Blessed Christmas

Just as I sat to write, I saw five deer come across my line of site as they scampered down the street.  Even though we live in town, we are on the edge of town and so we often see deer and sometimes wild turkeys. On Sunday, The Feast of the Holy Family, we discovered that we were blessed with a new life - I'm pregnant.  This is my sixth pregnancy in seven years!  It was a little earlier than we would've have planned but life is a miracle that I will never take for granted and we wanted more children.  I recently read in the catechism the churches stand on family planning and I understand to read that a couple should never be "done" have children except for very good reasons.  I suppose having more kids than one could handle or provide for could be considered a good reason however I think it's important not to stretch this for one's convenience.  At the same time, I wonder if I will even get the family planning thing down or if I will be having children all the way up until menopause.  I have had some adjustment to do (I'm still adjusting) to the idea of having another baby which will bring me once again this summer to having three children 3 1/2 and under though they will all be a bit older and I will have one other (MT) that will be 5 1/2.  I wonder if I will attempt going places or having the older children in activities next fall.  When I found out I was pregnant with JM (she is now almost 18 months) I wondered how I would do anything then but I found a way and I didn't do too much.  The Lord has already been calling me to a family/home centered life for me and my children and maybe He is taking me another step into the simpler life - one that is not full of any or all of the "stuff" and "fluff."  I have been thoughtful and a little melancholic, I will admit.  But I also have joy.  Could the mixed emotions have something to do with hormones or just the meaning of this new life to all of us?  I haven't shared this news with my family yet which is really unlike me.  I have only shared with two friends who are not much connected to anyone.  It's ironic that I'm pregnant now because my project was just getting wrapped up -- and I will reveal now that is is a book about pregnancy for parents based on my own experiences -- and I guess I will have something to add with the happenings of this pregnancy.  If all goes well (and I find I have to say this after loss) I will be the mom to many children and it changes my identity a bit.  I wanted this identity but I wasn't quite there yet -- now, I guess I have to be and God will show me how to do it.  I have to learn better how to do it all.  I pray for grace.  I pray for this little soul.  Ofcourse, I long for a son but my focus is on a healthy baby and either gender is just fine.  So I pray for a healthy pregnancy for the baby and for me as the mom.  I need help from God for improved health and I'm sure any improvement will positively affect the pregnancy.  I have been exercising regularly and I don't want to stop.  I also hope to purify my diet with more whole foods.  I don't want to experience that panic and anxiety again and more than that, a pregnancy loss.  I lift it all up to the Lord who is the giver of all things.

Reflection on Heaven

I have come to have great hope through losing my son, BP and my Baby H, that heaven will more than make up for what is lost in any relationship.  Though I think, that heaven is more about God than about any relationships among the communion of the saints, but is that true really?  It is a mystery.  Somehow it is about God in His fullness and about relationships among the communion of saints in its fullness too which the latter is only because of God anyhow.  Love, Love, Love.  All Love comes from God and in heaven all will be clear and Love will flow without obstruction of sin, of time or of space.  These things bring me peace and all will be revealed once I pass through this veil that sometimes drives me crazy!  This world is for the insane and the "king of confusion" does his best to make that happen.  By the Grace of God, we see clearly and fall away from the risk of insanity and life can be meaningful and at times, beautiful. 

Practical musings

As a mother of four, it can be challenging to balance the duties of life with the care of my children.  I am preparing to homeschool the little ones as they get older.  My oldest daughter, Milena who is almost 5 is learning her letter sounds.  My son, Aidan is in public school but needs extra attention daily after school with his homework and to study.  I am considering homeschooling him in the future but I want to make choices that make sense for him, our relationship and for the family as a whole.  At present, I am working at finishing a book I'm writing.  I have some other things that keep me busy too with my volunteer work.  It's all about balance.  Finding time to pray is critical to not losing my mind sometimes.  It awes me how God has helped me.  I pray that He will stretch my time so that I can get everything accomplished.  I love my children and enjoy them and feel so blessed.

