tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-65304997877647995762024-03-13T19:27:16.745-07:00Contemplative HomemakerWritings from a modern contemplative homemaker
who is
wife and mother to eight children
(including two in heaven.) Though not perfect, I am striving towards holiness
by living close to the Trinity.CHhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15979870758319845561noreply@blogger.comBlogger26125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6530499787764799576.post-38640985738131730932013-03-08T23:45:00.000-08:002013-03-08T23:45:18.891-08:00Baby and family news and moreWe welcomed a new precious boy, RM in January. I wish I could say things were not complicated but he had low blood sugar and had to spend an extra couple of days in the hospital. How I wish that weren't the case while we watched him being poked too many times. We were sick in our house before, during and after his birth and he ended up developing RSV and possible pneumonia. His color wasn't good and we ended up bringing him to the emergency room of our small town hospital where it became clear he needed treatment at a larger hospital and would need to be air-lifted. This was very difficult for us and again RM had to be poked too many times. He made a quick and strong recovery and we were able to come home after just a few days. In between his birth and being hospitalized for being sick, I was having anxiety or panic attacks. I had experienced anxiety and panic in the last trimester with my third daughter but it affected really only my sleep. I was having some hints of this same thing in the last part of my pregnancy with RM too but it was not too difficult to deal with. But his anxiety after he was born WAS difficult and it was not during the night but while I was awake during the day. I did not feel good and after several days I called my OB and they had me come in. I knew that I would be given some medication and though I don't like to take anything more than a mild pain killer, I was desperate for the anxiety to stop. He put me on a low dose of Zoloft. Within hours I felt completely back to myself. It was quite a relief. I couldn't continue that way another day - my whole life felt skewed. I was agitated within and it was not really because anything anyone would do but I was just not myself. I lost my appetite too and felt I had to cope alone which was isolating. Jason was home a lot during that period and he barely saw me. I don't think he realized how bad it was until after I was "back to myself" which I really hadn't been until before I was pregnant. While pregnant, I was coping but not having anxiety but everything was a push for me. Now I am back to myself. We are finding a new normal with another person in our family. I am very happy and glad to have energy again to get to projects, get outside with the kids on nicer days and exercise. During my postpartum appointment, my OB and I decided I would only remain on the drug for a total of three months which I feel is reasonable giving time for my hormones to return to normal.<br />
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As for homeschooling, AJ has been back to public school since soon after Christmas break. He just didn't have it in him to put the effort forth. He depended on the idea that homeschooling would be easier than regular school. It wasn't. It was a challenge though I made it easier for him in ways he needed it to be - like in Biology, making it less college prep and more basic. I was putting forth all my effort and he was not. I have seen growth in him because of being homeschooled though. Now that he's back to regular school, he's actually doing quite well. But I know it's easier there. He's hanging out with his friends again and is in robotics and metals classes which compliments his work with his grandpa getting trained in machining. He's pretty excited about this and will be going to a competition with a team. I feel good that I made an honest try of homeschooling him since he consistently wanted it. I am letting go of his lack of effort which was really quite apparent and disappointing. It cost us some money and for me, time and energy but those are the sacrifices we make for our kids even if things don't work out. I wish it would've turned out differently. <br />
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Spiritually, the whole episode at the birth and after with RN took its toll on me. I have been rather dry even before that time for a few months - probably since after fall time or maybe after the election which was disappointing. I felt burnt out. I was really trying to reach out to others to share the truth but hearts are cold and minds are made up. I can hope a seed or two was planted. Regardless, I felt tired and deflated. I was in a parish program with my mom and husband at the time. It was beneficial but I didn't "feel" much from it. My husband, JR had a major transformation though. My mom too has had one in the last year. For these, I praise God. I told the Lord too that if I didn't feel Him for a time, I would persist and have faith and know He was there. I am persisting. JR and I are praying together now and sometimes as a family. I am watching him grow. This is enough for me for the time being. I will wait on the Lord to show Himself to me in the which ever way He may choose. <br />
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Next month RN will be christened on the same day our oldest daughter, MT will receive her sacraments. JR's mother is making both garments. She also made the girls' baptism gown. The bishop will be presiding. It will be a special day. Eight years ago AJ received his sacraments when MT was baptized. Now she will be receiving them when her baby brother will be baptized. <br />
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It was interesting to learn that the pope announced his resignation. Presently our world waits to have a new pope elected. I pray for the Lord's will and for guidance of our cardinals. I continue to pray for the state our world and for our country. I continue to have hope in the Lord's mercy. CHhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15979870758319845561noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6530499787764799576.post-11534521962545037142012-09-23T21:43:00.001-07:002012-09-23T21:44:21.647-07:00<span style="color: #0b5394;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">We're having a BOY! Honestly, I never really knew how much hearing those words from the ultrasound tech would mean to me</span></span>. <span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="color: #0b5394;">Even after losing my firstborn son shortly after birth and having four girls since. For JR, my husband, he was moved to tears at the news and told me how much he wants this for me. I told him how much I want this for us. The whole family is very excited - extended family included. Though we would have welcomed a girl, this is a special blessing for us. I know it will be different because of the feelings that emerged in me those several short days I had with my baby boy before he left us.</span></span> <span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="color: #0b5394;">There is something special in having a baby boy - different special than having a baby girl. A few days after receiving the news, I pulled out the box of boys things I have been saving since the loss of BP. I have never much attributed those things as being his but they are somewhat tied to him naturally. I was amazed that as it's coming on 10 years later that many of the things are classic and not out of style and they seem new still. The reality of what it means to have a son of my own from birth (hopefully to raise) has been coming to mind. He will certainly have lots of little mommies. Even AJ, my full-time stepson who will be 16 years old talks of things he will do with his brother. I respond by telling him that the relationship will be whatever he makes of it. :) I also think in regards to the boy toys and activities - perhaps different than AJ. I think of the help he will be to his dad later on. We are just getting serious about names. I pray we have inspiration and will feel convicted in a name together. </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="color: #0b5394;">Homeschooling AJ is going well. </span></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="color: #0b5394;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="color: #0b5394;">His scores are good. </span></span>I have been pleased with most of the curriculum I picked out and it is an amazingly free feeling to have chosen the mix of it mostly on my own with some inspiration from others rather than a set curriculum or choosing an online school. The Biology text is okay to me but not so much to AJ. So we'll probably switch into something else if we continue next year. I even write my own tests for that since they don't provide any. For writing, I have written a few quizzes also. I plan to have lots of fun and creativity in Geography though I understand that many don't give that subject much emphasis. I can see how that could happen but I personally love Geography and all of it's components including some culture. I plan to overlap World History with World Geography and Writing. AJ is a good kid though in some ways he is the typical teenager in ways I wish he wasn't. He has some strong negativity which I hope to help him with if I can. This includes being negative about many small things. He is often a good deal negative with his sisters though not always. I know this is normal. I just wish he could see that it doesn't have to be that way. Thankfully, he's busy between working for Grandpa in the mornings and homeschooling in the afternoon. But this negativity can come through in his attitude about his school work. I don't appreciate it but I feel more concerned than affected I guess. I pray for him and I plan to give him some tools though I don't claim to be much capable. I pray the Lord will lead me and one tool I am starting to use tomorrow is giving AJ a weekly Scripture verse</span></span> <span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="color: #0b5394;">which I'll incorporate into his school work that week. As I have mentioned before, there is great power in Scripture - after all it is the two-edged sword. Plus there are great messages of truth and offer of healing. I sense with AJ that though he has some strong moral and religious convictions about life, society and the Catholic or Christian faith, he lacks a personal relationship. We could do more to cultivate it in our home but Jason and I bring in faith into life lessons which come up a lot and JR's story of his experience of Jesus is powerful. I try to set an example. AJ prefers many secular distractions and even currently rejects more Christian ones. I guess when I was his age, I already had my conversion experience. With JR, not so much yet but some foundation was laid. I pray that foundation for true conversion is there and will take hold in AJ. </span></span><br />
