Baby and family news and more

We welcomed a new precious boy, RM in January.  I wish I could say things were not complicated but he had low blood sugar and had to spend an extra couple of days in the hospital.  How I wish that weren't the case while we watched him being poked too many times.  We were sick in our house before, during and after his birth and he ended up developing RSV and possible pneumonia.  His color wasn't good and we ended up bringing him to the emergency room of our small town hospital where it became clear he needed treatment at a larger hospital and would need to be air-lifted.  This was very difficult for us and again RM had to be poked too many times.  He made a quick and strong recovery and we were able to come home after just a few days.  In between his birth and being hospitalized for being sick, I was having anxiety or panic attacks.  I had experienced anxiety and panic in the last trimester with my third daughter but it affected really only my sleep.  I was having some hints of this same thing in the last part of my pregnancy with RM too but it was not too difficult to deal with.  But his anxiety after he was born WAS difficult and it was not during the night but while I was awake during the day.  I did not feel good and after several days I called my OB and they had me come in.  I knew that I would be given some medication and though I don't like to take anything more than a mild pain killer, I was desperate for the anxiety to stop.  He put me on a low dose of Zoloft.  Within hours I felt completely back to myself.  It was quite a relief.  I couldn't continue that way another day - my whole life felt skewed.  I was agitated within and it was not really because anything anyone would do but I was just not myself.  I lost my appetite too and felt I had to cope alone which was isolating.  Jason was home a lot during that period and he barely saw me.  I don't think he realized how bad it was until after I was "back to myself" which I really hadn't been until before I was pregnant.  While pregnant, I was coping but not having anxiety but everything was a push for me.  Now I am back to myself.  We are finding a new normal with another person in our family.  I am very happy and glad to have energy again to get to projects, get outside with the kids on nicer days and exercise.  During my postpartum appointment, my OB and I decided I would only remain on the drug for a total of three months which I feel is reasonable giving time for my hormones to return to normal.

As for homeschooling, AJ has been back to public school since soon after Christmas break.  He just didn't have it in him to put the effort forth.  He depended on the idea that homeschooling would be easier than regular school.  It wasn't.  It was a challenge though I made it easier for him in ways he needed it to be - like in Biology, making it less college prep and more basic.  I was putting forth all my effort and he was not.  I have seen growth in him because of being homeschooled though.  Now that he's back to regular school, he's actually doing quite well.  But I know it's easier there.  He's hanging out with his friends again and is in robotics and metals classes which compliments his work with his grandpa getting trained in machining.  He's pretty excited about this and will be going to a competition with a team.  I feel good that I made an honest try of homeschooling him since he consistently wanted it.  I am letting go of his lack of effort which was really quite apparent and disappointing.  It cost us some money and for me, time and energy but those are the sacrifices we make for our kids even if things don't work out.  I wish it would've turned out differently. 

Spiritually, the whole episode at the birth and after with RN took its toll on me.  I have been rather dry even before that time for a few months - probably since after fall time or maybe after the election which was disappointing.  I felt burnt out.  I was really trying to reach out to others to share the truth but hearts are cold and minds are made up.  I can hope a seed or two was planted.  Regardless, I felt tired and deflated.  I was in a parish program with my mom and husband at the time.  It was beneficial but I didn't "feel" much from it.  My husband, JR had a major transformation though.  My mom too has had one in the last year.  For these, I praise God.  I told the Lord too that if I didn't feel Him for a time, I would persist and have faith and know He was there.  I am persisting.  JR and I are praying together now and sometimes as a family. I am watching him grow.  This is enough for me for the time being.  I will wait on the Lord to show Himself to me in the which ever way He may choose. 

Next month RN will be christened on the same day our oldest daughter, MT will receive her sacraments.  JR's mother is making both garments.  She also made the girls' baptism gown.  The bishop will be presiding.  It will be a special day.  Eight years ago AJ received his sacraments when MT was baptized.  Now she will be receiving them when her baby brother will be baptized. 

It was interesting to learn that the pope announced his resignation.  Presently our world waits to have a new pope elected.  I pray for the Lord's will and for guidance of our cardinals.  I continue to pray for the state our world and for our country.  I continue to have hope in the Lord's mercy. 

