Pregnancy, parenting & The Shack

By His grace, I am getting through this period.  I say this because I'm finding that advanced pregnancy with caring for 4 kids is challenging.  I have felt fatigue since later in the 1st trimester but now it is that same fatigue but more deeply physical.  I also cannot multi-task as I usually can and hit a wall of frustration.  I'm giving myself room to not be perfect and be more needy where normally, I don't so much.  It can be difficult to feel okay with this and not to feel worried that I am falling into complacency or something.  But I have to stop those thoughts.  For me, when the baby comes, life gets easier again.  Truly it does.  I hope it holds true this time.  I haven't even had the easiest babies.  But I get myself back and with it my energy.  When I say "myself" I mean the very day or next day after birth, I feel myself again in ways that are difficult to explain.  Simple things even just because of no longer coping with pregnancy.  I get more of my personality back and verve for life.  I wish I was one of the women who love to be pregnant.  There are things I love about it and when I am not pregnant and I don't have a baby, life doesn't feel quite right.  But pregnancy is not easy for me just considering the physical aspects.  I have realized that pregnancy and parenting together at the same time is more difficult with each child.  Not only that I have a young teenager in my care who has specific needs and then the young children with their own needs.  It's hard to balance it all especially while pregnant.  It is challenging to get time to rest or just time to unwind which I need now more than ever.  The teenager wants to be up as late as me and JR and the young ones are up early enough and all may or may not nap or take a quiet time.  I'm still trying to figure out how best to find a solution where I can find better balance for me.  JR has had overtime and when not working has been building a garage.  I know this weighs in on the situation.

With all that said, I have had a surprise lately in that I picked up the book, The Shack having no idea what I was in for.   By the end of it, it really moved me and I felt it conveyed some messages I needed to hear.  It amazes me how the author was used to create such a unique work.  Somehow the book left me with the feeling of hope in a different, new way specifically in regards to our human condition.  Some of the classics I have been reading in particular, Imitation of Christ though inspiring and great to pray with, often leaves me feeling a bit of despair about this life and our quest for union with God.  The Shack somehow uplifts the reader maybe to show that God truly comes to us and we don't have to try so hard to be perfect or reach for Him.  Though one can't disregard the latter either.  I didn't agree with everything in book.  It isn't spiritual reading per say but a work of fiction but I take with me what helps me grow and know God.  Amazing truths are present in that book that reaches so many people.  I am also rereading parts that are particularly inspiring.  I will share more about specific parts if I feel led.  It was refreshing to read despite the tragedy part of the story which I hate tragedy.  It has become increasingly difficult for me to find books worth my attention.  I love historical fiction especially if based on known facts.  I like other books as well but I wont read trashy novels or ones that are too worldly in general.  I have felt God pulling me away from novels despite my love for reading.  He is truly weaning me of many things.  My life is very, very simple.  Even my mom who is now living close by and offers her help to me sees that I don't have many needs for help.  I just don't overextend our family with lots of busyness.  Plus, living in a small town there isn't so much offered.  I wish there was a bit more for the children and even for me.  My 13 year old, AJ has difficulty finding things to do.  I admit this drives me crazy.  I try to help by giving a list, in particular for the summer but he still is bored.  Today, I had to force it on him to choose something because I can allow so much hanging out and doing nothing or special privileges like movies and Xbox.  Even if he spends a portion of his time doing work or chores, I still expect him to use his spare time well.  AJ and I have different personalities.  Our dynamic is not an easy one.  I pray for an increase of love in regards to him.  I care about his well-being but I often feel frustrated by him.  Struggling with this relationship for the nine years of our marriage has not been easy on me and I know it's hard on him too and JR.  I cling to God through it all.  It keeps me humble.  And I entrust AJ to God to make up for where I lack.

