Holy Face in the image of the Divine Mercy and say those words, I trust in You and allow Him to fill me with His Peace so that Love will flow between us. It is there that joy is found according to Father Gaitley.  

I am not even finished with the book yet but it's having a profound effect.  My husband has read a bit of the book too and has received some great insight and help.  This week I aim to forget myself and my sins and look to Christ and His great Love, Sacrifice and Victory!  Praise Him!

Trials and Grace

This Lent has been both incredibly blessed so far while at the same time there have been some emerging trials - almost brewing under the surface.  The main part of this trial is long standing though it can come in varying degrees and then go and come back.  It has to do with dynamics in the home and unresolved issues about what it means to have family time and how to use spare time.  I would guess many relate to this to some degree.  I can only imagine the peace that would come with a firm understanding among family members on this issue.  I know some households have achieved this.  I would think it comes with communication and commitment.  Though my husband, JR and I are fortunate to be "equally yoked" we are not always at the same place at the same time.  Right  now, he wants to hang on to some of the superficial things in life more than I do.  I don't mind these things but in smaller doses though.  The hard part is his 15 year old son AJ, my stepson who lives with us follows suit with his dad whenever they're home together.  This can wear on my spirit.  But after some mounting tension and then conflict over the weekend and feeling broken about things, the Lord showed me to have greater tolerance during this season of life.  That's right, it is just a season.  Perhaps we will have more ability to come to an agreement about things for our family and our son and how time is spent but until then, I need to struggle through those irritating times and either draw the line or have tolerance.  I have tended to isolate myself and do my own thing during these times.  JR has noticed this and has felt his own tension rising towards me as a result.  So I also feel that I need to try to be present and perhaps affect change that way (hopefully in a positive way) rather than doing what I have been doing.  The tension steals my joy and it breaks my heart to think that the whole thing and myself included contributes to disharmony and hurt in the home.  Unfortunately, how AJ spends his time has been an issue for me since we have been a family.  He has no sibling in his age range to play with though he does pretty great with his sisters.  He is sometimes bossy and says things that are inappropriate but that can be very normal.  I have tried through the years especially when J was on the road for his job and I was home alone with him to have game night and to invite friends over for him to play with.  But that can only do so much.  He has not been into sports though he did go out for football this last fall.  Because of his personality and his trouble in being productive in play or activity, it has caused tension in me through the years and I am sure it has burdened him too which breaks my heart.  I have been crying out to God to help me overcome this tension - to love better.  It is so hard.  In the early years, I was depressed about it.  It was difficult seeing my own powerlessness.  I had to choose love day after day.  I care so much about AJ's well being.  In that way, I am a good mom and I give him a spiritual foundation and try to offer him a balanced life.  I know he appreciates and we have come a long way.  In fact, I am committed to homeschooling him next year unless there is a huge change for him at high school.  I would have never thought this would happen because he is so social and he needs something outside of the home to fill that need.  But highschool is not a positive experience for him.  He wants me to homeschool him and has for some time.  I told him I would if he had something else, like a job or sports.  I dont want him to be bored here at home and have no interaction with others.  But I think that it could work out if he has something else.  I feel optimistic and that says a lot considering our history.  So God is obviously doing some great things.  I enjoy him, he's a good, handsome boy who's coming into manhood.  I need to tell him more that I'm proud of him and that I love him.  I fail at this and again, this breaks my heart but I know today it can change and improve with God's grace.  If anyone has comments about this or insight or suggestions, please feel free to email me.  I may post it to the site if I feel so led and if I obtain your permission. I do ask for prayers. On a side note, there have been many ways the Lord has been working and I will share more in my next post.  Praise Him!

Pregnancy and my dad (Part 2 and update)

