Trials and Grace

This Lent has been both incredibly blessed so far while at the same time there have been some emerging trials - almost brewing under the surface.  The main part of this trial is long standing though it can come in varying degrees and then go and come back.  It has to do with dynamics in the home and unresolved issues about what it means to have family time and how to use spare time.  I would guess many relate to this to some degree.  I can only imagine the peace that would come with a firm understanding among family members on this issue.  I know some households have achieved this.  I would think it comes with communication and commitment.  Though my husband, JR and I are fortunate to be "equally yoked" we are not always at the same place at the same time.  Right  now, he wants to hang on to some of the superficial things in life more than I do.  I don't mind these things but in smaller doses though.  The hard part is his 15 year old son AJ, my stepson who lives with us follows suit with his dad whenever they're home together.  This can wear on my spirit.  But after some mounting tension and then conflict over the weekend and feeling broken about things, the Lord showed me to have greater tolerance during this season of life.  That's right, it is just a season.  Perhaps we will have more ability to come to an agreement about things for our family and our son and how time is spent but until then, I need to struggle through those irritating times and either draw the line or have tolerance.  I have tended to isolate myself and do my own thing during these times.  JR has noticed this and has felt his own tension rising towards me as a result.  So I also feel that I need to try to be present and perhaps affect change that way (hopefully in a positive way) rather than doing what I have been doing.  The tension steals my joy and it breaks my heart to think that the whole thing and myself included contributes to disharmony and hurt in the home.  Unfortunately, how AJ spends his time has been an issue for me since we have been a family.  He has no sibling in his age range to play with though he does pretty great with his sisters.  He is sometimes bossy and says things that are inappropriate but that can be very normal.  I have tried through the years especially when J was on the road for his job and I was home alone with him to have game night and to invite friends over for him to play with.  But that can only do so much.  He has not been into sports though he did go out for football this last fall.  Because of his personality and his trouble in being productive in play or activity, it has caused tension in me through the years and I am sure it has burdened him too which breaks my heart.  I have been crying out to God to help me overcome this tension - to love better.  It is so hard.  In the early years, I was depressed about it.  It was difficult seeing my own powerlessness.  I had to choose love day after day.  I care so much about AJ's well being.  In that way, I am a good mom and I give him a spiritual foundation and try to offer him a balanced life.  I know he appreciates and we have come a long way.  In fact, I am committed to homeschooling him next year unless there is a huge change for him at high school.  I would have never thought this would happen because he is so social and he needs something outside of the home to fill that need.  But highschool is not a positive experience for him.  He wants me to homeschool him and has for some time.  I told him I would if he had something else, like a job or sports.  I dont want him to be bored here at home and have no interaction with others.  But I think that it could work out if he has something else.  I feel optimistic and that says a lot considering our history.  So God is obviously doing some great things.  I enjoy him, he's a good, handsome boy who's coming into manhood.  I need to tell him more that I'm proud of him and that I love him.  I fail at this and again, this breaks my heart but I know today it can change and improve with God's grace.  If anyone has comments about this or insight or suggestions, please feel free to email me.  I may post it to the site if I feel so led and if I obtain your permission. I do ask for prayers. On a side note, there have been many ways the Lord has been working and I will share more in my next post.  Praise Him!

The Lord's mercy and help

I realized yesterday that it has been awhile again since I last posted.  Honestly, life with five kids makes me forgetful.  Somehow, I manage to not forget for long and keep up with what is going on around here but I am less able to be thinking of everything so thoroughly and things come up and surprise me more.  Then I thank God and my Guardian Angel that I didn't forget all-together!  I used to be so good at this and keep up with everything better.  But it gets done - whatever it is and I don't ever really miss things but I'm sure my time with come just because I am human, after all.  

I continue to follow the politics of things and praying for our country especially with the recent Mandate.  I pray for the Lord's mercy on our country and that perhaps things can get better before they get worse.  Many around me think more in terms of the latter.  It's good to be prepared just in case and be watchful for signs that things are about to change dramatically.  Mainly, I mean the economy but any kind of oppressive change.  Mostly, I pray but I am watching.  My husband is feeling the burden to prepare.  Though he hasn't yet. 

