By His grace, I am getting through this period. I say this because I'm finding that advanced pregnancy with caring for 4 kids is challenging. I have felt fatigue since later in the 1st trimester but now it is that same fatigue but more deeply physical. I also cannot multi-task as I usually can and hit a wall of frustration. I'm giving myself room to not be perfect and be more needy where normally, I don't so much. It can be difficult to feel okay with this and not to feel worried that I am falling into complacency or something. But I have to stop those thoughts. For me, when the baby comes, life gets easier again. Truly it does. I hope it holds true this time. I haven't even had the easiest babies. But I get myself back and with it my energy. When I say "myself" I mean the very day or next day after birth, I feel myself again in ways that are difficult to explain. Simple things even just because of no longer coping with pregnancy. I get more of my personality back and verve for life. I wish I was one of the women who love to be pregnant. There are things I love about it and when I am not pregnant and I don't have a baby, life doesn't feel quite right. But pregnancy is not easy for me just considering the physical aspects. I have realized that pregnancy and parenting together at the same time is more difficult with each child. Not only that I have a young teenager in my care who has specific needs and then the young children with their own needs. It's hard to balance it all especially while pregnant. It is challenging to get time to rest or just time to unwind which I need now more than ever. The teenager wants to be up as late as me and JR and the young ones are up early enough and all may or may not nap or take a quiet time. I'm still trying to figure out how best to find a solution where I can find better balance for me. JR has had overtime and when not working has been building a garage. I know this weighs in on the situation.
With all that said, I have had a surprise lately in that I picked up the book, The Shack having no idea what I was in for. By the end of it, it really moved me and I felt it conveyed some messages I needed to hear. It amazes me how the author was used to create such a unique work. Somehow the book left me with the feeling of hope in a different, new way specifically in regards to our human condition. Some of the classics I have been reading in particular, Imitation of Christ though inspiring and great to pray with, often leaves me feeling a bit of despair about this life and our quest for union with God. The Shack somehow uplifts the reader maybe to show that God truly comes to us and we don't have to try so hard to be perfect or reach for Him. Though one can't disregard the latter either. I didn't agree with everything in book. It isn't spiritual reading per say but a work of fiction but I take with me what helps me grow and know God. Amazing truths are present in that book that reaches so many people. I am also rereading parts that are particularly inspiring. I will share more about specific parts if I feel led. It was refreshing to read despite the tragedy part of the story which I hate tragedy. It has become increasingly difficult for me to find books worth my attention. I love historical fiction especially if based on known facts. I like other books as well but I wont read trashy novels or ones that are too worldly in general. I have felt God pulling me away from novels despite my love for reading. He is truly weaning me of many things. My life is very, very simple. Even my mom who is now living close by and offers her help to me sees that I don't have many needs for help. I just don't overextend our family with lots of busyness. Plus, living in a small town there isn't so much offered. I wish there was a bit more for the children and even for me. My 13 year old, AJ has difficulty finding things to do. I admit this drives me crazy. I try to help by giving a list, in particular for the summer but he still is bored. Today, I had to force it on him to choose something because I can allow so much hanging out and doing nothing or special privileges like movies and Xbox. Even if he spends a portion of his time doing work or chores, I still expect him to use his spare time well. AJ and I have different personalities. Our dynamic is not an easy one. I pray for an increase of love in regards to him. I care about his well-being but I often feel frustrated by him. Struggling with this relationship for the nine years of our marriage has not been easy on me and I know it's hard on him too and JR. I cling to God through it all. It keeps me humble. And I entrust AJ to God to make up for where I lack.