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CHhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15979870758319845561noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6530499787764799576.post-62278955504043540492012-08-31T22:51:00.000-07:002012-09-07T21:20:13.679-07:00Blessings<span style="color: #990000;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Pregnancy for me is never very easy though I have heard many stories of others who've had it much worse. Still, I have had increased nausea and vomiting in the last week, regular headaches and fatigue. I wonder how I'll ever get to some of my tasks. Then after a rather rough day which included all of the above symptoms, I had a burst of energy. The problem with this is that it was at 9:00 PM. What am I going to get done at that time of day??? Actually, I was putting my girls down a little late and had a good amount of fun with them at bedtime. Lately with all my symptoms, bedtime has been yet another task and it makes me sad that life is like that right now most of the time. I decided I would simply enjoy feeling good once I said my goodnights and gave kisses, noses and hugs all around. When I have had other energy bursts, I have gone for walks or really got a lot done around here. It feels good. I thank God for those times of reprieve. Ever since my first pregnancy I have said that I wish I could just hibernate for nine months - I'm halfway serious about this though I know that I really don't want this since I have children to raise. I'm thankful that these symptoms lift when the babies are born. The next day after giving birth, I feel "back to myself." I almost forget what it feels like to be "me" during all those months. It is actually easier for me once the babies are born. :)</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="color: #990000;">Since my post last week, tensions have been lighter around here. God is good like that not to allow things to be burdensome for too long. I had to think why there was a change and it was actually - no surprise here - communication. Naturally, an opportunity to parent arose that brought this out between me and AJ and then my husband, JR became involved. Communication is key to easing tensions. I have to remember this. I don't mean nagging either - that's different. I need to remember to not only pray in the midst of difficult situations which I was doing, but also pray for the divine opportunity for communication and healing. We'll see how the weekend goes. :)</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="color: #990000;">This week, I have been occupied with watching the Republican National Convention. I continue to have hopes that our current president will be out of job after this election. I also continue to have some reservations about Romney but I hope in him and continue to pray for God's mercy on our country. I had to remind myself that as much as I watch politics, I need to be praying continuously. At Bible Study, my mom pointed out that Billy Graham is calling the faithful of this country to fast for 40 days up to the election. This would begin something like September 27th. Though I am not in a position to fast, I am willing to give up something(s) and to make prayer commitments. Perhaps others will join in this. Fasting is a powerful means for the Lord to work and we cannot underestimate it. It can be easy to forget in the culture we live which only reminds us from every angle of each and every last way of how to gratify ourselves. </span></span><br />
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<br />CHhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15979870758319845561noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6530499787764799576.post-36150508363854102242012-08-22T21:32:00.000-07:002012-08-22T21:36:40.686-07:00Transitions<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Since my last post too many weeks ago now, I have become pregnant for the 7th time. Currently I am 16 weeks and have felt the usual fatigue and nausea though it is starting to abate now that I'm into my second trimester. We are praying for a healthy baby and with all the girls we have together, it will be interesting to see what gender the baby is at my next appointment. I have had to get used to being pregnant more so than with any of the others though I knew we would likely have another, it happened a touch sooner than I was prepared for. I had hoped to find greater success with weight loss to have a better time with the pregnancy and possibly avoid gestational diabetes this time. But I only made a dent and now have had to let it go for the most part though I am being more disciplined about my diet and testing my blood. My husband, JR had been more than ready for me to become pregnant again and in all actuality this baby and HC will be the largest spread we have had with our children with 2.5 years apart. HC just turned 2 and she is turning into a little kid though still so sweet and good natured. I am savoring this pregnancy in case it's my last. I will be forty about the time the baby comes. It would be nice to move forward and focus on the children I have but I know another baby is possible since we will not get in the way of God. I do plan to use the Fertility Monitor and charting (FAM) to avoid pregnancy. I have two close college friends (both also from Franciscan University) who are also pregnant right now - each with their 9th pregnancy though each also suffered a miscarriage. I have other peers who are having babies still and so I feel I have others around me who are in my situation having children into their late 30s and even early 40s. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Besides this, I am also committed to homeschooling my full-time stepson, AJ who is 15 and entering 10th grade. I never thought I would homeschool him. I say this because he is the only one in our family in his age group, he is very social, he can be negative with his sisters (can be normal for his age) and because of our dynamic issue. This last one is complicated but obviously the Lord has been doing great work. AJ has been asking to be homeschooled and I see that the local school is not challenging him. He got all As and Bs last term and he never had homework and he has learning challenges! I first thought I might slide into public schooling at home but in looking at the wealth of curriculum choices out there, I became inspired to go my own way and will be doing the traditional homeschooling. He has been working for grandpa at his business in town which offers him skilled training. He'll be busy with that. Our town is small enough too that he easily hooks up with his buddies. I pray for the Lord's help in this for both of us and for his Grace. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Having a teenager in our home mixed with little kids holds it's own challenges. It is nice for quick babysitting needs and some help with household things. But he is up later and I feel like my evening time is not my own anymore. Also this age for him holds many lessons and takes much time and energy. When he comes home from work or there's something with a friend and he shares about it, it seems there is always some kind of lesson in response which can include offering a shift in perspective. We're fortunate AJ is so communicative. He likes to be around the family rather than holing up in his room like most kids his age. But again he requires his own care - though different from the little ones but still care.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">In reading <i>Consoling the Heart of Jesus</i> I have tried to embrace humility and service. I am working at letting go for peace within my heart and entrusting my cares and family to the Lord. I know He can take care of any needs. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">I know I'm jumping around here a bit, but I continue to follow politics and hope and pray for God's mercy on our country. I pray that truth can reign and we can have a new administration for the next term. Honestly though, I have reservations about Romney but I have hope that they will not hold water if he's elected. I do not want to see the current administration have four more years to continue to increase the deficit at such an alarming rate and take powers that is not theirs to make unilateral executive decisions. I hold onto hope. True hope - not the false hope promised four years ago. </span>CHhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15979870758319845561noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6530499787764799576.post-35353528272798618892012-04-01T21:58:00.003-07:002012-04-01T21:59:48.791-07:00Temptation entering Holy Week<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="color: #351c75;">As shared in the previous post, I have experienced some graces and help during this Lent. In fact, this has been one of the better Lents. It is due to being committed to daily prayer, monthly Adoration on First Saturday, beginning Lent with Mass on Ash Wednesday and confession the following Wednesday and also finishing up an in-depth Bible Study on Jesus which has much personal application. Additionally, I have been reading the book <i>Consoling the Heart of Jesus: A Do-It-Yourself Retreat</i> by Fr Michael Gaitley MIC since the onset of Lent. This book is amazing and life changing and so down to earth as it is written for "little souls" as the author calls them. This all sounds like a nice "laundry list" of good, essential things to do to have a good Lent. But the reality is that despite this, these weeks have been still mixed with failings like the one mentioned last post. Since then Grace has helped me in this specific area and I feel strength through your prayers. But there are other failings. I have come to realize that I am not making progress in the area that burdens me about my health, weight loss and hope for a better future pregnancy for me and the baby. I am tempted to despair over my failings despite the grace to make better choices daily. I still fail including to fully give up some things that I chose to give up for Lent. But as the book above teaches, it is precisely at these times that we need to climb into the arms of Jesus. This consoles Him rather than us hiding in shame. He in turn offers us consolation, peace and help. The fact is, we are sinners and will always sin no matter how close to Christ we may be. We cannot give in to the temptation to despair. So I pull myself up to make that climb but then remember what St Therese says about the elevator being Jesus and that we don't have to make that tough climb so instead I let him take me there to Himself. </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="color: #351c75;">So what can this mean for this last, most Holy Week of Lent? Maybe just in realizing more fully my dependence on Him, I will call on His Holy Name as I strive to do more for Him. I will call to mind His Most Holy Face in the image of the Divine Mercy and say those words, I trust in You and allow Him to fill me with His Peace so that Love will flow between us. It is there that joy is found according to Father Gaitley. </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="color: #351c75;">I am not even finished with the book yet but it's having a profound effect. My husband has read a bit of the book too and has received some great insight and help. This week I aim to forget myself and my sins and look to Christ and His great Love, Sacrifice and Victory! Praise Him!</span></span><br />
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</script>CHhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15979870758319845561noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6530499787764799576.post-46083153092184419942012-03-19T12:20:00.004-07:002012-03-19T12:43:32.789-07:00Trials and Grace<div style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