I have been praying for grace this Lent to die to myself in ways that are hurting me and even my relationship with the Lord.  I need to lose weight - about 80 lbs , not for vanity sake but so I can be healthier especially for when I get pregnant again.  I do not want to deal with gestational diabetes and see ill effects in my baby.  With the Lord's help, I can do it.  Plus He wants me to let go of habits that contribute to the problem.  So far this Lent, it has been different for me.  I feel His help.  The time is now and I want to do it for Him not just for me or anyone else.  

~ Merry Christmas ~

Though the Christmas season lasts a little longer, we are taking down our tree today and packing away our ornaments until next year.  I always feel a bit sad doing this.  I was able to really take in Christmas this year  though the week before was a little crazy.  I was sick on top of it all and am still recovering.  But I have managed.  The day after Christmas I literally just existed for 3 days and it was wonderful.  I was able to finish a Christmas novel (one by Thomas Kinkade who offer quality fiction) and start a new one I received for Christmas - actually the third novel in the Fatherless/Motherless Trilogy appropriately called Childless.  I am close to half done already.  I haven't had much time to wiz through books but the trilogy is hard to put down.  I bought my husband a good book too which is also third in the Crusades trilogy written by Swedish author, Jan Guillou.  The first book was made into a foreign film that we saw.  I have found that I am losing my taste for most mainstream TV, movies and books.  I just can't put up with much of it anymore.  It can be hard to avoid everything because sometimes I still can find myself watching something that I conclude later seemed like a waste of time.  I prefer things that are quality and inspiring or atleast entertaining with little or no compromise.  This can be a hard one.  Some things I have watched lately is the Hallmark Love series starting with Love Come Softly.  I've seen it around and saw small parts of it but those parts just never grabbed me until I saw one part recently and I knew I was hooked.  Also, we have been watching a TV mini-series now on  DVD called Into the West which is very good about the settlers moving west and the native Americans.  I have enjoyed with my husband (surprisingly) the BBC TV series, Lark Rise to Candleford and just recently another British production called Downton Abbey though we are just starting it and I can't say for overall quality viewing yet.  It is well done but there was one scene in the first episode that showed homosexual affection which I fast forwarded through.  This leads me to another topic...

...I live in the state of Washington and it has long been known to me mainly through our parish priest but also in the media that our governor is a strong liberal.  She is trying to force her liberal social agenda down our throats.  One example is forcing by law and threat of imprisonment all doctors and pharmacists to prescribe and give oral contraception including the "morning after pill."  Now this week she is pushing to allow for homosexual marriage.  When she speaks she talks all about what "she believes."  She is a rather harsh and stern woman and I get bad feelings when I watch or hear her.  The other day when I was in a local bookstore I first heard about her agenda for allowing homosexual marriage on NPR.  This happens to be a station that my husband grew up listening to and whose parents still avidly do.  They are Catholics who have a rich faith and went to charismatic conferences with others of the faith some years back and who have been involved with the local church and volunteering.  They also are strong Democrats.  Recently this subject came to head over a family dinner and it wasn't pretty.  They feel strongly that the Republican party cannot give this country what it needs for such things as the economy and with the war.  I honestly don't know all of their positions.  This is because for me and my husband none of these things matter enough when it comes down to the non-negotiable social issues like abortion and homosexual marriage.  I cannot help to conclude that their listening to NPR reinforces their perspectives and support of democratic political thinking.  Therefore their votes and those like them (from Catholics and otherwise) now mean the people of our state have to live with the strong likelihood of sanctioned immorality.   The only point I was able to make in the discussion that night that was mainly between my husband and his father was that to vote democrat was disobedient to the Church and my father-in-law conceded to that.  I additionally tried to say that is more than just about abortion but other social issues like homosexual marriage - and now look - just a few short weeks later, it's happening here.  But I don't know if he heard me.  Both of my husband's parents were eager to defend Obama.  I just couldn't hear it.  I know they likely have good arguments as to why the democratic political agenda may be more helpful to our country but I can't vote that way if it compromises the non-negotiable issues. My husband thankfully is of the same thinking.

