Blessed Christmas

Just as I sat to write, I saw five deer come across my line of site as they scampered down the street.  Even though we live in town, we are on the edge of town and so we often see deer and sometimes wild turkeys. On Sunday, The Feast of the Holy Family, we discovered that we were blessed with a new life - I'm pregnant.  This is my sixth pregnancy in seven years!  It was a little earlier than we would've have planned but life is a miracle that I will never take for granted and we wanted more children.  I recently read in the catechism the churches stand on family planning and I understand to read that a couple should never be "done" have children except for very good reasons.  I suppose having more kids than one could handle or provide for could be considered a good reason however I think it's important not to stretch this for one's convenience.  At the same time, I wonder if I will even get the family planning thing down or if I will be having children all the way up until menopause.  I have had some adjustment to do (I'm still adjusting) to the idea of having another baby which will bring me once again this summer to having three children 3 1/2 and under though they will all be a bit older and I will have one other (MT) that will be 5 1/2.  I wonder if I will attempt going places or having the older children in activities next fall.  When I found out I was pregnant with JM (she is now almost 18 months) I wondered how I would do anything then but I found a way and I didn't do too much.  The Lord has already been calling me to a family/home centered life for me and my children and maybe He is taking me another step into the simpler life - one that is not full of any or all of the "stuff" and "fluff."  I have been thoughtful and a little melancholic, I will admit.  But I also have joy.  Could the mixed emotions have something to do with hormones or just the meaning of this new life to all of us?  I haven't shared this news with my family yet which is really unlike me.  I have only shared with two friends who are not much connected to anyone.  It's ironic that I'm pregnant now because my project was just getting wrapped up -- and I will reveal now that is is a book about pregnancy for parents based on my own experiences -- and I guess I will have something to add with the happenings of this pregnancy.  If all goes well (and I find I have to say this after loss) I will be the mom to many children and it changes my identity a bit.  I wanted this identity but I wasn't quite there yet -- now, I guess I have to be and God will show me how to do it.  I have to learn better how to do it all.  I pray for grace.  I pray for this little soul.  Ofcourse, I long for a son but my focus is on a healthy baby and either gender is just fine.  So I pray for a healthy pregnancy for the baby and for me as the mom.  I need help from God for improved health and I'm sure any improvement will positively affect the pregnancy.  I have been exercising regularly and I don't want to stop.  I also hope to purify my diet with more whole foods.  I don't want to experience that panic and anxiety again and more than that, a pregnancy loss.  I lift it all up to the Lord who is the giver of all things.

Reflection on Heaven

I have come to have great hope through losing my son, BP and my Baby H, that heaven will more than make up for what is lost in any relationship.  Though I think, that heaven is more about God than about any relationships among the communion of the saints, but is that true really?  It is a mystery.  Somehow it is about God in His fullness and about relationships among the communion of saints in its fullness too which the latter is only because of God anyhow.  Love, Love, Love.  All Love comes from God and in heaven all will be clear and Love will flow without obstruction of sin, of time or of space.  These things bring me peace and all will be revealed once I pass through this veil that sometimes drives me crazy!  This world is for the insane and the "king of confusion" does his best to make that happen.  By the Grace of God, we see clearly and fall away from the risk of insanity and life can be meaningful and at times, beautiful. 

Practical musings

As a mother of four, it can be challenging to balance the duties of life with the care of my children.  I am preparing to homeschool the little ones as they get older.  My oldest daughter, Milena who is almost 5 is learning her letter sounds.  My son, Aidan is in public school but needs extra attention daily after school with his homework and to study.  I am considering homeschooling him in the future but I want to make choices that make sense for him, our relationship and for the family as a whole.  At present, I am working at finishing a book I'm writing.  I have some other things that keep me busy too with my volunteer work.  It's all about balance.  Finding time to pray is critical to not losing my mind sometimes.  It awes me how God has helped me.  I pray that He will stretch my time so that I can get everything accomplished.  I love my children and enjoy them and feel so blessed.