This Lent has been both incredibly blessed so far while at the same time there have been some emerging trials - almost brewing under the surface. The main part of this trial is long standing though it can come in varying degrees and then go and come back. It has to do with dynamics in the home and unresolved issues about what it means to have family time and how to use spare time. I would guess many relate to this to some degree. I can only imagine the peace that would come with a firm understanding among family members on this issue. I know some households have achieved this. I would think it comes with communication and commitment. Though my husband, JR and I are fortunate to be "equally yoked" we are not always at the same place at the same time. Right now, he wants to hang on to some of the superficial things in life more than I do. I don't mind these things but in smaller doses though. The hard part is his 15 year old son AJ, my stepson who lives with us follows suit with his dad whenever they're home together. This can wear on my spirit. But after some mounting tension and then conflict over the weekend and feeling broken about things, the Lord showed me to have greater tolerance during this season of life. That's right, it is just a season. Perhaps we will have more ability to come to an agreement about things for our family and our son and how time is spent but until then, I need to struggle through those irritating times and either draw the line or have tolerance. I have tended to isolate myself and do my own thing during these times. JR has noticed this and has felt his own tension rising towards me as a result. So I also feel that I need to try to be present and perhaps affect change that way (hopefully in a positive way) rather than doing what I have been doing. The tension steals my joy and it breaks my heart to think that the whole thing and myself included contributes to disharmony and hurt in the home. Unfortunately, how AJ spends his time has been an issue for me since we have been a family. He has no sibling in his age range to play with though he does pretty great with his sisters. He is sometimes bossy and says things that are inappropriate but that can be very normal. I have tried through the years especially when J was on the road for his job and I was home alone with him to have game night and to invite friends over for him to play with. But that can only do so much. He has not been into sports though he did go out for football this last fall. Because of his personality and his trouble in being productive in play or activity, it has caused tension in me through the years and I am sure it has burdened him too which breaks my heart. I have been crying out to God to help me overcome this tension - to love better. It is so hard. In the early years, I was depressed about it. It was difficult seeing my own powerlessness. I had to choose love day after day. I care so much about AJ's well being. In that way, I am a good mom and I give him a spiritual foundation and try to offer him a balanced life. I know he appreciates and we have come a long way. In fact, I am committed to homeschooling him next year unless there is a huge change for him at high school. I would have never thought this would happen because he is so social and he needs something outside of the home to fill that need. But highschool is not a positive experience for him. He wants me to homeschool him and has for some time. I told him I would if he had something else, like a job or sports. I dont want him to be bored here at home and have no interaction with others. But I think that it could work out if he has something else. I feel optimistic and that says a lot considering our history. So God is obviously doing some great things. I enjoy him, he's a good, handsome boy who's coming into manhood. I need to tell him more that I'm proud of him and that I love him. I fail at this and again, this breaks my heart but I know today it can change and improve with God's grace. If anyone has comments about this or insight or suggestions, please feel free to email me. I may post it to the site if I feel so led and if I obtain your permission. I do ask for prayers. On a side note, there have been many ways the Lord has been working and I will share more in my next post. Praise Him!</div>
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</script>CHhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15979870758319845561noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6530499787764799576.post-4049112341184014082012-02-25T20:42:00.000-08:002012-02-25T20:42:56.910-08:00The Lord's mercy and help<span><span style="background-color: purple;"></span></span><span><span style="background-color: purple;"><span style="background-color: #ead1dc;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">I realized yesterday that it has been awhile again since I last posted. Honestly, life with five kids makes me forgetful. Somehow, I manage to not forget for long and keep up with what is going on around here but I am less able to be thinking of everything so thoroughly and things come up and surprise me more. Then I thank God and my Guardian Angel that I didn't forget all-together! I used to be so good at this and keep up with everything better. But it gets done - whatever it is and I don't ever really miss things but I'm sure my time with come just because I am human, after all. </span></span></span></span><br />
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<span><span style="background-color: purple;"><span style="background-color: #ead1dc;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">I continue to follow the politics of things and praying for our country especially with the recent Mandate. I pray for the Lord's mercy on our country and that perhaps things can get better before they get worse. Many around me think more in terms of the latter. It's good to be prepared just in case and be watchful for signs that things are about to change dramatically. Mainly, I mean the economy but any kind of oppressive change. Mostly, I pray but I am watching. My husband is feeling the burden to prepare. Though he hasn't yet. </span></span></span></span><br />
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<span><span style="background-color: purple;"><span style="background-color: #ead1dc;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">I have been praying for grace this Lent to die to myself in ways that are hurting me and even my relationship with the Lord. I need to lose weight - about 80 lbs , not for vanity sake but so I can be healthier especially for when I get pregnant again. I do not want to deal with gestational diabetes and see ill effects in my baby. With the Lord's help, I can do it. Plus He wants me to let go of habits that contribute to the problem. So far this Lent, it has been different for me. I feel His help. The time is now and I want to do it for Him not just for me or anyone else. </span></span></span></span>CHhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15979870758319845561noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6530499787764799576.post-85515638976722306792012-01-07T11:58:00.000-08:002012-01-07T11:58:51.091-08:00~ Merry Christmas ~Though the Christmas season lasts a little longer, we are taking down our tree today and packing away our ornaments until next year. I always feel a bit sad doing this. I was able to really take in Christmas this year though the week before was a little crazy. I was sick on top of it all and am still recovering. But I have managed. The day after Christmas I literally just existed for 3 days and it was wonderful. I was able to finish a Christmas novel (one by Thomas Kinkade who offer quality fiction) and start a new one I received for Christmas - actually the third novel in the Fatherless/Motherless Trilogy appropriately called Childless. I am close to half done already. I haven't had much time to wiz through books but the trilogy is hard to put down. I bought my husband a good book too which is also third in the Crusades trilogy written by Swedish author, Jan Guillou. The first book was made into a foreign film that we saw. I have found that I am losing my taste for most mainstream TV, movies and books. I just can't put up with much of it anymore. It can be hard to avoid everything because sometimes I still can find myself watching something that I conclude later seemed like a waste of time. I prefer things that are quality and inspiring or atleast entertaining with little or no compromise. This can be a hard one. Some things I have watched lately is the Hallmark Love series starting with Love Come Softly. I've seen it around and saw small parts of it but those parts just never grabbed me until I saw one part recently and I knew I was hooked. Also, we have been watching a TV mini-series now on DVD called Into the West which is very good about the settlers moving west and the native Americans. I have enjoyed with my husband (surprisingly) the BBC TV series, Lark Rise to Candleford and just recently another British production called Downton Abbey though we are just starting it and I can't say for overall quality viewing yet. It is well done but there was one scene in the first episode that showed homosexual affection which I fast forwarded through. This leads me to another topic...<br />
<br />
...I live in the state of Washington and it has long been known to me mainly through our parish priest but also in the media that our governor is a strong liberal. She is trying to force her liberal social agenda down our throats. One example is forcing by law and threat of imprisonment all doctors and pharmacists to prescribe and give oral contraception including the "morning after pill." Now this week she is pushing to allow for homosexual marriage. When she speaks she talks all about what "she believes." She is a rather harsh and stern woman and I get bad feelings when I watch or hear her. The other day when I was in a local bookstore I first heard about her agenda for allowing homosexual marriage on NPR. This happens to be a station that my husband grew up listening to and whose parents still avidly do. They are Catholics who have a rich faith and went to charismatic conferences with others of the faith some years back and who have been involved with the local church and volunteering. They also are strong Democrats. Recently this subject came to head over a family dinner and it wasn't pretty. They feel strongly that the Republican party cannot give this country what it needs for such things as the economy and with the war. I honestly don't know all of their positions. This is because for me and my husband none of these things matter enough when it comes down to the non-negotiable social issues like abortion and homosexual marriage. I cannot help to conclude that their listening to NPR reinforces their perspectives and support of democratic political thinking. Therefore their votes and those like them (from Catholics and otherwise) now mean the people of our state have to live with the strong likelihood of sanctioned immorality. The only point I was able to make in the discussion that night that was mainly between my husband and his father was that to vote democrat was disobedient to the Church and my father-in-law conceded to that. I additionally tried to say that is more than just about abortion but other social issues like homosexual marriage - and now look - just a few short weeks later, it's happening here. But I don't know if he heard me. Both of my husband's parents were eager to defend Obama. I just couldn't hear it. I know they likely have good arguments as to why the democratic political agenda may be more helpful to our country but I can't vote that way if it compromises the non-negotiable issues. My husband thankfully is of the same thinking. <br />