We're having a BOY!  Honestly, I never really knew how much hearing those words from the ultrasound tech would mean to me.  Even after losing my firstborn son shortly after birth and having four girls since.  For JR, my husband, he was moved to tears at the news and told me how much he wants this for me.  I told him how much I want this for us.  The whole family is very excited - extended family included.   Though we would have welcomed a girl, this is a special blessing for us.  I know it will be different because of the feelings that emerged in me those several short days I had with my baby boy before he left us.  There is something special in having a baby boy - different special than having a baby girl.  A few days after receiving the news, I pulled out the box of boys things I have been saving since the loss of BP.  I have never much attributed those things as being his but they are somewhat tied to him naturally.  I was amazed that as it's coming on 10 years later that many of the things are classic and not out of style and they seem new still.  The reality of what it means to have a son of my own from birth (hopefully to raise) has been coming to mind.  He will certainly have lots of little mommies.  Even AJ, my full-time stepson who will be 16 years old talks of things he will do with his brother.  I respond by telling him that the relationship will be whatever he makes of it.  :)  I also think in regards to the boy toys and activities - perhaps different than AJ.  I think of the help he will be to his dad later on.   We are just getting serious about names.  I pray we have inspiration and will feel convicted in a name together. 

Homeschooling AJ is going well.  His scores are good.  I have been pleased with most of the curriculum I picked out and it is an amazingly free feeling to have chosen the mix of it mostly on my own with some inspiration from others rather than a set curriculum or choosing an online school. The Biology text is okay to me but not so much to AJ.  So we'll probably switch into something else if we continue next year.   I even write my own tests for that since they don't provide any.  For writing, I have written a few quizzes also.  I plan to have lots of fun and creativity in Geography though I understand that many don't give that subject much emphasis.  I can see how that could happen but I personally love Geography and all of it's components including some culture.  I plan to overlap World History with World Geography and Writing.  AJ is a good kid though in some ways he is the typical teenager in ways I wish he wasn't.  He has some strong negativity which I hope to help him with if I can.  This includes being negative about many small things.  He is often a good deal negative with his sisters though not always.  I know this is normal.  I just wish he could see that it doesn't have to be that way.  Thankfully, he's busy between working for Grandpa in the mornings and homeschooling in the afternoon.  But this negativity can come through in his attitude about his school work.  I don't appreciate it but I feel more concerned than affected I guess.  I pray for him and I plan to give him some tools though I don't claim to be much capable.  I pray the Lord will lead me and one tool I am starting to use tomorrow is giving AJ a weekly Scripture verse which I'll incorporate into his school work that week.  As I have mentioned before, there is great power in Scripture - after all it is the two-edged sword.   Plus there are great messages of truth and offer of healing.  I sense with AJ that though he has some strong moral and religious convictions about life, society and the Catholic or Christian faith, he lacks a personal relationship.  We could do more to cultivate it in our home but Jason and I bring in faith into life lessons which come up a lot and JR's story of his experience of Jesus is powerful.  I try to set an example.  AJ prefers many secular distractions and even currently rejects more Christian ones.  I guess when I was his age, I already had my conversion experience.  With JR, not so much yet but some foundation was laid.  I pray that foundation for true conversion is there and will take hold in AJ.  

Blessings

Pregnancy for me is never very easy though I have heard many stories of others who've had it much worse.  Still, I have had increased nausea and vomiting in the last week, regular headaches and fatigue.  I wonder how I'll ever get to some of my tasks.  Then after a rather rough day which included all of the above symptoms, I had a burst of energy.  The problem with this is that it was at 9:00 PM.  What am I going to get done at that time of day???  Actually, I was putting my girls down a little late and had a good amount of fun with them at bedtime.   Lately with all my symptoms, bedtime has been yet another task and it makes me sad that life is like that right now most of the time.  I decided I would simply enjoy feeling good once I said my goodnights and gave kisses, noses and hugs all around.  When I have had other energy bursts, I have gone for walks or really got a lot done around here.  It feels good. I thank God for those times of reprieve.  Ever since my first pregnancy I have said that I wish I could just hibernate for nine months - I'm halfway serious about this though I know that I really don't want this since I have children to raise.  I'm thankful that these symptoms lift when the babies are born.  The next day after giving birth, I feel "back to myself."  I almost forget what it feels like to be "me" during all those months.  It is actually easier for me once the babies are born. :)

Since my post last week, tensions have been lighter around here.  God is good like that not to allow things to be burdensome for too long.  I had to think why there was a change and it was actually - no surprise here - communication.  Naturally, an opportunity to parent arose that brought this out between me and AJ and then my husband, JR became involved.  Communication is key to easing tensions.  I have to remember this.  I don't mean nagging either - that's different.  I need to remember to not only pray in the midst of difficult situations which I was doing, but also pray for the divine opportunity for communication and healing. We'll see how the weekend goes.  :)

