Pregnancy and my dad

I have found that I have been more fatigued these last weeks than ever before in any of my pregnancies so that is the main reason for my quietness here.  Suddenly, I feel myself again which is amazing.  I have been doing my best to keep up with the duties of life but some projects have had to go a bit slower.  I had my first doctor appointment yesterday and the baby looks good.  I saw my baby moving around quite a bit though it is quite little still being that I am only not even 12 weeks yet. 

Late last week, my dad told me he has bladder cancer.  He has had failing health for about a decade though he's only now in his early sixties.  It all started with a heart attack and a quad bypass.  He never healed correctly and so he has been living in chronic pain and was forced to retire early and receive disability.  All of this has caused him anxiety and depression.  He has not improved his habits.  He has smoked all his life and continues to eat poorly.  Despite his issues, we have a loving relationship and he adores his grandchildren and they love him.  They are the light of his life.  JR and him have a special way of relating too and have affection and care for one another.  This new diagnosis is something very different though when I researched I found that the top cause is smoking which saddens me.  Next week, he has a biopsy.  I feel scared and conflicted.  In my human self, I would like to see this be nothing serious at all though he has had blood in his urine since November!  My spiritual self sees the possible value in the situation being complicated because my dad has many unresolved issues and he would maybe face them and turn to God.  He tends to keep God at arms length from what I can tell.  Additionally, I have been afraid of when he would die suddenly of another heart attack and that he would not be made ready or not come "see" God.  If faced with illness instead, there would be time to prepare and it could be a great mercy.  I leave him to the hands of God though it is one of the hardest things I've had to do.  As I approach Lent, I feel led to offer up my sacrifices specifically for my dad that he would have Grace to be weaned from himself.  We all need this.  I am no exception and I pray that Lent will help to do the same.  I feel God's presence since I have heard the news and I feel comforted.

Blessed Christmas

Just as I sat to write, I saw five deer come across my line of site as they scampered down the street.  Even though we live in town, we are on the edge of town and so we often see deer and sometimes wild turkeys. On Sunday, The Feast of the Holy Family, we discovered that we were blessed with a new life - I'm pregnant.  This is my sixth pregnancy in seven years!  It was a little earlier than we would've have planned but life is a miracle that I will never take for granted and we wanted more children.  I recently read in the catechism the churches stand on family planning and I understand to read that a couple should never be "done" have children except for very good reasons.  I suppose having more kids than one could handle or provide for could be considered a good reason however I think it's important not to stretch this for one's convenience.  At the same time, I wonder if I will even get the family planning thing down or if I will be having children all the way up until menopause.  I have had some adjustment to do (I'm still adjusting) to the idea of having another baby which will bring me once again this summer to having three children 3 1/2 and under though they will all be a bit older and I will have one other (MT) that will be 5 1/2.  I wonder if I will attempt going places or having the older children in activities next fall.  When I found out I was pregnant with JM (she is now almost 18 months) I wondered how I would do anything then but I found a way and I didn't do too much.  The Lord has already been calling me to a family/home centered life for me and my children and maybe He is taking me another step into the simpler life - one that is not full of any or all of the "stuff" and "fluff."  I have been thoughtful and a little melancholic, I will admit.  But I also have joy.  Could the mixed emotions have something to do with hormones or just the meaning of this new life to all of us?  I haven't shared this news with my family yet which is really unlike me.  I have only shared with two friends who are not much connected to anyone.  It's ironic that I'm pregnant now because my project was just getting wrapped up -- and I will reveal now that is is a book about pregnancy for parents based on my own experiences -- and I guess I will have something to add with the happenings of this pregnancy.  If all goes well (and I find I have to say this after loss) I will be the mom to many children and it changes my identity a bit.  I wanted this identity but I wasn't quite there yet -- now, I guess I have to be and God will show me how to do it.  I have to learn better how to do it all.  I pray for grace.  I pray for this little soul.  Ofcourse, I long for a son but my focus is on a healthy baby and either gender is just fine.  So I pray for a healthy pregnancy for the baby and for me as the mom.  I need help from God for improved health and I'm sure any improvement will positively affect the pregnancy.  I have been exercising regularly and I don't want to stop.  I also hope to purify my diet with more whole foods.  I don't want to experience that panic and anxiety again and more than that, a pregnancy loss.  I lift it all up to the Lord who is the giver of all things.

Reflection on Heaven

I have come to have great hope through losing my son, BP and my Baby H, that heaven will more than make up for what is lost in any relationship.  Though I think, that heaven is more about God than about any relationships among the communion of the saints, but is that true really?  It is a mystery.  Somehow it is about God in His fullness and about relationships among the communion of saints in its fullness too which the latter is only because of God anyhow.  Love, Love, Love.  All Love comes from God and in heaven all will be clear and Love will flow without obstruction of sin, of time or of space.  These things bring me peace and all will be revealed once I pass through this veil that sometimes drives me crazy!  This world is for the insane and the "king of confusion" does his best to make that happen.  By the Grace of God, we see clearly and fall away from the risk of insanity and life can be meaningful and at times, beautiful. 

