Blessings and crosses

There are moments that come very often where I am overwhelmed with love for my girls.  I feel so blessed to be their mother.  Though they are all young now about 20 months to just over 5 years old, they are such good girls and play so well.  Some of the moms I talk to in my circles seem to struggle in their role as mother.  In some cases, the children, though loved and quite normal, are difficult and fight with their siblings.  This seems to be the norm.  I feel like I can never tell others that I just don't have those issues with my children and that I don't really stuggle as a mom and that I don't relate.  Even parenting articles in magazines and elsewhere seem to focus on the challenges.  I wonder sometimes if I have been so blessed because I suffered so much in my early losses of my babies but then I know that even with that suffering, it doesn't make me more deserving.  It's such a strange dichotomy because my experience parenting my stepson has been really a challenge.  He is a good kid and I really mean it.  But we are opposite in many ways and that brings out my worst at times whether I act on it or not or just feel it or think it.  This situation is my cross to bear, I have come to find.  How can motherhood be such a climatic experience of my life while at the same time be something that has been the hardest on my self esteem - I face my failings every day in regards to AJ.  It certainly keeps me humble.  There is love though and deep care and concern for his well-being and future.  My challenge is to show him with affection and conversation.  He is very social and is still receptive to hugs and such at 13.  It's easy for me to show my love other ways but it's not enough without being soft and loving and without more quality time.  This has actually been a lenten hope of mine to be more of this - even long before lent really.  But especially during lent.  Prayer helps - there is no question about it.

There is still a question of my dad's situation.  His biopsy was delayed which causes me additional concern.  But it's rescheduled for Tuesday.  The Lord has been my comfort.  At one point, I began grieving (already.)  I prayed too mainly for God's mercy in whatever form.  Then one night, I had this dream that the test came back that the cancer was only in the bladder not beyond to the bladder wall or anywhere and that it would be a simple solution (which if it is only in the bladder, the solution would be simple.)  Then just before I woke up, I was looking at the faces of all my children and I saw a boy and I wondered who it was but then knew it was BP and I saw him as he would be now almost 7 with lighter hair than the rest of mine and with dark rimmed blue eyes with some yellow tinges.  He said to me, "I'm 4 + 3."  That's all.  When I woke up and realized what I dreamed, both dreams were a gift to me.  I have never dreamed of BP before - ever!  I have never seen him in my dreams ever.   If he were alive he would be learning math and tell me about being 4 + 3 because it so like kids (my living children included) to talk about the age they will be next.  I felt the dream told me that I should "settle down" and let things unfold without too much projection about what I think/feel is going to happen.  I feel renewed hope that the tests could come back not so serious.  I feel BP's presence in my dream was also a reassurance on that.  But I realize anything could happen and I am not to put so much weight on the actual outcome but on my feelings at present and letting go.