Girls, girls, girls and girls

Last week at my 20 week appointment, the ultrasound showed we were having a girl - another girl!  I have since become used the reality that I am a momma to all these girls!  What does God have in mind?  Well, so far I have come to see that my job preparing my children for their Christian adult life will be easier when the majority of them are girls.  AJ, my stepson is more than half raised and I am learning the joys and challenges of preparing a son for Christian adulthood.  Is it just me, or are boys more inclined to media?  I will find out in the years ahead though honestly I feel that I will have more opportunity to form my girls since I've had them from birth and also my role as their primary role model will make a difference.  (Though I am not saying anything about JR and his role here.) Oh, and homeschooling will be a big difference.  So many say to me that I will have my hands full when the girls are adolescent age (as Aidan is now with being 13.)  But I feel that homeschooling will reduce the drama and I pray that the relationships between me and them will be loving, respectful and solid.  I believe the relationships really could be all that.  I have been blessed with such a wonderful connection with all my girls...my heart overflows. 
With this news of another girl and considering my advancing maternal age (now 37) I am unsure if we will have more children.  In my heart, I still want to be open to having that boy of my own and to God's hand in creating life.  Never, will I do anything artificial to prevent...  But I am unclear of what my hearts' desire is.  And that's okay right now.  After all, I'm halfway through my current pregnancy and I don't have to decide.  JR would be open either way and I guess I am too.  Thinking about raising a household of girls is a special blessing.  I have much to share with them all and I pray for the grace and energy to be all that I need to be for them. 

The Lord is kind and merciful

The psalm has been going around in my head and I feel as if I've been floating because I just received news that the tumors (which were already removed a few days ago) were non-cancerous.  It's that simple - there is no cancer.  So, my dad is given a second chance at life though I know he is exhausted from his surgery and hospital stay and even from his chronic pain situation.  But I pray that he wakes up and realizes what he's been given and that he can make a difference in his own quality of life.

My brother, quickly tied the news to my dream I had a few weeks back when I really felt a lot of feelings deep down that this is gonna be it.  I had begun grieving (already.)  I prayed too mainly for God's mercy in whatever form.  Then in the night, I had this dream that the test came back that the cancer was only in the bladder not beyond to the bladder wall or anywhere and that it would be a simple solution (which if it is only in the bladder, the solution would be simple.)  Then just before I woke up, I was looking at the faces of all my children and I saw a boy and I wondered who it was but then knew it was BP and I saw him as he would be now almost 7 with lighter hair than the rest of mine and with dark rimmed blue eyes with some yellow tinges.  He said to me, "I'm 4 + 3."  That's all.  When I woke up and realized what I dreamed, both dreams were a gift to me.  I have never dreamed of BP before - ever!  If he were alive he would be learning math and telling me about being 4 + 3 because it so like kids (my living children included) to talk about the age they will be next.  I felt the dream told me that I should "settle down" and let things unfold without too much projection about what I think/feel is going to happen.  I felt renewed hope that the tests could come back not so serious.  I felt BP's presence in my dream was also a reassurance on that.  But I realized anything could happen and I focused on letting go.    My brother told dad the same about how amazing it is that the dream came true and that they both had tingles.  I know I do and I'm praising God as is right to do!  No one could have expected such good news! 