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Now at the same time, the Republican nominees are coming forth and there is much to be hopeful about. I think it's amazing how Rick Santorum came our of nowhere and almost won the Iowa Caucus. I had no idea about him until earlier that day . He is actually a fellow bereaved father of an infant son and father to seven living children. Being Catholic and on the conservative right, I am drawn to him naturally but he is also inspiring. Not everyone thinks he's the man to beat Obama. I don't know. I do know I want Obama out. That is the priority but I cannot help to hope for Santorum. Imagine if he were to win the nomination and be the opponent to Obama. Would my in-laws actually vote for Obama against a Catholic like themselves? I pray that it would not be the case. Actually, I have been praying wholeheartedly since that dinner for them that they can see the error in their thinking and the deep consequences it brings for the people of our country and for their spiritual well-being. I have been praying to love them through this difference too which really isn't too hard to do since they are great loving people. I know how much the Lord loves them. I have been praying for justice to reign in our country and for Obama to be defeated and for an effective candidate to win the nomination. The future is at stake.<br />
<br />CHhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15979870758319845561noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6530499787764799576.post-69753732421399162972011-12-10T23:10:00.001-08:002011-12-11T00:24:26.229-08:00Joyous Advent<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">As we come into the 3rd week of Advent, we still don't have any Christmas decorations up - well, except for lights up on our house outside. I'm okay with this because I know we technically aren't in the Christmas season yet. However, tomorrow will be the day we get our tree and deck the halls and I think that's okay too. The decorations and festivities help build anticipation for the Season. I try not to be too overwhelmed with the extra things that the Holiday time brings. But I am finding myself overwhelmed with life in general. I feel like I am always "doing" though praise God I am praying because without it I know life would be harder. It is no coincidence that when I spend time in prayer, I am better able to take the high road more often in my approach to the things that come up in my day plus I have to have my time with The Lord. I hunger for it because I can know Him more each time we spend time together. This Advent I have given up wine or any drink (with the exception of my husband's work party.) For me it's important to try to implement ways to fast or obstain in smaller and bigger ways as I feel led but especially at these times of the year. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">In a previous post I mentioned that I would share more about my journey of learning more about family planning - well in specific In Vitro Fertilization or IVF. I guess you could say, I always knew within myself that it was wrong. When I worried about my own fertility after my two losses, I knew that I could never (hopefully never) consider IVF but I would maybe consider IUI - which injects the sperm into the uterus so conception still happens in the womb BUT not with the sexual act. This would have been considered after trying fertility drugs and only if we were desperate even though I knew it was against the Church. Thankfully, we never had to face the choice especially since my own faith walk was so shaky during that time and I was indeed desperate for child. Now, I am very compassionate and understanding of the deep need to be a parent especially after losing a baby. But after what I have discovered about IVF and investigating the Church's position on it, I cannot believe that the need for a baby justifies the disrespect for human life which is unavoidable with IVF. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"> </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">How did my awareness of this come about? I do volunteer work with and am on the Board of Directors for a national non-profit in support of those facing pregnancy or infant loss, infertility or adoption challenges. These issues can be all linked for some couples. A few months ago, the director of the organization wanted me to contact the local parish when they refused to list their resource in their bulletin because they claimed the organization supported IVF and she believed the organization did not support it. When examining closer, it came clear to me that I could not defend her position because on the organization's website there were IVF links listed there to obtain more information and such. I came under sudden conviction and began my research. I approached the director who is Christian and a friend of mine. I worried my position would cause a rift</span>. <span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">Instead, she was very open and told me she'd so some of her own research and pray about it. I also was praying about it and for her. She came to the same conclusion as I did that the links needed to be removed together with any other links that strongly supported IVF directly themselves. Additionally, the organization would not offer any information or referrals of any kind to couples about IVF and instead be given materials about why not to choose IVF (this last thing still has yet to happen.) But I Praise God for how things have turned around! </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">At the same time I was reading the Catholic novel, <i>Motherless</i> by Brian J. Gail which is the second book in a trilogy. This book in part exposes and educates about the evil of Artificial Reproductive Technology or (ART.) My eyes were opening all around. So what was I seeing that I wasn't before? That in the desperation to have a child, couples not only separate the sexual act from the procreative one and often with self-stimulation on the part of the male to produce sperm but that in the process many more embryos are created than ever live or can be used. While these embryos are "waiting," they are frozen and when the time comes to be used, they are thawed and many do not live but die. Of the ones that live, couples then have to choose which embryos show the most promise to attempt to inject into the mother's womb or the womb of another. The ones not chosen are "discarded." Then in the process of attempting implantation many do not take and die. Then if too many implant, often times couples are faced with "reduction" which is choosing which ones will be aborted or killed. So in other words, in the want of having a child many other children die. Oh, and the babies left in waiting in the freezers could be waiting indefinitely or in some cases adopted by others. The church teaches that having children is a gift from God and the sanctity of life should not be compromised in our desire to "have" a child. Our society is focused so much on the having! Having a child is so much more -- it is the BEING A PARENT! Each and every baby conceived is a child and in the case of IVF it is a tragedy that these children are being treated so recklessly by their parents!</span> <span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">Again, I want to emphasize my compassion towards those wanting a child from their bodies. I have touched personally on this deep need after my own losses and questions about my own fertility! But now I can no longer shut my eyes to the horror of IVF. It is a great deception of our time that this is even happening! Additionally, many women and men are not aware that modern birth control often aborts embryos (meaning fertilized eggs) by preventing implantation. It can also cause a host of problems for women including increased risk for fertility issues and cervical cancer. If people are aware, they overlook it as acceptable risk flushing fertilized eggs and acceptable risk of increased health problems. I sincerely wish there was more advocacy to raise awareness about the moral problems of ART and birth control even within our current pro-life groups. I am consoled to find that real alternatives to IVF are available out there to help those facing fertility struggles with NaPRO technology available through either the Pope Paul VI Institute or FertilityCare Clinics. I praise God that He opened my eyes to these truths and gave me deep conviction. I hunger for His truth and have come to know in a concrete way in my life that the Truth will set us free. I am free to live in His Light and His revelations are exciting to me. I don't want to live in confusion or deception. I want also for others to know the Truth of Christ which brings freedom. I don't want to keep it for myself but want the lives of others to be transformed through the love of Jesus. I can only do my part through prayer, through living in Grace, sharing His love in the way I relate to others and sometimes sharing through direct words or conversation. I pray for an outpouring of The Lord's Grace this Advent and upcoming Christmas season</span>.CHhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15979870758319845561noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6530499787764799576.post-50700029914561086522011-11-17T14:46:00.001-08:002011-11-17T15:35:10.256-08:00Dying to self and the Word of God<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="color: #660000;">This is something I have been struggling with for some time now. I guess you could say that it's been just about three years since I have felt God call me deeper - back to Himself. I grew up with a strong foundation but then my late rebellion (in my mid-20s) brought me to a place where it has now taken the better part of more than 10 years to bounce back. I feel like I'm almost coming back to being more of my true self these last three years. Through the mercy of God and His grace, I feel almost as if I'm returning to something like my 16 year old innocence and purity of heart. He has called me to prayer and growth in the knowledge of His word and the power it holds. St. Paul says in the following passage:</span></span><br />
<div class="heading passage-class-0" style="color: #660000; font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<h3 style="font-weight: normal;">
<b style="color: #660000;"><span style="font-size: small;">Hebrews 4:12</span></b></h3>
<h3 style="color: #660000; font-weight: normal;">
<span style="font-size: small;">New International Version (NIV)</span></h3>
</div>
<div class="result-text-style-normal ">
<div style="color: #660000; font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<sup class="versenum" id="en-NIV-30027">12</sup> For the word
of God is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it
penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it
judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart. </div>