Too much time has passed since I last posted here.  I admit that I have been unsure if I would continue and I can't say what my future is as a blogger but for today, I feel some conviction to proceed for awhile.  Since my last post, we have been blessed with the healthy birth of our fourth daughter, HC.  She is now one year old and it has been a great joy to watch her grow and savor all of her littleness.  She is still little.  Though she fits into 12 month clothes, she has tiny feet and she is just now standing with the help of holding something.  She is the sweetest baby ever and her sisters and big brother love her tons.  The whole family does.  The pregnancy was pretty uneventful other than she was in and out of a cord wrap every few days at the end.  This made me nervous.  The day I was induced, her non-stress didn't go so great.  She was not very reactive and I was going to be induced a few days later but my OB thought it was time to go ahead.  I had an ultrasound previous to the test and knew I saw the cord around her neck though the technician didn't mention it.  I passed this info on to my doc.  Like all my babies, she was born fast and I pushed out fast.  Though she didn't cry right away, she was breathing and there was a cord around the neck just as I knew there was.  She was a pretty baby from the first moment I saw her.  She has had more hair since birth and through infancy than any of my others.  I was so happy she was out safely.  But, then they tested her blood sugars and they were low, dangerously low.  She ended up in the NICU. This was painful for me to go back into a NICU after what happened with my first born. I had to be strong.  The other part that was hard was though her situation was not so critical compared to many of the other babies there, I felt responsible for her having to be there because I have gestational diabetes when pregnant and I could've managed it better.  Me, who is very proactive in my pregnancy failed in this area and it was very hard to swallow.  I felt guilty and sad about it.  Thankfully, she was only in the NICU for a day and a half but it was still hard.  She had to be given formula to keep her blood sugar up.  I tried to express my colostrum and I did but it wasn't enough.  Therefore, when she was released from the NICU she had nipple confusion.  This lasted a good few weeks but I didn't give up.  I actually broke the rules and allowed her to latch on incorrectly if it meant her latching on at all.  And you know, she worked it out though I was sore in the meantime.  Everything has evened out in the scope of things.  Since her birth, I have been determined to lose a significant amount of weight to help avoid gestational diabetes in a future pregnancy but so far, I have failed.  I am exercising and try to eat better but only have lost several pounds.  It's better than gaining, I know but I need to see the change for reasons than beyond myself and I seek the Lord's help to "die to myself."  Being a homemaker, it's a lot harder to make food and not eat it than when I was single.  Somehow, I trust in the Lord that in His time, He will help me and I pray that it's before I fall pregnant again.  No, we are not done having kids even though we have five together that we are raising and I am now well on my way to turning 39 but I do hope have a good space between HC and the next one.  Family planning has been an area of growth for me too but I'll save that for another post.

The second part of this update is concerning my dad.  He does have bladder cancer and it is ongoing.  He has not reformed his life and still smokes to some degree which doesn't help things.  He also has developed emphezema.  This is on top of his chronic pain that he's had since his quadruple bi-pass some 12 years ago.  He is living a housebound life at the age of 63.  His quality of life is really lacking.  He recently finished chemo and had surgery and is recovering but today he was found to have an infection from the surgery and we're not sure what that's about yet.  My step mom, is good to him but busy with her work and now her mother has just suffered from a stroke leaving her also housebound.  She visits her every other day after work and on Saturdays.   My dad is in his own world which is natural for someone dealing with ongoing illness.  It is not the best situation.  With living out of state with a large family, I have limits on visiting.  I did visit last spring. I continually pray that the Lord will shower his healing Love on my dad and that he will accept and love Him in return.  It is difficult to know his spiritual state but I sense there is still work to be done and I pray in God's mercy, He will fulfill the good work he has begun in my dad. (Phillipians 1:6)

Pregnancy, parenting & The Shack

By His grace, I am getting through this period.  I say this because I'm finding that advanced pregnancy with caring for 4 kids is challenging.  I have felt fatigue since later in the 1st trimester but now it is that same fatigue but more deeply physical.  I also cannot multi-task as I usually can and hit a wall of frustration.  I'm giving myself room to not be perfect and be more needy where normally, I don't so much.  It can be difficult to feel okay with this and not to feel worried that I am falling into complacency or something.  But I have to stop those thoughts.  For me, when the baby comes, life gets easier again.  Truly it does.  I hope it holds true this time.  I haven't even had the easiest babies.  But I get myself back and with it my energy.  When I say "myself" I mean the very day or next day after birth, I feel myself again in ways that are difficult to explain.  Simple things even just because of no longer coping with pregnancy.  I get more of my personality back and verve for life.  I wish I was one of the women who love to be pregnant.  There are things I love about it and when I am not pregnant and I don't have a baby, life doesn't feel quite right.  But pregnancy is not easy for me just considering the physical aspects.  I have realized that pregnancy and parenting together at the same time is more difficult with each child.  Not only that I have a young teenager in my care who has specific needs and then the young children with their own needs.  It's hard to balance it all especially while pregnant.  It is challenging to get time to rest or just time to unwind which I need now more than ever.  The teenager wants to be up as late as me and JR and the young ones are up early enough and all may or may not nap or take a quiet time.  I'm still trying to figure out how best to find a solution where I can find better balance for me.  JR has had overtime and when not working has been building a garage.  I know this weighs in on the situation.