Practical musings

As a mother of four, it can be challenging to balance the duties of life with the care of my children.  I am preparing to homeschool the little ones as they get older.  My oldest daughter, Milena who is almost 5 is learning her letter sounds.  My son, Aidan is in public school but needs extra attention daily after school with his homework and to study.  I am considering homeschooling him in the future but I want to make choices that make sense for him, our relationship and for the family as a whole.  At present, I am working at finishing a book I'm writing.  I have some other things that keep me busy too with my volunteer work.  It's all about balance.  Finding time to pray is critical to not losing my mind sometimes.  It awes me how God has helped me.  I pray that He will stretch my time so that I can get everything accomplished.  I love my children and enjoy them and feel so blessed.

Dying to self

This seems to a theme in the messages I get when praying, reading scripture of doing my spiritual reading.  I am coming to find that this will take a lifetime.  I refuse to give up though every day I am faced with my self - living strong and true rather than being dead.  I have great anticipation together with inspiration mixed with the temptation to despair that I will never overcome myself.  It all comes down to grace.  I pray for that grace to operate in me.  With advent approaching I look forward to the opportunity to give up more for God.  However, I have also been faced in the recent past with spiritual attacks against my progress during times when I attempted more.  Perhaps I should just keep going along the way God is calling me but with increased commitment to prayer so that He can be alive in me.  Prayer is the vehicle even in times of dryness.  I guess I find myself sorting through my thoughts about this struggle.   

"Help me O Lord in my trouble, for worthless is the help of man." Ps 60:13

Today, I faced temptation to speak with my SIL about a real ongoing struggle I am having with my MIL.  I decided to stop and pray first before calling.  It was my normal prayer time anyhow.  I often pray with Imitation of Christ.  I usually go in order from one lesson to the next.  But this time, it opened to a section that started with the scripture quoted in the subject heading and was entitled, "On Not Being Too Credulous Knowing How Easily We Offend in Speech."  It didn't take me long to realize that I would not be making that phone call and would instead turn the situation over to God in my time of prayer  and ask for His insight and help. This section also spoke about offering up these temptations to God and how useful it is to resist our human tendencies to the cause of Christ.  Later another scripture, Matt 10:36 is quoted: "a man's enemies are those of his own household."  This was not coincidental.  The author also cautions the reader about confiding in others and trusting them with secrets and that it is better to remain silent about situations concerning other people.  I recently read something that used the phrase, "Divine Vision."  Basically this is seeing things through God and His grace that comes in being close to Him.  This includes our own failings, the faults of others, the stuggles of life etc.  I have thought about it many times since I read about it.  It also spoke about if we are close to God, we will better see the ways to help others in their struggles and also the more we become like God, that others will see God in us and  grace will flow to others to change and be more like Him too.  As I reflect today on Divine Vision and my own struggles, I feel comforted by the hope that God will continue to work in me, that His Grace will spread to others in my life and that He will give the sight which will enable me to help those close to me.  In the meantime, I work at letting go.

My story: Part 2

We recently moved from my home state to JR's.  His parents and his brother and family live here and we are now in the area not far from them all.  I miss my own family who are mostly back in my home state especially since my dad has health problems and my brother is having children.  In the past few years, starting before the big move, I began experiencing a renewed relationship with the Lord.  This mostly happened due to inter-denominational Bible Study groups using Beth Moore.  The Bible really became alive for me and I understood "living word" in a whole new light.  The studies have led me back into prayer and to my roots in contemplation.  I now find that I am drawn to such classics as "Imitation of Christ" and "Cloud of Unknowing" and general Christian classics such as "God Calling" which I use in my prayer time.

As for family life...it's definitely busy with three little girls and an older son.  I have felt drawn to a more simpler life where I can be better focused on my husband and kids.  Because of time spent with God everyday, I find that I am more able to handle the demands on my life and I am finding more balance.  I recently have decided to home school my little children and am considering it for AJ.  I plan to spend the next year getting equipped and doing some preliminary and basic forms of homeschooling in the meantime.  I have peace about this decision.  I want to spend the days with my children where I can offer them formation.  I feel that school can challenge this process in our children where they are faced with too much unsupervised peer focused pressure and where little or no formation is offered.   I want a family-focused family and not so much emphasis put on friends and activities.  Having some friends and activities is healthy and good though.

I continue to love to cook and sometimes with a little Salsa music going.  :)  I am regular person who is pursuing God for Himself and for His Grace to flow in me and my household.  I look forward to having a secret, safe place to share my daily musings, reflections, struggles and joys.