<div style="color: #660000; font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><b>~~~~~~~~~</b></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="color: #660000;">I have come to know the truth of this passage intimately. I have completed several ecumenical, thematic in-depth Bible studies.</span></span> <span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="color: #660000;">These studies have opened my eyes to see that the Word of God is truly the Living Word. Scripture not only ties together stories or prophecies from one book or testament to the other but it ties into our modern and even our individual lives. I have found that there is no power like that in the Word of God. No words of our own, no paraphrase, and even at times prayers can be as powerful as Scripture in our fighting the good fight whether that be in our personal struggles or in our daily lives with others. Think of Jesus as he was tempted by the devil in the desert. He IS the Word of God made flesh and yet HE himself used His Word, the scriptures to combat Satan - and combat him effectively! Should we not follow His example in our temptations? My practical application for this is to be in the Word regularly - every day or most days and to know certain key passages that speak of God's dominion over my life and/or struggles or of His Love and faithfulness.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="color: #660000;">Still, I struggle with dying to myself. I know we live in a culture where indulgence is glorified where any idea of mortification is puzzling. But thinking again on Jesus in the desert, He followed the lead of the Spirit there and this is just after His baptism in the Jordan and just before He began His earthly ministry. Doesn't this suggest the importance of fasting, penance and mortifcation in being useful for God to fulfill His purpose in us? I read in an older version of <i>Divine Intimacy </i>that it can be so much easier to fall into the realm of mediocrity and God will allow us this. We could have so much more if we were willing <b>out of love</b> to offer something - even a momentary something for Our Lord. It can include a special intention for a loved one too. One of the studies I did was on Paul and since I believe He is one of my patrons. He has burdened my heart to pray for and try to actively reach others to know the Love of God. </span></span><span style="color: #660000;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">He calls all of us to His Heart. He is jealous for us and wants us to know Him intimately. He can transform our lives - if we let Him. A transformation that I have only glimpsed at but I know that is a glimpse of Heaven while still here on earth. A glimpse into the connectivity of things in this world and between this world and the next. An idea that there are far less coincidences than we think. A reality that we matter in this world - even in the little things we do and even in our private alone times. We can reflect God to the world sometimes in ways we can only imagine through eyes of faith. </span></span><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="color: #660000;">God will use us to achieve His purpose if we let Him. He will not give up on us. He will work out all things for the good of those who love Him. (Romans 8:28)</span></span></div>CHhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15979870758319845561noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6530499787764799576.post-19535007782417921572011-09-14T15:34:00.000-07:002011-09-14T15:35:33.096-07:00Pregnancy and my dad (Part 2 and update)Too much time has passed since I last posted here. I admit that I have been unsure if I would continue and I can't say what my future is as a blogger but for today, I feel some conviction to proceed for awhile. Since my last post, we have been blessed with the healthy birth of our fourth daughter, HC. She is now one year old and it has been a great joy to watch her grow and savor all of her littleness. She is still little. Though she fits into 12 month clothes, she has tiny feet and she is just now standing with the help of holding something. She is the sweetest baby ever and her sisters and big brother love her tons. The whole family does. The pregnancy was pretty uneventful other than she was in and out of a cord wrap every few days at the end. This made me nervous. The day I was induced, her non-stress didn't go so great. She was not very reactive and I was going to be induced a few days later but my OB thought it was time to go ahead. I had an ultrasound previous to the test and knew I saw the cord around her neck though the technician didn't mention it. I passed this info on to my doc. Like all my babies, she was born fast and I pushed out fast. Though she didn't cry right away, she was breathing and there was a cord around the neck just as I knew there was. She was a pretty baby from the first moment I saw her. She has had more hair since birth and through infancy than any of my others. I was so happy she was out safely. But, then they tested her blood sugars and they were low, dangerously low. She ended up in the NICU. This was painful for me to go back into a NICU after what happened with my first born. I had to be strong. The other part that was hard was though her situation was not so critical compared to many of the other babies there, I felt responsible for her having to be there because I have gestational diabetes when pregnant and I could've managed it better. Me, who is very proactive in my pregnancy failed in this area and it was very hard to swallow. I felt guilty and sad about it. Thankfully, she was only in the NICU for a day and a half but it was still hard. She had to be given formula to keep her blood sugar up. I tried to express my colostrum and I did but it wasn't enough. Therefore, when she was released from the NICU she had nipple confusion. This lasted a good few weeks but I didn't give up. I actually broke the rules and allowed her to latch on incorrectly if it meant her latching on at all. And you know, she worked it out though I was sore in the meantime. Everything has evened out in the scope of things. Since her birth, I have been determined to lose a significant amount of weight to help avoid gestational diabetes in a future pregnancy but so far, I have failed. I am exercising and try to eat better but only have lost several pounds. It's better than gaining, I know but I need to see the change for reasons than beyond myself and I seek the Lord's help to "die to myself." Being a homemaker, it's a lot harder to make food and not eat it than when I was single. Somehow, I trust in the Lord that in His time, He will help me and I pray that it's before I fall pregnant again. No, we are not done having kids even though we have five together that we are raising and I am now well on my way to turning 39 but I do hope have a good space between HC and the next one. Family planning has been an area of growth for me too but I'll save that for another post.<br />
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The second part of this update is concerning my dad. He does have bladder cancer and it is ongoing. He has not reformed his life and still smokes to some degree which doesn't help things. He also has developed emphezema. This is on top of his chronic pain that he's had since his quadruple bi-pass some 12 years ago. He is living a housebound life at the age of 63. His quality of life is really lacking. He recently finished chemo and had surgery and is recovering but today he was found to have an infection from the surgery and we're not sure what that's about yet. My step mom, is good to him but busy with her work and now her mother has just suffered from a stroke leaving her also housebound. She visits her every other day after work and on Saturdays. My dad is in his own world which is natural for someone dealing with ongoing illness. It is not the best situation. With living out of state with a large family, I have limits on visiting. I did visit last spring. I continually pray that the Lord will shower his healing Love on my dad and that he will accept and love Him in return. It is difficult to know his spiritual state but I sense there is still work to be done and I pray in God's mercy, He will fulfill the good work he has begun in my dad. (Phillipians 1:6)<br />
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<br />CHhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15979870758319845561noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6530499787764799576.post-1764254297495351222010-06-23T16:07:00.000-07:002010-06-23T16:08:32.819-07:00Pregnancy, parenting & The Shack<div style="background-color: #fce5cd;"><span style="color: #741b47;">By His grace, I am getting through this period. I say this because I'm finding that advanced pregnancy with caring for 4 kids is challenging. I have felt fatigue since later in the 1st trimester but now it is that same fatigue but more deeply physical. I also cannot multi-task as I usually can and hit a wall of frustration. I'm giving myself room to not be perfect and be more needy where normally, I don't so much. It can be difficult to feel okay with this and not to feel worried that I am falling into complacency or something. But I have to stop those thoughts. For me, when the baby comes, life gets easier again. Truly it does. I hope it holds true this time. I haven't even had the easiest babies. But I get myself back and with it my energy. When I say "myself" I mean the very day or next day after birth, I feel myself again in ways that are difficult to explain. Simple things even just because of no longer coping with pregnancy. I get more of my personality back and verve for life. I wish I was one of the women who love to be pregnant. There are things I love about it and when I am not pregnant and I don't have a baby, life doesn't feel quite right. But pregnancy is not easy for me just considering the physical aspects. I have realized that pregnancy and parenting together at the same time is more difficult with each child. Not only that I have a young teenager in my care who has specific needs and then the young children with their own needs. It's hard to balance it all especially while pregnant. It is challenging to get time to rest or just time to unwind which I need now more than ever. The teenager wants to be up as late as me and JR and the young ones are up early enough and all may or may not nap or take a quiet time. I'm still trying to figure out how best to find a solution where I can find better balance for me. JR has had overtime and when not working has been building a garage. I know this weighs in on the situation.</span></div><div style="background-color: #fce5cd;"><br />