Blessings and crosses

There are moments that come very often where I am overwhelmed with love for my girls.  I feel so blessed to be their mother.  Though they are all young now about 20 months to just over 5 years old, they are such good girls and play so well.  Some of the moms I talk to in my circles seem to struggle in their role as mother.  In some cases, the children, though loved and quite normal, are difficult and fight with their siblings.  This seems to be the norm.  I feel like I can never tell others that I just don't have those issues with my children and that I don't really stuggle as a mom and that I don't relate.  Even parenting articles in magazines and elsewhere seem to focus on the challenges.  I wonder sometimes if I have been so blessed because I suffered so much in my early losses of my babies but then I know that even with that suffering, it doesn't make me more deserving.  It's such a strange dichotomy because my experience parenting my stepson has been really a challenge.  He is a good kid and I really mean it.  But we are opposite in many ways and that brings out my worst at times whether I act on it or not or just feel it or think it.  This situation is my cross to bear, I have come to find.  How can motherhood be such a climatic experience of my life while at the same time be something that has been the hardest on my self esteem - I face my failings every day in regards to AJ.  It certainly keeps me humble.  There is love though and deep care and concern for his well-being and future.  My challenge is to show him with affection and conversation.  He is very social and is still receptive to hugs and such at 13.  It's easy for me to show my love other ways but it's not enough without being soft and loving and without more quality time.  This has actually been a lenten hope of mine to be more of this - even long before lent really.  But especially during lent.  Prayer helps - there is no question about it.

There is still a question of my dad's situation.  His biopsy was delayed which causes me additional concern.  But it's rescheduled for Tuesday.  The Lord has been my comfort.  At one point, I began grieving (already.)  I prayed too mainly for God's mercy in whatever form.  Then one night, I had this dream that the test came back that the cancer was only in the bladder not beyond to the bladder wall or anywhere and that it would be a simple solution (which if it is only in the bladder, the solution would be simple.)  Then just before I woke up, I was looking at the faces of all my children and I saw a boy and I wondered who it was but then knew it was BP and I saw him as he would be now almost 7 with lighter hair than the rest of mine and with dark rimmed blue eyes with some yellow tinges.  He said to me, "I'm 4 + 3."  That's all.  When I woke up and realized what I dreamed, both dreams were a gift to me.  I have never dreamed of BP before - ever!  I have never seen him in my dreams ever.   If he were alive he would be learning math and tell me about being 4 + 3 because it so like kids (my living children included) to talk about the age they will be next.  I felt the dream told me that I should "settle down" and let things unfold without too much projection about what I think/feel is going to happen.  I feel renewed hope that the tests could come back not so serious.  I feel BP's presence in my dream was also a reassurance on that.  But I realize anything could happen and I am not to put so much weight on the actual outcome but on my feelings at present and letting go.

Pregnancy and my dad

I have found that I have been more fatigued these last weeks than ever before in any of my pregnancies so that is the main reason for my quietness here.  Suddenly, I feel myself again which is amazing.  I have been doing my best to keep up with the duties of life but some projects have had to go a bit slower.  I had my first doctor appointment yesterday and the baby looks good.  I saw my baby moving around quite a bit though it is quite little still being that I am only not even 12 weeks yet. 

Late last week, my dad told me he has bladder cancer.  He has had failing health for about a decade though he's only now in his early sixties.  It all started with a heart attack and a quad bypass.  He never healed correctly and so he has been living in chronic pain and was forced to retire early and receive disability.  All of this has caused him anxiety and depression.  He has not improved his habits.  He has smoked all his life and continues to eat poorly.  Despite his issues, we have a loving relationship and he adores his grandchildren and they love him.  They are the light of his life.  JR and him have a special way of relating too and have affection and care for one another.  This new diagnosis is something very different though when I researched I found that the top cause is smoking which saddens me.  Next week, he has a biopsy.  I feel scared and conflicted.  In my human self, I would like to see this be nothing serious at all though he has had blood in his urine since November!  My spiritual self sees the possible value in the situation being complicated because my dad has many unresolved issues and he would maybe face them and turn to God.  He tends to keep God at arms length from what I can tell.  Additionally, I have been afraid of when he would die suddenly of another heart attack and that he would not be made ready or not come "see" God.  If faced with illness instead, there would be time to prepare and it could be a great mercy.  I leave him to the hands of God though it is one of the hardest things I've had to do.  As I approach Lent, I feel led to offer up my sacrifices specifically for my dad that he would have Grace to be weaned from himself.  We all need this.  I am no exception and I pray that Lent will help to do the same.  I feel God's presence since I have heard the news and I feel comforted.