Saturday, December 10, 2011

Joyous Advent

As we come into the 3rd week of Advent, we still don't have any Christmas decorations up - well, except for lights up on our house outside.  I'm okay with this because I know we technically aren't in the Christmas season yet.  However, tomorrow will be the day we get our tree and deck the halls and I think that's okay too.  The decorations and festivities help build anticipation for the Season.  I try not to be too overwhelmed with the extra things that the Holiday time brings.  But I am finding myself overwhelmed with life in general.  I feel like I am always "doing" though praise God I am praying because without it I know life would be harder.  It is no coincidence that when I spend time in prayer, I am better able to take the high road more often in my approach to the things that come up in my day plus I have to have my time with The Lord.  I hunger for it because I can know Him more each time we spend time together.  This Advent I have given up wine or any drink (with the exception of my husband's work party.)  For me it's important to try to implement ways to fast or obstain in smaller and bigger ways as I feel led but especially at these times of the year.  

In a previous post I mentioned that I would share more about my journey of learning more about family planning - well in specific In Vitro Fertilization or IVF.  I guess you could say, I always knew within myself that it was wrong.  When I worried about my own fertility after my two losses, I knew that I could never (hopefully never) consider IVF but I would maybe consider IUI - which injects the sperm into the uterus so conception still happens in the womb BUT not with the sexual act.  This would have been considered after trying fertility drugs and only if we were desperate even though I knew it was against the Church.  Thankfully, we never had to face the choice especially since my own faith walk was so shaky during that time and I was indeed desperate for child.  Now, I am very compassionate and understanding of the deep need to be a parent especially after losing a baby.  But after what I have discovered about IVF and investigating the Church's position on it, I cannot believe that the need for a baby justifies the disrespect for human life which is unavoidable with IVF.    

How did my awareness of this come about?  I do volunteer work with and am on the Board of Directors for a national non-profit in support of those facing pregnancy or infant loss, infertility or adoption challenges.  These issues can be all linked for some couples.  A few months ago, the director of the organization wanted me to contact the local parish when they refused to list their resource in their bulletin because they claimed the organization supported IVF and she believed the organization did not support it.  When examining closer, it came clear to me that I could not defend her position because on the organization's website there were IVF links listed there to obtain more information and such.  I came under sudden conviction and began my research.  I approached the director who is Christian and a friend of mine.  I worried my position would cause a riftInstead, she was very open and told me she'd so some of her own research and pray about it.  I also was praying about it and for her.  She came to the same conclusion as I did that the links needed to be removed together with any other links that strongly supported IVF directly themselves.  Additionally, the organization would not offer any information or referrals of any kind to couples about IVF and instead be given materials about why not to choose IVF (this last thing still has yet to happen.)  But I Praise God for how things have turned around!  

