The Lord is kind and merciful

The psalm has been going around in my head and I feel as if I've been floating because I just received news that the tumors (which were already removed a few days ago) were non-cancerous.  It's that simple - there is no cancer.  So, my dad is given a second chance at life though I know he is exhausted from his surgery and hospital stay and even from his chronic pain situation.  But I pray that he wakes up and realizes what he's been given and that he can make a difference in his own quality of life.

My brother, quickly tied the news to my dream I had a few weeks back when I really felt a lot of feelings deep down that this is gonna be it.  I had begun grieving (already.)  I prayed too mainly for God's mercy in whatever form.  Then in the night, I had this dream that the test came back that the cancer was only in the bladder not beyond to the bladder wall or anywhere and that it would be a simple solution (which if it is only in the bladder, the solution would be simple.)  Then just before I woke up, I was looking at the faces of all my children and I saw a boy and I wondered who it was but then knew it was BP and I saw him as he would be now almost 7 with lighter hair than the rest of mine and with dark rimmed blue eyes with some yellow tinges.  He said to me, "I'm 4 + 3."  That's all.  When I woke up and realized what I dreamed, both dreams were a gift to me.  I have never dreamed of BP before - ever!  If he were alive he would be learning math and telling me about being 4 + 3 because it so like kids (my living children included) to talk about the age they will be next.  I felt the dream told me that I should "settle down" and let things unfold without too much projection about what I think/feel is going to happen.  I felt renewed hope that the tests could come back not so serious.  I felt BP's presence in my dream was also a reassurance on that.  But I realized anything could happen and I focused on letting go.    My brother told dad the same about how amazing it is that the dream came true and that they both had tingles.  I know I do and I'm praising God as is right to do!  No one could have expected such good news! 

Blessings and crosses

There are moments that come very often where I am overwhelmed with love for my girls.  I feel so blessed to be their mother.  Though they are all young now about 20 months to just over 5 years old, they are such good girls and play so well.  Some of the moms I talk to in my circles seem to struggle in their role as mother.  In some cases, the children, though loved and quite normal, are difficult and fight with their siblings.  This seems to be the norm.  I feel like I can never tell others that I just don't have those issues with my children and that I don't really stuggle as a mom and that I don't relate.  Even parenting articles in magazines and elsewhere seem to focus on the challenges.  I wonder sometimes if I have been so blessed because I suffered so much in my early losses of my babies but then I know that even with that suffering, it doesn't make me more deserving.  It's such a strange dichotomy because my experience parenting my stepson has been really a challenge.  He is a good kid and I really mean it.  But we are opposite in many ways and that brings out my worst at times whether I act on it or not or just feel it or think it.  This situation is my cross to bear, I have come to find.  How can motherhood be such a climatic experience of my life while at the same time be something that has been the hardest on my self esteem - I face my failings every day in regards to AJ.  It certainly keeps me humble.  There is love though and deep care and concern for his well-being and future.  My challenge is to show him with affection and conversation.  He is very social and is still receptive to hugs and such at 13.  It's easy for me to show my love other ways but it's not enough without being soft and loving and without more quality time.  This has actually been a lenten hope of mine to be more of this - even long before lent really.  But especially during lent.  Prayer helps - there is no question about it.

There is still a question of my dad's situation.  His biopsy was delayed which causes me additional concern.  But it's rescheduled for Tuesday.  The Lord has been my comfort.  At one point, I began grieving (already.)  I prayed too mainly for God's mercy in whatever form.  Then one night, I had this dream that the test came back that the cancer was only in the bladder not beyond to the bladder wall or anywhere and that it would be a simple solution (which if it is only in the bladder, the solution would be simple.)  Then just before I woke up, I was looking at the faces of all my children and I saw a boy and I wondered who it was but then knew it was BP and I saw him as he would be now almost 7 with lighter hair than the rest of mine and with dark rimmed blue eyes with some yellow tinges.  He said to me, "I'm 4 + 3."  That's all.  When I woke up and realized what I dreamed, both dreams were a gift to me.  I have never dreamed of BP before - ever!  I have never seen him in my dreams ever.   If he were alive he would be learning math and tell me about being 4 + 3 because it so like kids (my living children included) to talk about the age they will be next.  I felt the dream told me that I should "settle down" and let things unfold without too much projection about what I think/feel is going to happen.  I feel renewed hope that the tests could come back not so serious.  I feel BP's presence in my dream was also a reassurance on that.  But I realize anything could happen and I am not to put so much weight on the actual outcome but on my feelings at present and letting go.

Pregnancy and my dad

I have found that I have been more fatigued these last weeks than ever before in any of my pregnancies so that is the main reason for my quietness here.  Suddenly, I feel myself again which is amazing.  I have been doing my best to keep up with the duties of life but some projects have had to go a bit slower.  I had my first doctor appointment yesterday and the baby looks good.  I saw my baby moving around quite a bit though it is quite little still being that I am only not even 12 weeks yet. 