This week, I have been occupied with watching the Republican National Convention.  I continue to have hopes that our current president will be out of job after this election.  I also continue to have some reservations about Romney but I hope in him and continue to pray for God's mercy on our country.  I had to remind myself that as much as I watch politics, I need to be praying continuously.  At Bible Study, my mom pointed out that Billy Graham is calling the faithful of this country to fast for 40 days up to the election.  This would begin something like September 27th.  Though I am not in a position to fast, I am willing to give up something(s) and to make prayer commitments.  Perhaps others will join in this.  Fasting is a powerful means for the Lord to work and we cannot underestimate it.  It can be easy to forget in the culture we live which only reminds us from every angle of each and every last way of how to gratify ourselves. 

Transitions

Since my last post too many weeks ago now, I have become pregnant for the 7th time.  Currently I am 16 weeks and have felt the usual fatigue and nausea though it is starting to abate now that I'm into my second trimester.  We are praying for a healthy baby and with all the girls we have together, it will be interesting to see what gender the baby is at my next appointment.  I have had to get used to being pregnant more so than with any of the others though I knew we would likely have another, it happened a touch sooner than I was prepared for.  I had hoped to find greater success with weight loss to have a better time with the pregnancy and possibly avoid gestational diabetes this time.  But I only made a dent and now have had to let it go for the most part though I am being more disciplined about my diet and testing my blood.  My husband, JR had been more than ready for me to become pregnant again and in all actuality this baby and HC will be the largest spread we have had with our children with 2.5 years apart.  HC just turned 2 and she is turning into a little kid though still so sweet and good natured.  I am savoring this pregnancy in case it's my last.  I will be forty about the time the baby comes.  It would be nice to move forward and focus on the children I have but I know another baby is possible since we will not get in the way of God.  I do plan to use the Fertility Monitor and charting (FAM) to avoid pregnancy.  I have two close college friends (both also from Franciscan University) who are also pregnant right now - each with their 9th pregnancy though each also suffered a miscarriage.  I have other peers who are having babies still and so I feel I have others around me who are in my situation having children into their late 30s and even early 40s.  

Besides this, I am also committed to homeschooling my full-time stepson, AJ who is 15 and entering 10th grade.  I never thought I would homeschool him.  I say this because he is the only one in our family in his age group, he is very social, he can be negative with his sisters (can be normal for his age) and because of our dynamic issue.  This last one is complicated but obviously the Lord has been doing great work.  AJ has been asking to be homeschooled and I see that the local school is not challenging him.  He got all As and Bs last term and he never had homework and he has learning challenges!  I first thought I might slide into public schooling at home but in looking at the wealth of curriculum choices out there, I became inspired to go my own way and will be doing the traditional homeschooling.  He has been working for grandpa at his business in town which offers him skilled training.  He'll be busy with that.  Our town is small enough too that he easily hooks up with his buddies.  I pray for the Lord's help in this for both of us and for his Grace.  

Having a teenager in our home mixed with little kids holds it's own challenges.  It is nice for quick babysitting needs and some help with household things.  But he is up later and I feel like my evening time is not my own anymore.  Also this age for him holds many lessons and takes much time and energy.  When he comes home from work or there's something with a friend and he shares about it, it seems there is always some kind of lesson in response which can include offering a shift in perspective.  We're fortunate AJ is so communicative.  He likes to be around the family rather than holing up in his room like most kids his age.  But again he requires his own care - though different from the little ones but still care.

In reading Consoling the Heart of Jesus I have tried to embrace humility and service.  I am working at letting go for peace within my heart and entrusting my cares and family to the Lord.  I know He can take care of any needs.  

I know I'm jumping around here a bit, but I continue to follow politics and hope and pray for God's mercy on our country.  I pray that truth can reign and we can have a new administration for the next term.  Honestly though, I have reservations about Romney but I have hope that they will not hold water if he's elected.  I do not want to see the current administration have four more years to continue to increase the deficit at such an alarming rate and take powers that is not theirs to make unilateral executive decisions.  I hold onto hope.  True hope - not the false hope promised four years ago.  