At the same time I was reading the Catholic novel, Motherless by Brian J. Gail which is the second book in a trilogy.  This book in part exposes and educates about the evil of Artificial Reproductive Technology or (ART.)  My eyes were opening all around.  So what was I seeing that I wasn't before?  That in the desperation to have a child, couples not only separate the sexual act from the procreative one and often with self-stimulation on the part of the male to produce sperm but that in the process many more embryos are created than ever live or can be used.  While these embryos are "waiting," they are frozen and when the time comes to be used, they are thawed and many do not live but die.  Of the ones that live, couples then have to choose which embryos show the most promise to attempt to inject into the mother's womb or the womb of another.  The ones not chosen are "discarded."  Then in the process of attempting implantation many do not take and die.  Then if too many implant, often times couples are faced with "reduction" which is choosing which ones will be aborted or killed.  So in other words, in the want of having a child many other children die.  Oh, and the babies left in waiting in the freezers could be waiting indefinitely or in some cases adopted by others.  The church teaches that having children is a gift from God and the sanctity of life should not be compromised in our desire to "have" a child.  Our society is focused so much on the having!  Having a child is so much more -- it is the BEING A PARENT!  Each and every baby conceived is a child and in the case of IVF it is a tragedy that these children are being treated so recklessly by their parents!  Again, I want to emphasize my compassion towards those wanting a child from their bodies.  I have touched personally on this deep need after my own losses and questions about my own fertility!  But now I can no longer shut my eyes to the horror of IVF.  It is a great deception of our time that this is even happening!  Additionally, many women and men are not aware that modern birth control often aborts embryos (meaning fertilized eggs) by preventing implantation.  It can also cause a host of problems for women including increased risk for fertility issues and cervical cancer.  If people are aware, they overlook it as acceptable risk flushing fertilized eggs and acceptable risk of increased health problems.  I sincerely wish there was more advocacy to raise awareness about the moral problems of ART and birth control even within our current pro-life groups.  I am consoled to find that real alternatives to IVF are available out there to help those facing fertility struggles with NaPRO technology available through either the Pope Paul VI Institute or FertilityCare Clinics.  I praise God that He opened my eyes to these truths and gave me deep conviction.  I hunger for His truth and have come to know in a concrete way in my life that the Truth will set us free.  I am free to live in His Light and His revelations are exciting to me.  I don't want to live in confusion or deception.  I want also for others to know the Truth of Christ which brings freedom.  I don't want to keep it for myself but want the lives of others to be transformed through the love of Jesus.  I can only do my part through prayer, through living in Grace, sharing His love in the way I relate to others and sometimes sharing through direct words or conversation.  I pray for an outpouring of The Lord's Grace this Advent and upcoming Christmas season.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Dying to self and the Word of God

This is something I have been struggling with for some time now.  I guess you could say that it's been just about three years since I have felt God call me deeper - back to Himself.  I grew up with a strong foundation but then my late rebellion (in my mid-20s) brought me to a place where it has now taken the better part of more than 10 years to bounce back.   I feel like I'm almost coming back to being more of my true self these last three years.  Through the mercy of God and His grace, I feel almost as if I'm returning to something like my 16 year old innocence and purity of heart.  He has called me to prayer and growth in the knowledge of His word and the power it holds.  St. Paul says in the following passage:

Hebrews 4:12

New International Version (NIV)