Dying to self

This seems to a theme in the messages I get when praying, reading scripture of doing my spiritual reading.  I am coming to find that this will take a lifetime.  I refuse to give up though every day I am faced with my self - living strong and true rather than being dead.  I have great anticipation together with inspiration mixed with the temptation to despair that I will never overcome myself.  It all comes down to grace.  I pray for that grace to operate in me.  With advent approaching I look forward to the opportunity to give up more for God.  However, I have also been faced in the recent past with spiritual attacks against my progress during times when I attempted more.  Perhaps I should just keep going along the way God is calling me but with increased commitment to prayer so that He can be alive in me.  Prayer is the vehicle even in times of dryness.  I guess I find myself sorting through my thoughts about this struggle.   

"Help me O Lord in my trouble, for worthless is the help of man." Ps 60:13

Today, I faced temptation to speak with my SIL about a real ongoing struggle I am having with my MIL.  I decided to stop and pray first before calling.  It was my normal prayer time anyhow.  I often pray with Imitation of Christ.  I usually go in order from one lesson to the next.  But this time, it opened to a section that started with the scripture quoted in the subject heading and was entitled, "On Not Being Too Credulous Knowing How Easily We Offend in Speech."  It didn't take me long to realize that I would not be making that phone call and would instead turn the situation over to God in my time of prayer  and ask for His insight and help. This section also spoke about offering up these temptations to God and how useful it is to resist our human tendencies to the cause of Christ.  Later another scripture, Matt 10:36 is quoted: "a man's enemies are those of his own household."  This was not coincidental.  The author also cautions the reader about confiding in others and trusting them with secrets and that it is better to remain silent about situations concerning other people.  I recently read something that used the phrase, "Divine Vision."  Basically this is seeing things through God and His grace that comes in being close to Him.  This includes our own failings, the faults of others, the stuggles of life etc.  I have thought about it many times since I read about it.  It also spoke about if we are close to God, we will better see the ways to help others in their struggles and also the more we become like God, that others will see God in us and  grace will flow to others to change and be more like Him too.  As I reflect today on Divine Vision and my own struggles, I feel comforted by the hope that God will continue to work in me, that His Grace will spread to others in my life and that He will give the sight which will enable me to help those close to me.  In the meantime, I work at letting go.

My story: Part 2

We recently moved from my home state to JR's.  His parents and his brother and family live here and we are now in the area not far from them all.  I miss my own family who are mostly back in my home state especially since my dad has health problems and my brother is having children.  In the past few years, starting before the big move, I began experiencing a renewed relationship with the Lord.  This mostly happened due to inter-denominational Bible Study groups using Beth Moore.  The Bible really became alive for me and I understood "living word" in a whole new light.  The studies have led me back into prayer and to my roots in contemplation.  I now find that I am drawn to such classics as "Imitation of Christ" and "Cloud of Unknowing" and general Christian classics such as "God Calling" which I use in my prayer time.

As for family life...it's definitely busy with three little girls and an older son.  I have felt drawn to a more simpler life where I can be better focused on my husband and kids.  Because of time spent with God everyday, I find that I am more able to handle the demands on my life and I am finding more balance.  I recently have decided to home school my little children and am considering it for AJ.  I plan to spend the next year getting equipped and doing some preliminary and basic forms of homeschooling in the meantime.  I have peace about this decision.  I want to spend the days with my children where I can offer them formation.  I feel that school can challenge this process in our children where they are faced with too much unsupervised peer focused pressure and where little or no formation is offered.   I want a family-focused family and not so much emphasis put on friends and activities.  Having some friends and activities is healthy and good though.

I continue to love to cook and sometimes with a little Salsa music going.  :)  I am regular person who is pursuing God for Himself and for His Grace to flow in me and my household.  I look forward to having a secret, safe place to share my daily musings, reflections, struggles and joys.