Pregnancy, parenting & The Shack

By His grace, I am getting through this period.  I say this because I'm finding that advanced pregnancy with caring for 4 kids is challenging.  I have felt fatigue since later in the 1st trimester but now it is that same fatigue but more deeply physical.  I also cannot multi-task as I usually can and hit a wall of frustration.  I'm giving myself room to not be perfect and be more needy where normally, I don't so much.  It can be difficult to feel okay with this and not to feel worried that I am falling into complacency or something.  But I have to stop those thoughts.  For me, when the baby comes, life gets easier again.  Truly it does.  I hope it holds true this time.  I haven't even had the easiest babies.  But I get myself back and with it my energy.  When I say "myself" I mean the very day or next day after birth, I feel myself again in ways that are difficult to explain.  Simple things even just because of no longer coping with pregnancy.  I get more of my personality back and verve for life.  I wish I was one of the women who love to be pregnant.  There are things I love about it and when I am not pregnant and I don't have a baby, life doesn't feel quite right.  But pregnancy is not easy for me just considering the physical aspects.  I have realized that pregnancy and parenting together at the same time is more difficult with each child.  Not only that I have a young teenager in my care who has specific needs and then the young children with their own needs.  It's hard to balance it all especially while pregnant.  It is challenging to get time to rest or just time to unwind which I need now more than ever.  The teenager wants to be up as late as me and JR and the young ones are up early enough and all may or may not nap or take a quiet time.  I'm still trying to figure out how best to find a solution where I can find better balance for me.  JR has had overtime and when not working has been building a garage.  I know this weighs in on the situation.

With all that said, I have had a surprise lately in that I picked up the book, The Shack having no idea what I was in for.   By the end of it, it really moved me and I felt it conveyed some messages I needed to hear.  It amazes me how the author was used to create such a unique work.  Somehow the book left me with the feeling of hope in a different, new way specifically in regards to our human condition.  Some of the classics I have been reading in particular, Imitation of Christ though inspiring and great to pray with, often leaves me feeling a bit of despair about this life and our quest for union with God.  The Shack somehow uplifts the reader maybe to show that God truly comes to us and we don't have to try so hard to be perfect or reach for Him.  Though one can't disregard the latter either.  I didn't agree with everything in book.  It isn't spiritual reading per say but a work of fiction but I take with me what helps me grow and know God.  Amazing truths are present in that book that reaches so many people.  I am also rereading parts that are particularly inspiring.  I will share more about specific parts if I feel led.  It was refreshing to read despite the tragedy part of the story which I hate tragedy.  It has become increasingly difficult for me to find books worth my attention.  I love historical fiction especially if based on known facts.  I like other books as well but I wont read trashy novels or ones that are too worldly in general.  I have felt God pulling me away from novels despite my love for reading.  He is truly weaning me of many things.  My life is very, very simple.  Even my mom who is now living close by and offers her help to me sees that I don't have many needs for help.  I just don't overextend our family with lots of busyness.  Plus, living in a small town there isn't so much offered.  I wish there was a bit more for the children and even for me.  My 13 year old, AJ has difficulty finding things to do.  I admit this drives me crazy.  I try to help by giving a list, in particular for the summer but he still is bored.  Today, I had to force it on him to choose something because I can allow so much hanging out and doing nothing or special privileges like movies and Xbox.  Even if he spends a portion of his time doing work or chores, I still expect him to use his spare time well.  AJ and I have different personalities.  Our dynamic is not an easy one.  I pray for an increase of love in regards to him.  I care about his well-being but I often feel frustrated by him.  Struggling with this relationship for the nine years of our marriage has not been easy on me and I know it's hard on him too and JR.  I cling to God through it all.  It keeps me humble.  And I entrust AJ to God to make up for where I lack.

Girls, girls, girls and girls

Last week at my 20 week appointment, the ultrasound showed we were having a girl - another girl!  I have since become used the reality that I am a momma to all these girls!  What does God have in mind?  Well, so far I have come to see that my job preparing my children for their Christian adult life will be easier when the majority of them are girls.  AJ, my stepson is more than half raised and I am learning the joys and challenges of preparing a son for Christian adulthood.  Is it just me, or are boys more inclined to media?  I will find out in the years ahead though honestly I feel that I will have more opportunity to form my girls since I've had them from birth and also my role as their primary role model will make a difference.  (Though I am not saying anything about JR and his role here.) Oh, and homeschooling will be a big difference.  So many say to me that I will have my hands full when the girls are adolescent age (as Aidan is now with being 13.)  But I feel that homeschooling will reduce the drama and I pray that the relationships between me and them will be loving, respectful and solid.  I believe the relationships really could be all that.  I have been blessed with such a wonderful connection with all my girls...my heart overflows. 
With this news of another girl and considering my advancing maternal age (now 37) I am unsure if we will have more children.  In my heart, I still want to be open to having that boy of my own and to God's hand in creating life.  Never, will I do anything artificial to prevent...  But I am unclear of what my hearts' desire is.  And that's okay right now.  After all, I'm halfway through my current pregnancy and I don't have to decide.  JR would be open either way and I guess I am too.  Thinking about raising a household of girls is a special blessing.  I have much to share with them all and I pray for the grace and energy to be all that I need to be for them. 