Now at the same time, the Republican nominees are coming forth and there is much to be hopeful about.  I think it's amazing how Rick Santorum came our of nowhere and almost won the Iowa Caucus.  I had no idea about him until earlier that day .  He is actually a fellow bereaved father of an infant son and father to seven living children.  Being Catholic and on the conservative right, I am drawn to him naturally but he is also inspiring.  Not everyone thinks he's the man to beat Obama.  I don't know.  I do know I want Obama out.  That is the priority but I cannot help to hope for Santorum.   Imagine if he were to win the nomination and be the opponent to Obama.  Would my in-laws actually vote for Obama against a Catholic like themselves?  I pray that it would not be the case.  Actually, I have been praying wholeheartedly since that dinner for them that they can see the error in their thinking and the deep consequences it brings for the people of our country and for their spiritual well-being.  I have been praying to love them through this difference too which really isn't too hard to do since they are great loving people.  I know how much the Lord loves them.  I have been praying for justice to reign in our country and for Obama to be defeated and for an effective candidate to win the nomination.  The future is at stake.

Joyous Advent

As we come into the 3rd week of Advent, we still don't have any Christmas decorations up - well, except for lights up on our house outside.  I'm okay with this because I know we technically aren't in the Christmas season yet.  However, tomorrow will be the day we get our tree and deck the halls and I think that's okay too.  The decorations and festivities help build anticipation for the Season.  I try not to be too overwhelmed with the extra things that the Holiday time brings.  But I am finding myself overwhelmed with life in general.  I feel like I am always "doing" though praise God I am praying because without it I know life would be harder.  It is no coincidence that when I spend time in prayer, I am better able to take the high road more often in my approach to the things that come up in my day plus I have to have my time with The Lord.  I hunger for it because I can know Him more each time we spend time together.  This Advent I have given up wine or any drink (with the exception of my husband's work party.)  For me it's important to try to implement ways to fast or obstain in smaller and bigger ways as I feel led but especially at these times of the year.  

In a previous post I mentioned that I would share more about my journey of learning more about family planning - well in specific In Vitro Fertilization or IVF.  I guess you could say, I always knew within myself that it was wrong.  When I worried about my own fertility after my two losses, I knew that I could never (hopefully never) consider IVF but I would maybe consider IUI - which injects the sperm into the uterus so conception still happens in the womb BUT not with the sexual act.  This would have been considered after trying fertility drugs and only if we were desperate even though I knew it was against the Church.  Thankfully, we never had to face the choice especially since my own faith walk was so shaky during that time and I was indeed desperate for child.  Now, I am very compassionate and understanding of the deep need to be a parent especially after losing a baby.  But after what I have discovered about IVF and investigating the Church's position on it, I cannot believe that the need for a baby justifies the disrespect for human life which is unavoidable with IVF.    

How did my awareness of this come about?  I do volunteer work with and am on the Board of Directors for a national non-profit in support of those facing pregnancy or infant loss, infertility or adoption challenges.  These issues can be all linked for some couples.  A few months ago, the director of the organization wanted me to contact the local parish when they refused to list their resource in their bulletin because they claimed the organization supported IVF and she believed the organization did not support it.  When examining closer, it came clear to me that I could not defend her position because on the organization's website there were IVF links listed there to obtain more information and such.  I came under sudden conviction and began my research.  I approached the director who is Christian and a friend of mine.  I worried my position would cause a rift.  Instead, she was very open and told me she'd so some of her own research and pray about it.  I also was praying about it and for her.  She came to the same conclusion as I did that the links needed to be removed together with any other links that strongly supported IVF directly themselves.  Additionally, the organization would not offer any information or referrals of any kind to couples about IVF and instead be given materials about why not to choose IVF (this last thing still has yet to happen.)  But I Praise God for how things have turned around!  