</div><div style="background-color: #fce5cd;"><span style="color: #741b47;">With all that said, I have had a surprise lately in that I picked up the book, The Shack having no idea what I was in for. By the end of it, it really moved me and I felt it conveyed some messages I needed to hear. It amazes me how the author was used to create such a unique work. Somehow the book left me with the feeling of hope in a different, new way specifically in regards to our human condition. Some of the classics I have been reading in particular, Imitation of Christ though inspiring and great to pray with, often leaves me feeling a bit of despair about this life and our quest for union with God. The Shack somehow uplifts the reader maybe to show that God truly comes to us and we don't have to try so hard to be perfect or reach for Him. Though one can't disregard the latter either. I didn't agree with everything in book. It isn't spiritual reading per say but a work of fiction but I take with me what helps me grow and know God. Amazing truths are present in that book that reaches so many people. I am also rereading parts that are particularly inspiring. I will share more about specific parts if I feel led. It was refreshing to read despite the tragedy part of the story which I hate tragedy. It has become increasingly difficult for me to find books worth my attention. I love historical fiction especially if based on known facts. I like other books as well but I wont read trashy novels or ones that are too worldly in general. I have felt God pulling me away from novels despite my love for reading. He is truly weaning me of many things. My life is very, very simple. Even my mom who is now <span style="background-color: #fce5cd;">living close by and offers her help to me sees that I don't have many needs for help. I just don't overextend our family with lots of busyness. Plus, living in a small town there isn't so much offered. I wish there was a bit more for the children and even for me. My 13 year old, AJ has difficulty finding things to do. I admit this drives me crazy. I try to help by giving a list, in particular for the summer but he still is bored. Today, I had to force it on him to choose something because I can allow so much hanging out and doing nothing or special privileges like movies and Xbox.</span></span><span style="background-color: #fce5cd;"> </span><span style="background-color: #fce5cd; color: #741b47;">Even if he spends a portion of his time doing work or chores, I still expect him to use his spare time well. AJ and I have different personalities. Our dynamic is not an easy one. I pray for an increase of love in regards to him. I care about his well-being but I often feel frustrated by him. </span><span style="background-color: #fce5cd;"><span style="color: #741b47;">Struggling with this relationship for the nine years of our marriage has not been easy on me and I know it's hard on him too and JR. I cling to God through it all. It keeps me humble. And I entrust AJ to God to make up for where I lack.</span></span></div>CHhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15979870758319845561noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6530499787764799576.post-48595513168392863472010-04-13T15:04:00.000-07:002010-04-13T15:04:34.993-07:00Girls, girls, girls and girlsLast week at my 20 week appointment, the ultrasound showed we were having a girl - another girl! I have since become used the reality that I am a momma to all these girls! What does God have in mind? Well, so far I have come to see that my job preparing my children for their Christian adult life will be easier when the majority of them are girls. AJ, my stepson is more than half raised and I am learning the joys and challenges of preparing a son for Christian adulthood. Is it just me, or are boys more inclined to media? I will find out in the years ahead though honestly I feel that I will have more opportunity to form my girls since I've had them from birth and also my role as their primary role model will make a difference. (Though I am not saying anything about JR and his role here.) Oh, and homeschooling will be a big difference. So many say to me that I will have my hands full when the girls are adolescent age (as Aidan is now with being 13.) But I feel that homeschooling will reduce the drama and I pray that the relationships between me and them will be loving, respectful and solid. I believe the relationships really could be all that. I have been blessed with such a wonderful connection with all my girls...my heart overflows. <br />
With this news of another girl and considering my advancing maternal age (now 37) I am unsure if we will have more children. In my heart, I still want to be open to having that boy of my own and to God's hand in creating life. Never, will I do anything artificial to prevent... But I am unclear of what my hearts' desire is. And that's okay right now. After all, I'm halfway through my current pregnancy and I don't have to decide. JR would be open either way and I guess I am too. Thinking about raising a household of girls is a special blessing. I have much to share with them all and I pray for the grace and energy to be all that I need to be for them. CHhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15979870758319845561noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6530499787764799576.post-55378898655100663542010-03-27T16:12:00.000-07:002010-03-27T16:12:44.240-07:00The Lord is kind and mercifulThe psalm has been going around in my head and I feel as if I've been floating because I just received news that the tumors (which were already removed a few days ago) were non-cancerous. It's that simple - there is no cancer. So, my dad is given a second chance at life though I know he is exhausted from his surgery and hospital stay and even from his chronic pain situation. But I pray that he wakes up and realizes what he's been given and that he can make a difference in his own quality of life. <br />
<br />
My brother, quickly tied the news to my dream I had a few weeks back when I really felt a lot of feelings deep down that this is gonna be it. I had begun grieving (already.) I prayed too mainly for God's mercy in whatever form. Then in the night, I had this dream that the test came back that the cancer was only in the bladder not beyond to the bladder wall or anywhere and that it would be a simple solution (which if it is only in the bladder, the solution would be simple.) Then just before I woke up, I was looking at the faces of all my children and I saw a boy and I wondered who it was but then knew it was BP and I saw him as he would be now almost 7 with lighter hair than the rest of mine and with dark rimmed blue eyes with some yellow tinges. He said to me, "I'm 4 + 3." That's all. When I woke up and realized what I dreamed, both dreams were a gift to me. I have never dreamed of BP before - ever! If he were alive he would be learning math and telling me about being 4 + 3 because it so like kids (my living children included) to talk about the age they will be next. I felt the dream told me that I should "settle down" and let things unfold without too much projection about what I think/feel is going to happen. I felt renewed hope that the tests could come back not so serious. I felt BP's presence in my dream was also a reassurance on that. But I realized anything could happen and I focused on letting go. My brother told dad the same about how amazing it is that the dream came true and that they both had tingles. I know I do and I'm praising God as is right to do! No one could have expected such good news! CHhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15979870758319845561noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6530499787764799576.post-78414025819162055732010-03-13T15:53:00.000-08:002010-03-13T15:53:35.989-08:00Blessings and crossesThere are moments that come very often where I am overwhelmed with love for my girls. I feel so blessed to be their mother. Though they are all young now about 20 months to just over 5 years old, they are such good girls and play so well. Some of the moms I talk to in my circles seem to struggle in their role as mother. In some cases, the children, though loved and quite normal, are difficult and fight with their siblings. This seems to be the norm. I feel like I can never tell others that I just don't have those issues with my children and that I don't really stuggle as a mom and that I don't relate. Even parenting articles in magazines and elsewhere seem to focus on the challenges. I wonder sometimes if I have been so blessed because I suffered so much in my early losses of my babies but then I know that even with that suffering, it doesn't make me more deserving. It's such a strange dichotomy because my experience parenting my stepson has been really a challenge. He is a good kid and I really mean it. But we are opposite in many ways and that brings out my worst at times whether I act on it or not or just feel it or think it. This situation is my cross to bear, I have come to find. How can motherhood be such a climatic experience of my life while at the same time be something that has been the hardest on my self esteem - I face my failings every day in regards to AJ. It certainly keeps me humble. There is love though and deep care and concern for his well-being and future. My challenge is to show him with affection and conversation. He is very social and is still receptive to hugs and such at 13. It's easy for me to show my love other ways but it's not enough without being soft and loving and without more quality time. This has actually been a lenten hope of mine to be more of this - even long before lent really. But especially during lent. Prayer helps - there is no question about it.<br />
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There is still a question of my dad's situation. His biopsy was delayed which causes me additional concern. But it's rescheduled for Tuesday. The Lord has been my comfort. At one point, I began grieving (already.) I prayed too mainly for God's mercy in whatever form. Then one night, I had this dream that the test came back that the cancer was only in the bladder not beyond to the bladder wall or anywhere and that it would be a simple solution (which if it is only in the bladder, the solution would be simple.) Then just before I woke up, I was looking at the faces of all my children and I saw a boy and I wondered who it was but then knew it was BP and I saw him as he would be now almost 7 with lighter hair than the rest of mine and with dark rimmed blue eyes with some yellow tinges. He said to me, "I'm 4 + 3." That's all. When I woke up and realized what I dreamed, both dreams were a gift to me. I have never dreamed of BP before - ever! I have never seen him in my dreams ever. If he were alive he would be learning math and tell me about being 4 + 3 because it so like kids (my living children included) to talk about the age they will be next. I felt the dream told me that I should "settle down" and let things unfold without too much projection about what I think/feel is going to happen. I feel renewed hope that the tests could come back not so serious. I feel BP's presence in my dream was also a reassurance on that. But I realize anything could happen and I am not to put so much weight on the actual outcome but on my feelings at present and letting go.CHhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15979870758319845561noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6530499787764799576.post-22139944484555944562010-02-16T15:13:00.000-08:002010-02-16T15:14:09.037-08:00Pregnancy and my dadI have found that I have been more fatigued these last weeks than ever before in any of my pregnancies so that is the main reason for my quietness here. Suddenly, I feel myself again which is amazing. I have been doing my best to keep up with the duties of life but some projects have had to go a bit slower. I had my first doctor appointment yesterday and the baby looks good. I saw my baby moving around quite a bit though it is quite little still being that I am only not even 12 weeks yet. <br />
