Temptation entering Holy Week

As shared in the previous post, I have experienced some graces and help during this Lent.  In fact, this has been one of the better Lents.  It is due to being committed to daily prayer, monthly Adoration on First Saturday, beginning Lent with Mass on Ash Wednesday and confession the following Wednesday and also finishing up an in-depth Bible Study on Jesus which has much personal application.  Additionally, I have been reading the book Consoling the Heart of Jesus: A Do-It-Yourself Retreat by Fr Michael Gaitley MIC since the onset of Lent.  This book is amazing and life changing and so down to earth as it is written for "little souls" as the author calls them.  This all sounds like a nice "laundry list" of good, essential things to do to have a good Lent.  But the reality is that despite this, these weeks have been still mixed with failings like the one mentioned last post.  Since then Grace has helped me in this specific area and I feel strength through your prayers.  But there are other failings.  I have come to realize that I am not making progress in the area that burdens me about my health, weight loss and hope for a better future pregnancy for me and the baby.  I am tempted to despair over my failings despite the grace to make better choices daily.  I still fail including to fully give up some things that I chose to give up for Lent.  But as the book above teaches, it is precisely at these times that we need to climb into the arms of Jesus.  This consoles Him rather than us hiding in shame.  He in turn offers us consolation, peace and help.  The fact is, we are sinners and will always sin no matter how close to Christ we may be.  We cannot give in to the temptation to despair.  So I pull myself up to make that climb but then remember what St Therese says about the elevator being Jesus and that we don't have to make that tough climb so instead I let him take me there to Himself.  

So what can this mean for this last, most Holy Week of Lent?  Maybe just in realizing more fully my dependence on Him, I will call on His Holy Name as I strive to do more for Him.  I will call to mind His Most Holy Face in the image of the Divine Mercy and say those words, I trust in You and allow Him to fill me with His Peace so that Love will flow between us. It is there that joy is found according to Father Gaitley.  

I am not even finished with the book yet but it's having a profound effect.  My husband has read a bit of the book too and has received some great insight and help.  This week I aim to forget myself and my sins and look to Christ and His great Love, Sacrifice and Victory!  Praise Him!

Trials and Grace

This Lent has been both incredibly blessed so far while at the same time there have been some emerging trials - almost brewing under the surface.  The main part of this trial is long standing though it can come in varying degrees and then go and come back.  It has to do with dynamics in the home and unresolved issues about what it means to have family time and how to use spare time.  I would guess many relate to this to some degree.  I can only imagine the peace that would come with a firm understanding among family members on this issue.  I know some households have achieved this.  I would think it comes with communication and commitment.  Though my husband, JR and I are fortunate to be "equally yoked" we are not always at the same place at the same time.  Right  now, he wants to hang on to some of the superficial things in life more than I do.  I don't mind these things but in smaller doses though.  The hard part is his 15 year old son AJ, my stepson who lives with us follows suit with his dad whenever they're home together.  This can wear on my spirit.  But after some mounting tension and then conflict over the weekend and feeling broken about things, the Lord showed me to have greater tolerance during this season of life.  That's right, it is just a season.  Perhaps we will have more ability to come to an agreement about things for our family and our son and how time is spent but until then, I need to struggle through those irritating times and either draw the line or have tolerance.  I have tended to isolate myself and do my own thing during these times.  JR has noticed this and has felt his own tension rising towards me as a result.  So I also feel that I need to try to be present and perhaps affect change that way (hopefully in a positive way) rather than doing what I have been doing.  The tension steals my joy and it breaks my heart to think that the whole thing and myself included contributes to disharmony and hurt in the home.  Unfortunately, how AJ spends his time has been an issue for me since we have been a family.  He has no sibling in his age range to play with though he does pretty great with his sisters.  He is sometimes bossy and says things that are inappropriate but that can be very normal.  I have tried through the years especially when J was on the road for his job and I was home alone with him to have game night and to invite friends over for him to play with.  But that can only do so much.  He has not been into sports though he did go out for football this last fall.  Because of his personality and his trouble in being productive in play or activity, it has caused tension in me through the years and I am sure it has burdened him too which breaks my heart.  I have been crying out to God to help me overcome this tension - to love better.  It is so hard.  In the early years, I was depressed about it.  It was difficult seeing my own powerlessness.  I had to choose love day after day.  I care so much about AJ's well being.  In that way, I am a good mom and I give him a spiritual foundation and try to offer him a balanced life.  I know he appreciates and we have come a long way.  In fact, I am committed to homeschooling him next year unless there is a huge change for him at high school.  I would have never thought this would happen because he is so social and he needs something outside of the home to fill that need.  But highschool is not a positive experience for him.  He wants me to homeschool him and has for some time.  I told him I would if he had something else, like a job or sports.  I dont want him to be bored here at home and have no interaction with others.  But I think that it could work out if he has something else.  I feel optimistic and that says a lot considering our history.  So God is obviously doing some great things.  I enjoy him, he's a good, handsome boy who's coming into manhood.  I need to tell him more that I'm proud of him and that I love him.  I fail at this and again, this breaks my heart but I know today it can change and improve with God's grace.  If anyone has comments about this or insight or suggestions, please feel free to email me.  I may post it to the site if I feel so led and if I obtain your permission. I do ask for prayers. On a side note, there have been many ways the Lord has been working and I will share more in my next post.  Praise Him!