Pregnancy and my dad

I have found that I have been more fatigued these last weeks than ever before in any of my pregnancies so that is the main reason for my quietness here.  Suddenly, I feel myself again which is amazing.  I have been doing my best to keep up with the duties of life but some projects have had to go a bit slower.  I had my first doctor appointment yesterday and the baby looks good.  I saw my baby moving around quite a bit though it is quite little still being that I am only not even 12 weeks yet. 

Late last week, my dad told me he has bladder cancer.  He has had failing health for about a decade though he's only now in his early sixties.  It all started with a heart attack and a quad bypass.  He never healed correctly and so he has been living in chronic pain and was forced to retire early and receive disability.  All of this has caused him anxiety and depression.  He has not improved his habits.  He has smoked all his life and continues to eat poorly.  Despite his issues, we have a loving relationship and he adores his grandchildren and they love him.  They are the light of his life.  JR and him have a special way of relating too and have affection and care for one another.  This new diagnosis is something very different though when I researched I found that the top cause is smoking which saddens me.  Next week, he has a biopsy.  I feel scared and conflicted.  In my human self, I would like to see this be nothing serious at all though he has had blood in his urine since November!  My spiritual self sees the possible value in the situation being complicated because my dad has many unresolved issues and he would maybe face them and turn to God.  He tends to keep God at arms length from what I can tell.  Additionally, I have been afraid of when he would die suddenly of another heart attack and that he would not be made ready or not come "see" God.  If faced with illness instead, there would be time to prepare and it could be a great mercy.  I leave him to the hands of God though it is one of the hardest things I've had to do.  As I approach Lent, I feel led to offer up my sacrifices specifically for my dad that he would have Grace to be weaned from himself.  We all need this.  I am no exception and I pray that Lent will help to do the same.  I feel God's presence since I have heard the news and I feel comforted.

Blessed Christmas

Just as I sat to write, I saw five deer come across my line of site as they scampered down the street.  Even though we live in town, we are on the edge of town and so we often see deer and sometimes wild turkeys. On Sunday, The Feast of the Holy Family, we discovered that we were blessed with a new life - I'm pregnant.  This is my sixth pregnancy in seven years!  It was a little earlier than we would've have planned but life is a miracle that I will never take for granted and we wanted more children.  I recently read in the catechism the churches stand on family planning and I understand to read that a couple should never be "done" have children except for very good reasons.  I suppose having more kids than one could handle or provide for could be considered a good reason however I think it's important not to stretch this for one's convenience.  At the same time, I wonder if I will even get the family planning thing down or if I will be having children all the way up until menopause.  I have had some adjustment to do (I'm still adjusting) to the idea of having another baby which will bring me once again this summer to having three children 3 1/2 and under though they will all be a bit older and I will have one other (MT) that will be 5 1/2.  I wonder if I will attempt going places or having the older children in activities next fall.  When I found out I was pregnant with JM (she is now almost 18 months) I wondered how I would do anything then but I found a way and I didn't do too much.  The Lord has already been calling me to a family/home centered life for me and my children and maybe He is taking me another step into the simpler life - one that is not full of any or all of the "stuff" and "fluff."  I have been thoughtful and a little melancholic, I will admit.  But I also have joy.  Could the mixed emotions have something to do with hormones or just the meaning of this new life to all of us?  I haven't shared this news with my family yet which is really unlike me.  I have only shared with two friends who are not much connected to anyone.  It's ironic that I'm pregnant now because my project was just getting wrapped up -- and I will reveal now that is is a book about pregnancy for parents based on my own experiences -- and I guess I will have something to add with the happenings of this pregnancy.  If all goes well (and I find I have to say this after loss) I will be the mom to many children and it changes my identity a bit.  I wanted this identity but I wasn't quite there yet -- now, I guess I have to be and God will show me how to do it.  I have to learn better how to do it all.  I pray for grace.  I pray for this little soul.  Ofcourse, I long for a son but my focus is on a healthy baby and either gender is just fine.  So I pray for a healthy pregnancy for the baby and for me as the mom.  I need help from God for improved health and I'm sure any improvement will positively affect the pregnancy.  I have been exercising regularly and I don't want to stop.  I also hope to purify my diet with more whole foods.  I don't want to experience that panic and anxiety again and more than that, a pregnancy loss.  I lift it all up to the Lord who is the giver of all things.