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Late last week, my dad told me he has bladder cancer. He has had failing health for about a decade though he's only now in his early sixties. It all started with a heart attack and a quad bypass. He never healed correctly and so he has been living in chronic pain and was forced to retire early and receive disability. All of this has caused him anxiety and depression. He has not improved his habits. He has smoked all his life and continues to eat poorly. Despite his issues, we have a loving relationship and he adores his grandchildren and they love him. They are the light of his life. JR and him have a special way of relating too and have affection and care for one another. This new diagnosis is something very different though when I researched I found that the top cause is smoking which saddens me. Next week, he has a biopsy. I feel scared and conflicted. In my human self, I would like to see this be nothing serious at all though he has had blood in his urine since November! My spiritual self sees the possible value in the situation being complicated because my dad has many unresolved issues and he would maybe face them and turn to God. He tends to keep God at arms length from what I can tell. Additionally, I have been afraid of when he would die suddenly of another heart attack and that he would not be made ready or not come "see" God. If faced with illness instead, there would be time to prepare and it could be a great mercy. I leave him to the hands of God though it is one of the hardest things I've had to do. As I approach Lent, I feel led to offer up my sacrifices specifically for my dad that he would have Grace to be weaned from himself. We all need this. I am no exception and I pray that Lent will help to do the same. I feel God's presence since I have heard the news and I feel comforted.CHhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15979870758319845561noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6530499787764799576.post-81134195487485836792009-12-30T12:53:00.000-08:002009-12-30T12:53:28.899-08:00Blessed ChristmasJust as I sat to write, I saw five deer come across my line of site as they scampered down the street. Even though we live in town, we are on the edge of town and so we often see deer and sometimes wild turkeys. On Sunday, The Feast of the Holy Family, we discovered that we were blessed with a new life - I'm pregnant. This is my sixth pregnancy in seven years! It was a little earlier than we would've have planned but life is a miracle that I will never take for granted and we wanted more children. I recently read in the catechism the churches stand on family planning and I understand to read that a couple should never be "done" have children except for very good reasons. I suppose having more kids than one could handle or provide for could be considered a good reason however I think it's important not to stretch this for one's convenience. At the same time, I wonder if I will even get the family planning thing down or if I will be having children all the way up until menopause. I have had some adjustment to do (I'm still adjusting) to the idea of having another baby which will bring me once again this summer to having three children 3 1/2 and under though they will all be a bit older and I will have one other (MT) that will be 5 1/2. I wonder if I will attempt going places or having the older children in activities next fall. When I found out I was pregnant with JM (she is now almost 18 months) I wondered how I would do anything then but I found a way and I didn't do too much. The Lord has already been calling me to a family/home centered life for me and my children and maybe He is taking me another step into the simpler life - one that is not full of any or all of the "stuff" and "fluff." I have been thoughtful and a little melancholic, I will admit. But I also have joy. Could the mixed emotions have something to do with hormones or just the meaning of this new life to all of us? I haven't shared this news with my family yet which is really unlike me. I have only shared with two friends who are not much connected to anyone. It's ironic that I'm pregnant now because my project was just getting wrapped up -- and I will reveal now that is is a book about pregnancy for parents based on my own experiences -- and I guess I will have something to add with the happenings of this pregnancy. If all goes well (and I find I have to say this after loss) I will be the mom to many children and it changes my identity a bit. I wanted this identity but I wasn't quite there yet -- now, I guess I have to be and God will show me how to do it. I have to learn better how to do it all. I pray for grace. I pray for this little soul. Ofcourse, I long for a son but my focus is on a healthy baby and either gender is just fine. So I pray for a healthy pregnancy for the baby and for me as the mom. I need help from God for improved health and I'm sure any improvement will positively affect the pregnancy. I have been exercising regularly and I don't want to stop. I also hope to purify my diet with more whole foods. I don't want to experience that panic and anxiety again and more than that, a pregnancy loss. I lift it all up to the Lord who is the giver of all things.CHhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15979870758319845561noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6530499787764799576.post-79652385688771952342009-12-19T19:44:00.000-08:002009-12-19T19:44:26.435-08:00Reflection on Heaven<span style="color: teal; font-family: Georgia;">I have come to have great hope through losing my son, BP and my Baby H, that heaven will more than make up for what is lost in any relationship. Though I think, that heaven is more about God than about any relationships among the communion of the saints, but is that true really? It is a mystery. Somehow it is about God in His fullness <em><strong>and</strong></em> about relationships among the communion of saints in its fullness too which the latter is only because of God anyhow. Love, Love, Love. All Love comes from God and in heaven all will be clear and Love will flow without obstruction of sin, of time or of space. These things bring me peace and all will be revealed once I pass through this veil that sometimes drives me crazy! This world is for the insane and the "king of confusion" does his best to make that happen. By the Grace of God, we see clearly and fall away from the risk of insanity and life can be meaningful and at times, beautiful. </span>CHhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15979870758319845561noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6530499787764799576.post-80462157006547303542009-12-07T18:55:00.000-08:002012-01-07T12:01:01.031-08:00Practical musingsAs a mother of four, it can be challenging to balance the duties of life with the care of my children. I am preparing to homeschool the little ones as they get older. My oldest daughter, Milena who is almost 5 is learning her letter sounds. My son, Aidan is in public school but needs extra attention daily after school with his homework and to study. I am considering homeschooling him in the future but I want to make choices that make sense for him, our relationship and for the family as a whole. At present, I am working at finishing a book I'm writing. I have some other things that keep me busy too with my volunteer work. It's all about balance. Finding time to pray is critical to not losing my mind sometimes. It awes me how God has helped me. I pray that He will stretch my time so that I can get everything accomplished. I love my children and enjoy them and feel so blessed.CHhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15979870758319845561noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6530499787764799576.post-36324826698729345372009-11-13T19:52:00.000-08:002009-11-13T19:52:46.677-08:00Dying to selfThis seems to a theme in the messages I get when praying, reading scripture of doing my spiritual reading. I am coming to find that this will take a lifetime. I refuse to give up though every day I am faced with my self - living strong and true rather than being dead. I have great anticipation together with inspiration mixed with the temptation to despair that I will never overcome myself. It all comes down to grace. I pray for that grace to operate in me. With advent approaching I look forward to the opportunity to give up more for God. However, I have also been faced in the recent past with spiritual attacks against my progress during times when I attempted more. Perhaps I should just keep going along the way God is calling me but with increased commitment to prayer so that He can be alive in me. Prayer is the vehicle even in times of dryness. I guess I find myself sorting through my thoughts about this struggle. CHhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15979870758319845561noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6530499787764799576.post-12934242226708337242009-10-20T16:06:00.000-07:002009-10-20T16:06:45.333-07:00"Help me O Lord in my trouble, for worthless is the help of man." Ps 60:13Today, I faced temptation to speak with my SIL about a real ongoing struggle I am having with my MIL. I decided to stop and pray first before calling. It was my normal prayer time anyhow. I often pray with <i>Imitation of Christ</i>. I usually go in order from one lesson to the next. But this time, it opened to a section that started with the scripture quoted in the subject heading and was entitled, "On Not Being Too Credulous Knowing How Easily We Offend in Speech." It didn't take me long to realize that I would not be making that phone call and would instead turn the situation over to God in my time of prayer and ask for His insight and help. This section also spoke about offering up these temptations to God and how useful it is to resist our human tendencies to the cause of Christ. Later another scripture, Matt 10:36 is quoted: "a man's enemies are those of his own household." This was not coincidental. The author also cautions the reader about confiding in others and trusting them with secrets and that it is better to remain silent about situations concerning other people. I recently read something that used the phrase, "Divine Vision." Basically this is seeing things through God and His grace that comes in being close to Him. This includes our own failings, the faults of others, the stuggles of life etc. I have thought about it many times since I read about it. It also spoke about if we are close to God, we will better see the ways to help others in their struggles and also the more we become like God, that others will see God in us and grace will flow to others to change and be more like Him too. As I reflect today on Divine Vision and my own struggles, I feel comforted by the hope that God will continue to work in me, that His Grace will spread to others in my life and that He will give the sight which will enable me to help those close to me. In the meantime, I work at letting go.CHhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15979870758319845561noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6530499787764799576.post-73824884283108383462009-10-15T23:53:00.000-07:002009-10-21T14:35:03.271-07:00My story: Part 2<div style="background-color: #f3f3f3;"><span style="background-color: #f3f3f3;">We recently moved from my home state to JR's. His parents and his brother and family live here and we are now in the area not far from them all. I miss my own family who are mostly back in my home state especially since my dad has health problems and my brother is having children. </span>In the past few years, starting before the big move, I began experiencing a renewed relationship with the Lord. This mostly happened due to inter-denominational Bible Study groups using Beth Moore. The Bible really became alive for me and I understood "living word" in a whole new light. The studies have led me back into prayer and to my roots in contemplation. I now find that I am drawn to such classics as "Imitation of Christ" and "Cloud of Unknowing" and general Christian classics such as "God Calling" which I use in my prayer time.<br />