With all that said, I have had a surprise lately in that I picked up the book, The Shack having no idea what I was in for.   By the end of it, it really moved me and I felt it conveyed some messages I needed to hear.  It amazes me how the author was used to create such a unique work.  Somehow the book left me with the feeling of hope in a different, new way specifically in regards to our human condition.  Some of the classics I have been reading in particular, Imitation of Christ though inspiring and great to pray with, often leaves me feeling a bit of despair about this life and our quest for union with God.  The Shack somehow uplifts the reader maybe to show that God truly comes to us and we don't have to try so hard to be perfect or reach for Him.  Though one can't disregard the latter either.  I didn't agree with everything in book.  It isn't spiritual reading per say but a work of fiction but I take with me what helps me grow and know God.  Amazing truths are present in that book that reaches so many people.  I am also rereading parts that are particularly inspiring.  I will share more about specific parts if I feel led.  It was refreshing to read despite the tragedy part of the story which I hate tragedy.  It has become increasingly difficult for me to find books worth my attention.  I love historical fiction especially if based on known facts.  I like other books as well but I wont read trashy novels or ones that are too worldly in general.  I have felt God pulling me away from novels despite my love for reading.  He is truly weaning me of many things.  My life is very, very simple.  Even my mom who is now living close by and offers her help to me sees that I don't have many needs for help.  I just don't overextend our family with lots of busyness.  Plus, living in a small town there isn't so much offered.  I wish there was a bit more for the children and even for me.  My 13 year old, AJ has difficulty finding things to do.  I admit this drives me crazy.  I try to help by giving a list, in particular for the summer but he still is bored.  Today, I had to force it on him to choose something because I can allow so much hanging out and doing nothing or special privileges like movies and Xbox.  Even if he spends a portion of his time doing work or chores, I still expect him to use his spare time well.  AJ and I have different personalities.  Our dynamic is not an easy one.  I pray for an increase of love in regards to him.  I care about his well-being but I often feel frustrated by him.  Struggling with this relationship for the nine years of our marriage has not been easy on me and I know it's hard on him too and JR.  I cling to God through it all.  It keeps me humble.  And I entrust AJ to God to make up for where I lack.

Dying to self

This seems to a theme in the messages I get when praying, reading scripture of doing my spiritual reading.  I am coming to find that this will take a lifetime.  I refuse to give up though every day I am faced with my self - living strong and true rather than being dead.  I have great anticipation together with inspiration mixed with the temptation to despair that I will never overcome myself.  It all comes down to grace.  I pray for that grace to operate in me.  With advent approaching I look forward to the opportunity to give up more for God.  However, I have also been faced in the recent past with spiritual attacks against my progress during times when I attempted more.  Perhaps I should just keep going along the way God is calling me but with increased commitment to prayer so that He can be alive in me.  Prayer is the vehicle even in times of dryness.  I guess I find myself sorting through my thoughts about this struggle.   

"Help me O Lord in my trouble, for worthless is the help of man." Ps 60:13

Today, I faced temptation to speak with my SIL about a real ongoing struggle I am having with my MIL.  I decided to stop and pray first before calling.  It was my normal prayer time anyhow.  I often pray with Imitation of Christ.  I usually go in order from one lesson to the next.  But this time, it opened to a section that started with the scripture quoted in the subject heading and was entitled, "On Not Being Too Credulous Knowing How Easily We Offend in Speech."  It didn't take me long to realize that I would not be making that phone call and would instead turn the situation over to God in my time of prayer  and ask for His insight and help. This section also spoke about offering up these temptations to God and how useful it is to resist our human tendencies to the cause of Christ.  Later another scripture, Matt 10:36 is quoted: "a man's enemies are those of his own household."  This was not coincidental.  The author also cautions the reader about confiding in others and trusting them with secrets and that it is better to remain silent about situations concerning other people.  I recently read something that used the phrase, "Divine Vision."  Basically this is seeing things through God and His grace that comes in being close to Him.  This includes our own failings, the faults of others, the stuggles of life etc.  I have thought about it many times since I read about it.  It also spoke about if we are close to God, we will better see the ways to help others in their struggles and also the more we become like God, that others will see God in us and  grace will flow to others to change and be more like Him too.  As I reflect today on Divine Vision and my own struggles, I feel comforted by the hope that God will continue to work in me, that His Grace will spread to others in my life and that He will give the sight which will enable me to help those close to me.  In the meantime, I work at letting go.