At the same time I was reading the Catholic novel, Motherless by Brian J. Gail which is the second book in a trilogy.  This book in part exposes and educates about the evil of Artificial Reproductive Technology or (ART.)  My eyes were opening all around.  So what was I seeing that I wasn't before?  That in the desperation to have a child, couples not only separate the sexual act from the procreative one and often with self-stimulation on the part of the male to produce sperm but that in the process many more embryos are created than ever live or can be used.  While these embryos are "waiting," they are frozen and when the time comes to be used, they are thawed and many do not live but die.  Of the ones that live, couples then have to choose which embryos show the most promise to attempt to inject into the mother's womb or the womb of another.  The ones not chosen are "discarded."  Then in the process of attempting implantation many do not take and die.  Then if too many implant, often times couples are faced with "reduction" which is choosing which ones will be aborted or killed.  So in other words, in the want of having a child many other children die.  Oh, and the babies left in waiting in the freezers could be waiting indefinitely or in some cases adopted by others.  The church teaches that having children is a gift from God and the sanctity of life should not be compromised in our desire to "have" a child.  Our society is focused so much on the having!  Having a child is so much more -- it is the BEING A PARENT!  Each and every baby conceived is a child and in the case of IVF it is a tragedy that these children are being treated so recklessly by their parents!  Again, I want to emphasize my compassion towards those wanting a child from their bodies.  I have touched personally on this deep need after my own losses and questions about my own fertility!  But now I can no longer shut my eyes to the horror of IVF.  It is a great deception of our time that this is even happening!  Additionally, many women and men are not aware that modern birth control often aborts embryos (meaning fertilized eggs) by preventing implantation.  It can also cause a host of problems for women including increased risk for fertility issues and cervical cancer.  If people are aware, they overlook it as acceptable risk flushing fertilized eggs and acceptable risk of increased health problems.  I sincerely wish there was more advocacy to raise awareness about the moral problems of ART and birth control even within our current pro-life groups.  I am consoled to find that real alternatives to IVF are available out there to help those facing fertility struggles with NaPRO technology available through either the Pope Paul VI Institute or FertilityCare Clinics.  I praise God that He opened my eyes to these truths and gave me deep conviction.  I hunger for His truth and have come to know in a concrete way in my life that the Truth will set us free.  I am free to live in His Light and His revelations are exciting to me.  I don't want to live in confusion or deception.  I want also for others to know the Truth of Christ which brings freedom.  I don't want to keep it for myself but want the lives of others to be transformed through the love of Jesus.  I can only do my part through prayer, through living in Grace, sharing His love in the way I relate to others and sometimes sharing through direct words or conversation.  I pray for an outpouring of The Lord's Grace this Advent and upcoming Christmas season.

Dying to self and the Word of God

This is something I have been struggling with for some time now.  I guess you could say that it's been just about three years since I have felt God call me deeper - back to Himself.  I grew up with a strong foundation but then my late rebellion (in my mid-20s) brought me to a place where it has now taken the better part of more than 10 years to bounce back.   I feel like I'm almost coming back to being more of my true self these last three years.  Through the mercy of God and His grace, I feel almost as if I'm returning to something like my 16 year old innocence and purity of heart.  He has called me to prayer and growth in the knowledge of His word and the power it holds.  St. Paul says in the following passage:

Hebrews 4:12

New International Version (NIV)