The Lord's mercy and help

I realized yesterday that it has been awhile again since I last posted.  Honestly, life with five kids makes me forgetful.  Somehow, I manage to not forget for long and keep up with what is going on around here but I am less able to be thinking of everything so thoroughly and things come up and surprise me more.  Then I thank God and my Guardian Angel that I didn't forget all-together!  I used to be so good at this and keep up with everything better.  But it gets done - whatever it is and I don't ever really miss things but I'm sure my time with come just because I am human, after all.  

I continue to follow the politics of things and praying for our country especially with the recent Mandate.  I pray for the Lord's mercy on our country and that perhaps things can get better before they get worse.  Many around me think more in terms of the latter.  It's good to be prepared just in case and be watchful for signs that things are about to change dramatically.  Mainly, I mean the economy but any kind of oppressive change.  Mostly, I pray but I am watching.  My husband is feeling the burden to prepare.  Though he hasn't yet. 

I have been praying for grace this Lent to die to myself in ways that are hurting me and even my relationship with the Lord.  I need to lose weight - about 80 lbs , not for vanity sake but so I can be healthier especially for when I get pregnant again.  I do not want to deal with gestational diabetes and see ill effects in my baby.  With the Lord's help, I can do it.  Plus He wants me to let go of habits that contribute to the problem.  So far this Lent, it has been different for me.  I feel His help.  The time is now and I want to do it for Him not just for me or anyone else.  

Pregnancy and my dad

I have found that I have been more fatigued these last weeks than ever before in any of my pregnancies so that is the main reason for my quietness here.  Suddenly, I feel myself again which is amazing.  I have been doing my best to keep up with the duties of life but some projects have had to go a bit slower.  I had my first doctor appointment yesterday and the baby looks good.  I saw my baby moving around quite a bit though it is quite little still being that I am only not even 12 weeks yet. 

Late last week, my dad told me he has bladder cancer.  He has had failing health for about a decade though he's only now in his early sixties.  It all started with a heart attack and a quad bypass.  He never healed correctly and so he has been living in chronic pain and was forced to retire early and receive disability.  All of this has caused him anxiety and depression.  He has not improved his habits.  He has smoked all his life and continues to eat poorly.  Despite his issues, we have a loving relationship and he adores his grandchildren and they love him.  They are the light of his life.  JR and him have a special way of relating too and have affection and care for one another.  This new diagnosis is something very different though when I researched I found that the top cause is smoking which saddens me.  Next week, he has a biopsy.  I feel scared and conflicted.  In my human self, I would like to see this be nothing serious at all though he has had blood in his urine since November!  My spiritual self sees the possible value in the situation being complicated because my dad has many unresolved issues and he would maybe face them and turn to God.  He tends to keep God at arms length from what I can tell.  Additionally, I have been afraid of when he would die suddenly of another heart attack and that he would not be made ready or not come "see" God.  If faced with illness instead, there would be time to prepare and it could be a great mercy.  I leave him to the hands of God though it is one of the hardest things I've had to do.  As I approach Lent, I feel led to offer up my sacrifices specifically for my dad that he would have Grace to be weaned from himself.  We all need this.  I am no exception and I pray that Lent will help to do the same.  I feel God's presence since I have heard the news and I feel comforted.