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</div><div style="background-color: #f3f3f3;">As for family life...it's definitely busy with three little girls and an older son. I have felt drawn to a more simpler life where I can be better focused on my husband and kids. Because of time spent with God everyday, I find that I am more able to handle the demands on my life and I am finding more balance. I recently have decided to home school my little children and am considering it for AJ. I plan to spend the next year getting equipped and doing some preliminary and basic forms of homeschooling in the meantime. I have peace about this decision. I want to spend the days with my children where I can offer them formation. I feel that school can challenge this process in our children where they are faced with too much unsupervised peer focused pressure and where little or no formation is offered. I want a family-focused family and not so much emphasis put on friends and activities. Having some friends and activities is healthy and good though.<br />
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I continue to love to cook and sometimes with a little Salsa music going. :) I am regular person who is pursuing God for Himself and for His Grace to flow in me and my household. I look forward to having a secret, safe place to share my daily musings, reflections, struggles and joys.<br />
</div>CHhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15979870758319845561noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6530499787764799576.post-61140900230694227702009-09-23T15:59:00.000-07:002009-09-23T15:59:08.560-07:00Novena to Therese of LisieuxI am starting a novena to St Therese today for the following intentions:<br />
<ul><li>For my first born daughter whose patron saint is Therese. I hope to have a celebration for her on October 1st (St Therese's day.)</li>
<li>For my dad who is suffering ill health and deep physical pain. I pray that he will find the Lord in the midst of his trials and for his healing in every way.</li>
<li>For my husband that he will seek the Lord in a deeper way.</li>
<li>For my own call to holiness and for grace to learn better to die to myself.</li>
</ul>Little Flower, please pray for me and offer my intentions before the Child Jesus.CHhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15979870758319845561noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6530499787764799576.post-4553005472863863032009-09-23T15:46:00.000-07:002009-10-21T14:31:04.550-07:00My story: Part 1<span style="background-color: #f3f3f3;"><span style="color: #4c1130;">I was born of two who only knew each other about two weeks when they were married by the Justice of the Peace. They became pregnant with me just a few months later. I was born premature likely as a result of my mom smoking which at that time was not taught to be harmful to the baby. I was okay though except for having to be kept in the hospital a short time. My mom was of Catholic background; my dad of protestant. My dad was active in his church and it wasn't long after I was born that mom went to dad's church and felt compelled to answer an "Altar Call." This was a life changing experience for her. She was suddenly able to quit smoking and knew it was the Grace of God. She began to pursue getting to God through the Bible and anything else she could get her hands on. She comments that she often would push me in my swing while reading. My dad never experienced this kind of faith as far as I know. He would go to church and be involved but it never seemed to transpire into a real relationship. As my mom sought to learn the Bible and the truths there, she found that she started having questions that seemed to lead to the Catholic Church teachings. She and my dad decided they would try going to Mass. It felt right to them both and when I was eight years old, my family became Catholic and my parents had their marriage blessed. As usual, dad found ways to get involved. My mom continued to grow and pursued her education in religious studies. Over the years, she was Director of Religious Education for a few different parishes. She also became a lay Carmelite following the spirituality of Saint John of the Cross and Teresa of Avila. Her faith was a gift to me. I would often go with her to her Carmelite meetings. But at the same time, I was a normal kid who caused my parents a good amount of headaches in the middle schools years. In high schoolI evened out and I felt the draw of God and decided to pursue joining Carmel as well. However, when I went to Catholic university, the director of our Carmelite chapter told me that I would not be able to continue to pursue my Carmelite vocation at that time since I would be out of the area. Not long after, I found myself drawn to religious life (though I was also naturally drawn to marriage and motherhood.) The particular order was a teaching Dominican order. I was drawn to the lives the community led and to the joy there. I visited a few times before deciding I would join. However, upon entering I did not feel the peace and grace I anticipated. Instead, I was a wreck and lasted there only five days. I was 21 at the time. I was in my own way worldly and it wasn't my true calling. <br />
</span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="background-color: #f3f3f3;"><span style="color: #4c1130;">I was then given the opportunity to go back to the Catholic university. Soon after, I learned that my parents were divorcing. This was not easy news. It was difficult too watching them struggle to get their bearings in their new reality. My mom was irrational and they both were depressed. My dad started to behave like a teenager and my mom entered into a serious relationship a little quicker than I could handle. She ended up living with her boyfriend which was a shock. She was still working for the church at the time too. They were married in the church </span></span><span style="background-color: #f3f3f3;"><span style="color: #4c1130;">just several months later </span></span><span style="background-color: #f3f3f3;"><span style="color: #4c1130;">(after the annulment of my parents marriage on grounds I am not sure of though I could guess a few things - still it in a way hard to accept to think that their marriage could be annulled especially to me being the child of their marriage.) I showed my support by standing up for my mom and her new husband. Not long after, my dad met who would be his future wife and they were married just about a year later. This period brought about a lot of change for me and I had to try to adjust. Even with the safe harbor of my Catholic university community, certain things and people began to have a negative influence on me. I entered a period where I liked to party. I left the Catholic school for a state school and eventually completed my degree. The Lord protected me during this time over and again in many ways. Thankfully I never experimented much with drugs but alcohol got me into my own share of trouble...and fun. I learned to Salsa dance and developed my ability to cook. I never fully turned my back on God during this time though - I guess it may be better to say that I still felt a longing for Him. My soul still felt His presence. In His great Mercy He would not let me go. After about five years of going around living mostly my own way, I felt something stir in me bringing me slowly back to Him. It wasn't too surprising then that I then met my future husband, JR. He is a man who not only shares my faith foundation but has similar spirituality and also similar life experience having had some joys and failures. He was just ending a failed marriage. He had full custody of his 2 year old boy. He was also experiencing God in a profound way at the time of meeting each other. We began to know one another and it appeared what we had was real. We were growing in God though both coming from having lived our own way for some time. Our dating time was rocky in terms of staying in God's grace but we would continually strive towards a life together in Christ and would seek reconciliation through Confession. We were married and I was an instant mother to his son, AJ. We also had to move across the state for a new job for JR. He lost that job several months later and then we moved back to my home state to work for parents and for him to get a job in his field. My job allowed me to work from home which was nice for having children. As much as I cared for my stepson, the dynamics were not easy for us. Thankfully he was only four when were married and for me that his natural mother was on the periphery of his life. Though my heart ached for him over his lost relationship with her and I wanted to do right by him and be the best I could be. My husband and I struggled through all of this. It was not an easy first year. </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="background-color: #f3f3f3;"><span style="color: #4c1130;">Shortly into the second year, we conceived and were elated. Everything went along as it should and was uneventful until the birth. Our son, BP was born with an umbilical cord issue and had to be revived. He lived six days before it was determined he was brain dead as a result of the umbilical cord accident. This was devastating to us. For the first time in my life, I questioned my faith and wondered if it was true that heaven exists and that Jesus was God. I asked for a sign. Within a few weeks, I experienced the familiar presence of God and it comforted me and gave me grace to believe with a new stronger faith. I had a long road ahead towards healing from my loss. Just six months after this loss, I miscarried a baby at 8 weeks gestation. Losing Baby H magnified my grief. I wondered if I would ever have a child of my own. However since we have been blessed with three little girls; MT, ER and JM. </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="background-color: #f3f3f3;"><span style="color: #4c1130;">As for my two sets of parents, during this period, I began to really know and love my step parents and recognize how good they were for our family. My brother also was married and has one little girl so far. JR's brother was married the same year we were and they have three children the same ages as our little girls. <br />
</span></span>CHhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15979870758319845561noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6530499787764799576.post-75946482943700481722009-09-11T10:12:00.000-07:002012-01-07T12:04:58.641-08:00September 11thWhile most (including me) today reflect on the day in 2001, I also remember my baby H who I miscarried this day in 2003. This was a difficult year for me though it marked the year that the Lord was calling me closer to him as an adult. In March of that year, I had lost my first born and only son to an accident at birth. This was very heartbreaking and trying for many weeks and months - even years to come. I struggled also with my faith and wondered if I ever would have a living child of my own. I was already raising my husband's son <i>A</i> who calls me mom. But I longed for a baby. Since then, I have been blessed with three beautiful girls, all three under five years old.<br />
<br />
My heart has been a little heavier this week as Baby H's day approached and how inevitably it raises feelings about both of my babies in heaven. But I choose today to rejoice in that I have two additional children to know for all eternity when I pass into the other world. I have come to believe that heaven will more than make up for what I have lost here on earth with my children who are not with me. What a consolation! Perhaps they will each be the baby, the child, and the adult I never knew when I am with them again. More importantly I will be with them amongst the communion of Saints praising God and in union with Him.CHhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15979870758319845561noreply@blogger.com