 ¹² For the word of God is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart. 

~~~~~~~~~

I have come to know the truth of this passage intimately.  I have completed several ecumenical, thematic in-depth Bible studies.  These studies have opened my eyes to see that the Word of God is truly the Living Word.  Scripture not only ties together stories or prophecies from one book or testament to the other but it ties into our modern and even our individual lives.  I have found that there is no power like that in the Word of God.  No words of our own, no paraphrase, and even at times prayers can be as powerful as Scripture in our fighting the good fight whether that be in our personal struggles or in our daily lives with others.  Think of Jesus as he was tempted by the devil in the desert.  He IS the Word of God made flesh and yet HE himself used His Word, the scriptures to combat Satan - and combat him effectively!  Should we not follow His example in our temptations?  My practical application for this is to be in the Word regularly - every day or most days and to know certain key passages that speak of God's dominion over my life and/or struggles or of His Love and faithfulness.

Still, I struggle with dying to myself.  I know we live in a culture where indulgence is glorified where any idea of mortification is puzzling.  But thinking again on Jesus in the desert, He followed the lead of the Spirit there and this is just after His baptism in the Jordan and just before He began His earthly ministry.  Doesn't this suggest the importance of fasting, penance and mortifcation in being useful for God to fulfill His purpose in us?  I read in an older version of Divine Intimacy that it can be so much easier to fall into the realm of mediocrity and God will allow us this.  We could have so much more if we were willing out of love to offer something - even a momentary something for Our Lord.  It can include a special intention for a loved one too.  One of the studies I did was on Paul and since I believe He is one of my patrons.  He has burdened my heart to pray for and try to actively reach others to know the Love of God.   He calls all of us to His Heart.  He is jealous for us and wants us to know Him intimately.  He can transform our lives - if we let Him.  A transformation that I have only glimpsed at but I know that is a glimpse of Heaven while still here on earth.  A glimpse into the connectivity of things in this world and between this world and the next.  An idea that there are far less coincidences than we think.  A reality that we matter in this world - even in the little things we do and even in our private alone times.  We can reflect God to the world sometimes in ways we can only imagine through eyes of faith.  God will use us to achieve His purpose if we let Him.  He will not give up on us.  He will work out all things for the good of those who love Him. (Romans 8:28)

Pregnancy and my dad (Part 2 and update)

Too much time has passed since I last posted here.  I admit that I have been unsure if I would continue and I can't say what my future is as a blogger but for today, I feel some conviction to proceed for awhile.  Since my last post, we have been blessed with the healthy birth of our fourth daughter, HC.  She is now one year old and it has been a great joy to watch her grow and savor all of her littleness.  She is still little.  Though she fits into 12 month clothes, she has tiny feet and she is just now standing with the help of holding something.  She is the sweetest baby ever and her sisters and big brother love her tons.  The whole family does.  The pregnancy was pretty uneventful other than she was in and out of a cord wrap every few days at the end.  This made me nervous.  The day I was induced, her non-stress didn't go so great.  She was not very reactive and I was going to be induced a few days later but my OB thought it was time to go ahead.  I had an ultrasound previous to the test and knew I saw the cord around her neck though the technician didn't mention it.  I passed this info on to my doc.  Like all my babies, she was born fast and I pushed out fast.  Though she didn't cry right away, she was breathing and there was a cord around the neck just as I knew there was.  She was a pretty baby from the first moment I saw her.  She has had more hair since birth and through infancy than any of my others.  I was so happy she was out safely.  But, then they tested her blood sugars and they were low, dangerously low.  She ended up in the NICU. This was painful for me to go back into a NICU after what happened with my first born. I had to be strong.  The other part that was hard was though her situation was not so critical compared to many of the other babies there, I felt responsible for her having to be there because I have gestational diabetes when pregnant and I could've managed it better.  Me, who is very proactive in my pregnancy failed in this area and it was very hard to swallow.  I felt guilty and sad about it.  Thankfully, she was only in the NICU for a day and a half but it was still hard.  She had to be given formula to keep her blood sugar up.  I tried to express my colostrum and I did but it wasn't enough.  Therefore, when she was released from the NICU she had nipple confusion.  This lasted a good few weeks but I didn't give up.  I actually broke the rules and allowed her to latch on incorrectly if it meant her latching on at all.  And you know, she worked it out though I was sore in the meantime.  Everything has evened out in the scope of things.  Since her birth, I have been determined to lose a significant amount of weight to help avoid gestational diabetes in a future pregnancy but so far, I have failed.  I am exercising and try to eat better but only have lost several pounds.  It's better than gaining, I know but I need to see the change for reasons than beyond myself and I seek the Lord's help to "die to myself."  Being a homemaker, it's a lot harder to make food and not eat it than when I was single.  Somehow, I trust in the Lord that in His time, He will help me and I pray that it's before I fall pregnant again.  No, we are not done having kids even though we have five together that we are raising and I am now well on my way to turning 39 but I do hope have a good space between HC and the next one.  Family planning has been an area of growth for me too but I'll save that for another post.