Late last week, my dad told me he has bladder cancer.  He has had failing health for about a decade though he's only now in his early sixties.  It all started with a heart attack and a quad bypass.  He never healed correctly and so he has been living in chronic pain and was forced to retire early and receive disability.  All of this has caused him anxiety and depression.  He has not improved his habits.  He has smoked all his life and continues to eat poorly.  Despite his issues, we have a loving relationship and he adores his grandchildren and they love him.  They are the light of his life.  JR and him have a special way of relating too and have affection and care for one another.  This new diagnosis is something very different though when I researched I found that the top cause is smoking which saddens me.  Next week, he has a biopsy.  I feel scared and conflicted.  In my human self, I would like to see this be nothing serious at all though he has had blood in his urine since November!  My spiritual self sees the possible value in the situation being complicated because my dad has many unresolved issues and he would maybe face them and turn to God.  He tends to keep God at arms length from what I can tell.  Additionally, I have been afraid of when he would die suddenly of another heart attack and that he would not be made ready or not come "see" God.  If faced with illness instead, there would be time to prepare and it could be a great mercy.  I leave him to the hands of God though it is one of the hardest things I've had to do.  As I approach Lent, I feel led to offer up my sacrifices specifically for my dad that he would have Grace to be weaned from himself.  We all need this.  I am no exception and I pray that Lent will help to do the same.  I feel God's presence since I have heard the news and I feel comforted.

Blessed Christmas

Just as I sat to write, I saw five deer come across my line of site as they scampered down the street.  Even though we live in town, we are on the edge of town and so we often see deer and sometimes wild turkeys. On Sunday, The Feast of the Holy Family, we discovered that we were blessed with a new life - I'm pregnant.  This is my sixth pregnancy in seven years!  It was a little earlier than we would've have planned but life is a miracle that I will never take for granted and we wanted more children.  I recently read in the catechism the churches stand on family planning and I understand to read that a couple should never be "done" have children except for very good reasons.  I suppose having more kids than one could handle or provide for could be considered a good reason however I think it's important not to stretch this for one's convenience.  At the same time, I wonder if I will even get the family planning thing down or if I will be having children all the way up until menopause.  I have had some adjustment to do (I'm still adjusting) to the idea of having another baby which will bring me once again this summer to having three children 3 1/2 and under though they will all be a bit older and I will have one other (MT) that will be 5 1/2.  I wonder if I will attempt going places or having the older children in activities next fall.  When I found out I was pregnant with JM (she is now almost 18 months) I wondered how I would do anything then but I found a way and I didn't do too much.  The Lord has already been calling me to a family/home centered life for me and my children and maybe He is taking me another step into the simpler life - one that is not full of any or all of the "stuff" and "fluff."  I have been thoughtful and a little melancholic, I will admit.  But I also have joy.  Could the mixed emotions have something to do with hormones or just the meaning of this new life to all of us?  I haven't shared this news with my family yet which is really unlike me.  I have only shared with two friends who are not much connected to anyone.  It's ironic that I'm pregnant now because my project was just getting wrapped up -- and I will reveal now that is is a book about pregnancy for parents based on my own experiences -- and I guess I will have something to add with the happenings of this pregnancy.  If all goes well (and I find I have to say this after loss) I will be the mom to many children and it changes my identity a bit.  I wanted this identity but I wasn't quite there yet -- now, I guess I have to be and God will show me how to do it.  I have to learn better how to do it all.  I pray for grace.  I pray for this little soul.  Ofcourse, I long for a son but my focus is on a healthy baby and either gender is just fine.  So I pray for a healthy pregnancy for the baby and for me as the mom.  I need help from God for improved health and I'm sure any improvement will positively affect the pregnancy.  I have been exercising regularly and I don't want to stop.  I also hope to purify my diet with more whole foods.  I don't want to experience that panic and anxiety again and more than that, a pregnancy loss.  I lift it all up to the Lord who is the giver of all things.

Reflection on Heaven

I have come to have great hope through losing my son, BP and my Baby H, that heaven will more than make up for what is lost in any relationship.  Though I think, that heaven is more about God than about any relationships among the communion of the saints, but is that true really?  It is a mystery.  Somehow it is about God in His fullness and about relationships among the communion of saints in its fullness too which the latter is only because of God anyhow.  Love, Love, Love.  All Love comes from God and in heaven all will be clear and Love will flow without obstruction of sin, of time or of space.  These things bring me peace and all will be revealed once I pass through this veil that sometimes drives me crazy!  This world is for the insane and the "king of confusion" does his best to make that happen.  By the Grace of God, we see clearly and fall away from the risk of insanity and life can be meaningful and at times, beautiful. 

Practical musings

As a mother of four, it can be challenging to balance the duties of life with the care of my children.  I am preparing to homeschool the little ones as they get older.  My oldest daughter, Milena who is almost 5 is learning her letter sounds.  My son, Aidan is in public school but needs extra attention daily after school with his homework and to study.  I am considering homeschooling him in the future but I want to make choices that make sense for him, our relationship and for the family as a whole.  At present, I am working at finishing a book I'm writing.  I have some other things that keep me busy too with my volunteer work.  It's all about balance.  Finding time to pray is critical to not losing my mind sometimes.  It awes me how God has helped me.  I pray that He will stretch my time so that I can get everything accomplished.  I love my children and enjoy them and feel so blessed.

Dying to self

This seems to a theme in the messages I get when praying, reading scripture of doing my spiritual reading.  I am coming to find that this will take a lifetime.  I refuse to give up though every day I am faced with my self - living strong and true rather than being dead.  I have great anticipation together with inspiration mixed with the temptation to despair that I will never overcome myself.  It all comes down to grace.  I pray for that grace to operate in me.  With advent approaching I look forward to the opportunity to give up more for God.  However, I have also been faced in the recent past with spiritual attacks against my progress during times when I attempted more.  Perhaps I should just keep going along the way God is calling me but with increased commitment to prayer so that He can be alive in me.  Prayer is the vehicle even in times of dryness.  I guess I find myself sorting through my thoughts about this struggle.