 12 For the word of God is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart. 
~~~~~~~~~
I have come to know the truth of this passage intimately.  I have completed several ecumenical, thematic in-depth Bible studies.  These studies have opened my eyes to see that the Word of God is truly the Living Word.  Scripture not only ties together stories or prophecies from one book or testament to the other but it ties into our modern and even our individual lives.  I have found that there is no power like that in the Word of God.  No words of our own, no paraphrase, and even at times prayers can be as powerful as Scripture in our fighting the good fight whether that be in our personal struggles or in our daily lives with others.  Think of Jesus as he was tempted by the devil in the desert.  He IS the Word of God made flesh and yet HE himself used His Word, the scriptures to combat Satan - and combat him effectively!  Should we not follow His example in our temptations?  My practical application for this is to be in the Word regularly - every day or most days and to know certain key passages that speak of God's dominion over my life and/or struggles or of His Love and faithfulness.

Still, I struggle with dying to myself.  I know we live in a culture where indulgence is glorified where any idea of mortification is puzzling.  But thinking again on Jesus in the desert, He followed the lead of the Spirit there and this is just after His baptism in the Jordan and just before He began His earthly ministry.  Doesn't this suggest the importance of fasting, penance and mortifcation in being useful for God to fulfill His purpose in us?  I read in an older version of Divine Intimacy that it can be so much easier to fall into the realm of mediocrity and God will allow us this.  We could have so much more if we were willing out of love to offer something - even a momentary something for Our Lord.  It can include a special intention for a loved one too.  One of the studies I did was on Paul and since I believe He is one of my patrons.  He has burdened my heart to pray for and try to actively reach others to know the Love of God.   He calls all of us to His Heart.  He is jealous for us and wants us to know Him intimately.  He can transform our lives - if we let Him.  A transformation that I have only glimpsed at but I know that is a glimpse of Heaven while still here on earth.  A glimpse into the connectivity of things in this world and between this world and the next.  An idea that there are far less coincidences than we think.  A reality that we matter in this world - even in the little things we do and even in our private alone times.  We can reflect God to the world sometimes in ways we can only imagine through eyes of faith.  God will use us to achieve His purpose if we let Him.  He will not give up on us.  He will work out all things for the good of those who love Him. (Romans 8:28)

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Pregnancy and my dad (Part 2 and update)

Too much time has passed since I last posted here.  I admit that I have been unsure if I would continue and I can't say what my future is as a blogger but for today, I feel some conviction to proceed for awhile.  Since my last post, we have been blessed with the healthy birth of our fourth daughter, HC.  She is now one year old and it has been a great joy to watch her grow and savor all of her littleness.  She is still little.  Though she fits into 12 month clothes, she has tiny feet and she is just now standing with the help of holding something.  She is the sweetest baby ever and her sisters and big brother love her tons.  The whole family does.  The pregnancy was pretty uneventful other than she was in and out of a cord wrap every few days at the end.  This made me nervous.  The day I was induced, her non-stress didn't go so great.  She was not very reactive and I was going to be induced a few days later but my OB thought it was time to go ahead.  I had an ultrasound previous to the test and knew I saw the cord around her neck though the technician didn't mention it.  I passed this info on to my doc.  Like all my babies, she was born fast and I pushed out fast.  Though she didn't cry right away, she was breathing and there was a cord around the neck just as I knew there was.  She was a pretty baby from the first moment I saw her.  She has had more hair since birth and through infancy than any of my others.  I was so happy she was out safely.  But, then they tested her blood sugars and they were low, dangerously low.  She ended up in the NICU. This was painful for me to go back into a NICU after what happened with my first born. I had to be strong.  The other part that was hard was though her situation was not so critical compared to many of the other babies there, I felt responsible for her having to be there because I have gestational diabetes when pregnant and I could've managed it better.  Me, who is very proactive in my pregnancy failed in this area and it was very hard to swallow.  I felt guilty and sad about it.  Thankfully, she was only in the NICU for a day and a half but it was still hard.  She had to be given formula to keep her blood sugar up.  I tried to express my colostrum and I did but it wasn't enough.  Therefore, when she was released from the NICU she had nipple confusion.  This lasted a good few weeks but I didn't give up.  I actually broke the rules and allowed her to latch on incorrectly if it meant her latching on at all.  And you know, she worked it out though I was sore in the meantime.  Everything has evened out in the scope of things.  Since her birth, I have been determined to lose a significant amount of weight to help avoid gestational diabetes in a future pregnancy but so far, I have failed.  I am exercising and try to eat better but only have lost several pounds.  It's better than gaining, I know but I need to see the change for reasons than beyond myself and I seek the Lord's help to "die to myself."  Being a homemaker, it's a lot harder to make food and not eat it than when I was single.  Somehow, I trust in the Lord that in His time, He will help me and I pray that it's before I fall pregnant again.  No, we are not done having kids even though we have five together that we are raising and I am now well on my way to turning 39 but I do hope have a good space between HC and the next one.  Family planning has been an area of growth for me too but I'll save that for another post.

The second part of this update is concerning my dad.  He does have bladder cancer and it is ongoing.  He has not reformed his life and still smokes to some degree which doesn't help things.  He also has developed emphezema.  This is on top of his chronic pain that he's had since his quadruple bi-pass some 12 years ago.  He is living a housebound life at the age of 63.  His quality of life is really lacking.  He recently finished chemo and had surgery and is recovering but today he was found to have an infection from the surgery and we're not sure what that's about yet.  My step mom, is good to him but busy with her work and now her mother has just suffered from a stroke leaving her also housebound.  She visits her every other day after work and on Saturdays.   My dad is in his own world which is natural for someone dealing with ongoing illness.  It is not the best situation.  With living out of state with a large family, I have limits on visiting.  I did visit last spring. I continually pray that the Lord will shower his healing Love on my dad and that he will accept and love Him in return.  It is difficult to know his spiritual state but I sense there is still work to be done and I pray in God's mercy, He will fulfill the good work he has begun in my dad. (Phillipians 1:6)