The second part of this update is concerning my dad.  He does have bladder cancer and it is ongoing.  He has not reformed his life and still smokes to some degree which doesn't help things.  He also has developed emphezema.  This is on top of his chronic pain that he's had since his quadruple bi-pass some 12 years ago.  He is living a housebound life at the age of 63.  His quality of life is really lacking.  He recently finished chemo and had surgery and is recovering but today he was found to have an infection from the surgery and we're not sure what that's about yet.  My step mom, is good to him but busy with her work and now her mother has just suffered from a stroke leaving her also housebound.  She visits her every other day after work and on Saturdays.   My dad is in his own world which is natural for someone dealing with ongoing illness.  It is not the best situation.  With living out of state with a large family, I have limits on visiting.  I did visit last spring. I continually pray that the Lord will shower his healing Love on my dad and that he will accept and love Him in return.  It is difficult to know his spiritual state but I sense there is still work to be done and I pray in God's mercy, He will fulfill the good work he has begun in my dad. (Phillipians 1:6)

Pregnancy, parenting & The Shack

By His grace, I am getting through this period.  I say this because I'm finding that advanced pregnancy with caring for 4 kids is challenging.  I have felt fatigue since later in the 1st trimester but now it is that same fatigue but more deeply physical.  I also cannot multi-task as I usually can and hit a wall of frustration.  I'm giving myself room to not be perfect and be more needy where normally, I don't so much.  It can be difficult to feel okay with this and not to feel worried that I am falling into complacency or something.  But I have to stop those thoughts.  For me, when the baby comes, life gets easier again.  Truly it does.  I hope it holds true this time.  I haven't even had the easiest babies.  But I get myself back and with it my energy.  When I say "myself" I mean the very day or next day after birth, I feel myself again in ways that are difficult to explain.  Simple things even just because of no longer coping with pregnancy.  I get more of my personality back and verve for life.  I wish I was one of the women who love to be pregnant.  There are things I love about it and when I am not pregnant and I don't have a baby, life doesn't feel quite right.  But pregnancy is not easy for me just considering the physical aspects.  I have realized that pregnancy and parenting together at the same time is more difficult with each child.  Not only that I have a young teenager in my care who has specific needs and then the young children with their own needs.  It's hard to balance it all especially while pregnant.  It is challenging to get time to rest or just time to unwind which I need now more than ever.  The teenager wants to be up as late as me and JR and the young ones are up early enough and all may or may not nap or take a quiet time.  I'm still trying to figure out how best to find a solution where I can find better balance for me.  JR has had overtime and when not working has been building a garage.  I know this weighs in on the situation.

With all that said, I have had a surprise lately in that I picked up the book, The Shack having no idea what I was in for.   By the end of it, it really moved me and I felt it conveyed some messages I needed to hear.  It amazes me how the author was used to create such a unique work.  Somehow the book left me with the feeling of hope in a different, new way specifically in regards to our human condition.  Some of the classics I have been reading in particular, Imitation of Christ though inspiring and great to pray with, often leaves me feeling a bit of despair about this life and our quest for union with God.  The Shack somehow uplifts the reader maybe to show that God truly comes to us and we don't have to try so hard to be perfect or reach for Him.  Though one can't disregard the latter either.  I didn't agree with everything in book.  It isn't spiritual reading per say but a work of fiction but I take with me what helps me grow and know God.  Amazing truths are present in that book that reaches so many people.  I am also rereading parts that are particularly inspiring.  I will share more about specific parts if I feel led.  It was refreshing to read despite the tragedy part of the story which I hate tragedy.  It has become increasingly difficult for me to find books worth my attention.  I love historical fiction especially if based on known facts.  I like other books as well but I wont read trashy novels or ones that are too worldly in general.  I have felt God pulling me away from novels despite my love for reading.  He is truly weaning me of many things.  My life is very, very simple.  Even my mom who is now living close by and offers her help to me sees that I don't have many needs for help.  I just don't overextend our family with lots of busyness.  Plus, living in a small town there isn't so much offered.  I wish there was a bit more for the children and even for me.  My 13 year old, AJ has difficulty finding things to do.  I admit this drives me crazy.  I try to help by giving a list, in particular for the summer but he still is bored.  Today, I had to force it on him to choose something because I can allow so much hanging out and doing nothing or special privileges like movies and Xbox.  Even if he spends a portion of his time doing work or chores, I still expect him to use his spare time well.  AJ and I have different personalities.  Our dynamic is not an easy one.  I pray for an increase of love in regards to him.  I care about his well-being but I often feel frustrated by him.  Struggling with this relationship for the nine years of our marriage has not been easy on me and I know it's hard on him too and JR.  I cling to God through it all.  It keeps me humble.  And I entrust AJ to God to make up for where I lack.