Novena to Therese of Lisieux

I am starting a novena to St Therese today for the following intentions:

• For my first born daughter whose patron saint is Therese.  I hope to have a celebration for her on October 1st (St Therese's day.)
• For my dad who is suffering ill health and deep physical pain.  I pray that he will find the Lord in the midst of his trials and for his healing in every way.
• For my husband that he will seek the Lord in a deeper way.
• For my own call to holiness and for grace to learn better to die to myself.

Little Flower, please pray for me and offer my intentions before the Child Jesus.

My story: Part 1

I was born of two who only knew each other about two weeks when they were married by the Justice of the Peace.  They became pregnant with me just a few months later.  I was born premature likely as a result of my mom smoking which at that time was not taught to be harmful to the baby.  I was okay though except for having to be kept in the hospital a short time.  My mom was of Catholic background; my dad of protestant.  My dad was active in his church and it wasn't long after I was born that mom went to dad's church and felt compelled to answer an "Altar Call."  This was a life changing experience for her.  She was suddenly able to quit smoking and knew it was the Grace of God.  She began to pursue getting to God through the Bible and anything else she could get her hands on.  She comments that she often would push me in my swing while reading.  My dad never experienced this kind of faith as far as I know.  He would go to church and be involved but it never seemed to transpire into a real relationship.  As my mom sought to learn the Bible and the truths there, she found that she started having questions that seemed to lead to the Catholic Church teachings.   She and my dad decided they would try going to Mass.  It felt right to them both and when I was eight years old, my family became Catholic and my parents had their marriage blessed.  As usual, dad found ways to get involved.  My mom continued to grow and pursued her education in religious studies.  Over the years, she was Director of Religious Education for a few different parishes.  She also became a lay Carmelite following the spirituality of Saint John of the Cross and Teresa of Avila.  Her faith was a gift to me.  I would often go with her to her Carmelite meetings.  But at the same time, I was a normal kid who caused my parents a good amount of headaches in the middle schools years.  In high schoolI evened out and I felt the draw of God and decided to pursue joining Carmel as well.  However, when I went to Catholic university, the director of our Carmelite chapter told me that I would not be able to continue to pursue my Carmelite vocation at that time since I would be out of the area.  Not long after, I found myself drawn to religious life (though I was also naturally drawn to marriage and motherhood.)  The particular order was a teaching Dominican order. I was drawn to the lives the community led and to the joy there.  I visited a few times before deciding I would join.  However, upon entering I did not feel the peace and grace I anticipated.  Instead, I was a wreck and lasted there only five days.  I was 21 at the time.  I was in my own way worldly and it wasn't my true calling. 


I was then given the opportunity to go back to the Catholic university.  Soon after, I learned that my parents were divorcing.  This was not easy news.  It was difficult too watching them struggle to get their bearings in their new reality.  My mom was irrational and they both were depressed.  My dad started to behave like a teenager and my mom entered into a serious relationship a little quicker than I could handle.  She ended up living with her boyfriend which was a shock.  She was still working for the church at the time too.  They were married in the church just several months later (after the annulment of my parents marriage on grounds I am not sure of though I could guess a few things - still it in a way hard to accept to think that their marriage could be annulled especially to me being the child of their marriage.)  I showed my support by standing up for my mom and her new husband.  Not long after, my dad met who would be his future wife and they were married just about a year later.  This period brought about a lot of change for me and I had to try to adjust.  Even with the safe harbor of my Catholic university community, certain things and people began to have a negative influence on me.  I entered a period where I liked to party.  I left the Catholic school for a state school and eventually completed my degree.  The Lord protected me during this time over and again in many ways.  Thankfully I never experimented much with drugs but alcohol got me into my own share of trouble...and fun.  I learned to Salsa dance and developed my ability to cook.  I never fully turned my back on God during this time though - I guess it may be better to say that I still felt a longing for Him.  My soul still felt His presence.  In His great Mercy He would not let me go.  After about five years of going around living mostly my own way, I felt something stir in me bringing me slowly back to Him.  It wasn't too surprising then that I then met my future husband, JR.  He is a man who not only shares my faith foundation but has similar spirituality and also similar life experience having had some joys and failures.  He was just ending a failed marriage.  He had full custody of his 2 year old boy.  He was also experiencing God in a profound way at the time of meeting each other.  We began to know one another and it appeared what we had was real.  We were growing in God though both coming from having lived our own way for some time.  Our dating time was rocky in terms of staying in God's grace but we would continually strive towards a life together in Christ and would seek reconciliation through Confession.  We were married and I was an instant mother to his son, AJ.  We also had to move across the state for a new job for JR.  He lost that job several months later and then we moved back to my home state to work for parents and for him to get a job in his field.  My job allowed me to work from home which was nice for having children.  As much as I cared for my stepson, the dynamics were not easy for us.  Thankfully he was only four when were married and for me that his natural mother was on the periphery of his life.  Though my heart ached for him over his lost relationship with her and I wanted to do right by him and be the best I could be.  My husband and I struggled through all of this.  It was not an easy first year.  

Shortly into the second year, we conceived and were elated.  Everything went along as it should and was uneventful until the birth.  Our son, BP was born with an umbilical cord issue and had to be revived.  He lived six days before it was determined he was brain dead as a result of the umbilical cord accident.  This was devastating to us.  For the first time in my life, I questioned my faith and wondered if it was true that heaven exists and that Jesus was God.  I asked for a sign.  Within a few weeks, I experienced the familiar presence of God and it comforted me and gave me grace to believe with a new stronger faith.  I had a long road ahead towards healing from my loss.  Just six months after this loss, I miscarried a baby at 8 weeks gestation.  Losing Baby H magnified my grief.  I wondered if I would ever have a child of my own.  However since we have been blessed with three little girls; MT, ER and JM.  

As for my two sets of parents, during this period, I began to really know and love my step parents and recognize how good they were for our family.  My brother also was married and has one little girl so far.  JR's brother was married the same year we were and they have three children the same ages as our little girls.  

September 11th

While most (including me) today reflect on the day in 2001, I also remember my baby H who I miscarried this day in 2003.  This was a difficult year for me though it marked the year that the Lord was calling me closer to him as an adult. In March of that year, I had lost my first born and only son to an accident at birth.  This was very heartbreaking and trying for many weeks and months - even years to come.  I struggled also with my faith and wondered if I ever would have a living child of my own.  I was already raising my husband's son A who calls me mom.  But I longed for a baby.  Since then, I have been blessed with three beautiful girls, all three under five years old.

My heart has been a little heavier this week as Baby H's day approached and how inevitably it raises feelings about both of my babies in heaven.  But I choose today to rejoice in that I have two additional children to know for all eternity when I pass into the other world.  I have come to believe that heaven will more than make up for what I have lost here on earth with my children who are not with me.  What a consolation!  Perhaps they will each be the baby, the child, and the adult I never knew when I am with them again.  More importantly I will be with them amongst the communion of Saints praising God and in union with Him.

Introduction

I choose to post anonymously so as not to take credit for the work the Lord is doing in my life and similarly to to avoid judgement whether good or bad on myself or my life.  Similarly, I don't intend this blog to be one where the comments and replying to comments is the focus.  Perhaps, I will change my mind later.  But those visiting the blog can contact me if there is something they would like to say or share.  I am not an expert on Church teaching though am familiar with much of it.   I seek the truth and so welcome corrections if something in any of my posts is incorrect.  My hope is that others might be inspired by what is shared here from my life which is being molded by God.  As with anyone, I experience daily progresses and failures.  I struggle and I hope as I cling to the Lord.

Blessings,
CH